Oh well, guess it would've been much simpler to just mention from the onset...
...I want it all. *Laugh*
Seriously...thank you...to "everyone" - for your loving support as I've made my way along this journey. Your positive comments & good care - guided my soul through many dark shadows. Please include me in your thoughts as I now begin this final leg - towards "all" of me.
You'll remain in my prayers...forever. **kiss**
i think i can...i think i can... 03/17/03
Guess what? I now - think I can.
For a long time - too long - I doubted my ability to successfully transition gender. No biggie to do it - but "successfully"...with a rich & full life? I dunno - I remained bewildered based upon what I'd witnessed in so many others.
I'm now gaining more confidence in my dream. No one event, supports this enriched belief - rather, it's caused by lots of things. A reduction in the scope of certain goals? That - definitely played a role. I admit it - a lot of my initial aspirations were pretty "ego-driven". We all know there's no room for an enlarged ego - in a happy soul. Sooooo - it took me longer to realize "that" than some of you enlightened types...fine - whatever! *Laugh* What can I say? I needed extra time to weed out those false visions from my growing seeds of contentment.
"Contentment" - that's definitely a key word in my present vocabulary. Giving thanks - for all those gifts in my life - versus fretting over pastures situated on the far side of distant fences. That's a crucial habit for bliss. Sure - I've still got dreams. Some are lofty. Certainly my obsession with achieving certain criteria in my appearances as a female - in mind, body, career, style and fashion - complicates matters. What I'm doing isn't right for every tranny - but it seems ideal for me. Still, I'm happier - with the life I'm living today - even accepting certain imperfections - albeit, begrudgingly. *Laugh*.
I most certainly underestimated the time I'd need to accomplish "transition" itself. Never mind the days on end consumed by counseling, electrolysis, doctor's visits, surgical evaluations...my couture fashion IQ alone - consumed months - and I'd say I still only rank about three points beyond "idiot" level. Just the time required to buy these fashionable items - affordably - in "my" size is ridiculous. And we haven't even talked about the "errors - discovering the hard way which styles and colors are not ideally suited for moi...
Transition is also costing more than I first estimated. The big stuff? That was easy to calculate. It's the little things - that annihilate the budget. For instance - lost time for "recovery" from various cosmetic surgical procedures. Who pays me, then? Who "pays" for the days on end invested in improving simple feminine skills that "regular" gals developed as teens? You guessed it - nobody. I'm not bitching - I'm just getting a better handle on "reality". Make sense?
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't "afraid". What sort of life will I be leading? Where will I end up living? Will I develop a loving relationship with a person I find highly appealing? Will I remain happy in a life forever mired by abnormality? Will I ever find congruence in all of this? I cry myself to sleep with such fears now & then.
Know what gets me through these fear-filled moments? That most regal of "male" traits - honor. Simply stated - I owe a debt - to honor a person that gifted me with the conviction to remain true to thyself - no matter what the cost or expense. That person - was my mother. Amazing, really. She never really asked anything "else" - of me.
Anyway...it's all gelling now. For the first time, I'm staying on "schedule". My work, my career goals - as a transsexual woman - they're coming together. Sure, things could be better - but "enough" - that seems just as good, as a feast.
So - I most certainly...think, I can. *Smile*
And on the personal front...
Had a lovely dinner at Magginano's with Tawny, et. al. - on Friday. Thanks, girlfriend - it was delicious. ((hugs)) BTW - I was really impressed by the fact you didn't finish that monster-sized plate & took a doggy bag home (never mind the fact you dusted it off before sunrise...Miss pig! *Laugh* We headed to Beluga for drinks & a spot of entertainment afterwards. Had a nice time. I ended up stopping by Backstreet when we called it a night - just wasn't sleepy. Camped on my fave stool near the entrance for over an hour - just people watching & blowing off drunken idiots. Waited for the rain to die down then stopped off at KK for my "two donut" quota. Slept like a baby...
"Worked" most of Saturday + chatted on the phone all day (and night) with friends. Thanks for that call Anj - really needed to "hear" everything was cool. ((hugs))
Sorted on my wardrobe all day Sunday + screwed with choreography for a new magical illusion number for my show. Still trying to figure out how in the f*** I'm gonna reduce myself to one room of contents. No art, no antiques, very little "stuff" - and I'm still significantly over my space allotment. Yeah - so I've got issues...duh! *Laugh* Gonna kick off my "spring closet cleaning" ebay sale in two-three weeks. Mostly old "club clothes", hair, etc + a few high fashion pieces that didn't "fit".
Big week - hope yours goes great!
reality revisited - 02-18-03
Was very busy yesterday - travel...meetings...but I found myself always contemplating those issues discussed in my 2/16/03 entry. (next entry)
Feeling better...more time...causes certain things to "make more sense".
Deductions? Here's mine...
1. I need "help" vis-à-vis guilt I carry about what I haven't accomplished during my life. I take myself far too seriously. Duh!! I'm framing issues I face in this regard for my therapist to help "walk me through". Thought a good deal about this - realized the root cause is a double-edged sword. First, I lost many I love to "death". Try as I may not to, I feel guilty about "being alive". I trick myself into believing if I do something "very important" - I won't feel guilty anymore. Silence of the Lambs, reborn? When relaxed - I understand life's most essential mission - be happy - and love those special people in your world very well.
The other edge of the "blade" - is how much was expected of me earlier in life. I was & am "gifted". I can't seem to let go of "guilt" - for not using those gifts most fully - when I witness others in need. Both these issues are complicated - and I'll require a professional to help me resolve them.
2. I want a loving relationship. I know "that" - now. You're not supposed to be "my age" - and be alone. In fact, being alone - is against my nature. What my relationship / break-up with "Mr. Man" showed me...was how much I really "want" this. It'll be hard...I'm picky. "Perhaps better stated?" I know myself well - and I'm aware when something won't "work". Likewise, I rarely "settle" for anything less than what I know is "right. It's also challenging - because my role switched to care-giver - I'm still learning "that" role. Make sense? Of course - my transsexualism makes it nearly impossible to find an ideal match given my parameters. Still...I want it. I know there's a perfect match for me. Thus, I believe - love, will find a way...
3. I'm a "writer" - this is what I love doing. So what's the problem? I'm not a "gifted" writer - I'm a brilliant chemist & capable entrepreneur. Try as I may - I no longer give a hoot in hell for "Molecules" or "Managing for Results". This shouldn't be an issue - I'm in decent financial condition - can "do ok" - with only moderate income from "writing". But there's those guilt issues...from issue No. 1, "above". See a homeless person? I feel guilty, even angry - at "myself".
In summary - I must recognize I'm not responsible for solving the world's problems, I must get past this guilt of "living", and I must somehow get past this notion of personal optimization being a requirement of the "living". Am I thinking that if I find that "someone special" - I'll more fully appreciate the life "in front of me". Or is that - simply a change in global positioning for an obsessive compulsive vector?
"Good questions" - no good answers. Guess that's what makes up the preponderance of "living", huh?
"Come on, Renee" - you can do this!
reality check - 02-16-03
I sometimes hate reality...
Know what I mean? Those days - when the roses can't seem to cover all that glare pounding upon your glasses. Today, this week - I had a little too much "reality". It hurt.
Can I really do this? Can I become a significant success - as a transsexual woman? After weeks like this - I lose confidence. Chatted with Darleen a couple of times - expressed my frustration. That helped. Dar's the closest thing I have to a "big sister" - although on more than one instance, she loved me like a mother. She's so special. I don't recall life without "her" in it.
Also talked with my new friend Anjela. This - is an adorable gal. If Darleen is decidedly my "big" sister - Anjela is quickly becoming my fave "little sister". Young, beautiful, vibrant, openly gay - & adores DRAG Queens & Tranny's. Pretty cool, huh? Her Christian upbringing yields an uncommonly depth-filled appreciation for "the gift of love". Her lifestyle - opened her eyes to the blessings of acceptance. Thus, you can imagine how openly loving this little angel is. Her youthful exuberance is a blessing - to me. I promised I'd help find the "Queen of her Dreams" - but I'm already starting to feel so protective - I'm afraid I'll never think any bitch is good enough for my little girl. *Laugh* She lives in San Diego, hangs out at "Lips"...and is dear friends with that club's manager Tootie, an absolutely lovely transsexual whose also sort of adopted Miss Anjela.
Ok...time to face my "reality". It's high time I visited some "Renee Reality". You know...a reality "check-up"...see if I can't come up with fresh prescriptions for success & happiness. Need to do something - what I'm doing now...it ain't exactly workin'. Wrote on this all AM - hard being honest with myself - admitting those fears, weaknesses...looking for the inconsistencies.
1. My "dating" life needs a makeover. Simply stated - I can't sustain a healthy dating "life". I try - I really do. Reality? I was a challenging match - without "this". Now - I'll likely never find a "soul mate" - just for me. Know what? I'm "ok" with that - I really am. I embraced the concept of "friends" - being my primary source for emotional loving, support & affection. My bestest girlfriend Darleen taught me that - it's really helped. Still...I can't even maintain a lover I enjoy. Sad, huh? Is this just me??? Did you know I actually slept with someone recently - just so I could wake up in their arms? Know what's even worse? It was worth it. While driving home afterwards - looked at myself from my rear view mirror and stated aloud: "Girl, you've got some serious issues". Know what else? I do.
Solution? Wish it wasn't the case - but I'm feeling a need to "date" someone. "Is that so wrong?" Wish I knew. Guess I should study "why" that is with my therapist - but I'm not 1000% certain I want to know "why". Could be I'm fully committed to beginning my dreams in earnest - not wanting to travel these roads "alone". Just not sure...
I invested a great deal of myself in a person this past year...received little time & attention - eventually, got dumped. Still hurts - a lot. However, I discovered some "good" things from that experience. One - I know I can love someone. That might sound silly for you more balanced persona's - but somewhere along life's travels...I lost that confidence. It's back. *Smile* Second - and perhaps most importantly - I believe someone can love "me". That's huge - particularly for a street-wise tranny like "moi". A horrid byproduct of living this lifestyle for too many years? I see too much reality. I know which preacher chases whores, which politicians are gay, which Fortune 100 CEO's dress as women, which priests have a drug problem, which movie stars are into tranny's...etc. etc. etc. I see - what Joe Public, never sees - doesn't even want to believe. That - can cause a gal to get pretty cynical regarding the l-o-v-e word. Thanks to "Mr. Man" - I regained my belief in another person's ability to really "love" me. Oh sure - his version of "loving me" wasn't exactly healthy - but I never doubted his sincere affections. Still don't truly have faith someone I find appealing will ever commit to me, forever...this is a pretty messy lifestyle - and I'm a visible target. I suppose I should enjoy where I'm at - versus not. Whatever...
I'm uncertain exactly how to proceed in "this" regard. I'm fairly convinced my classic "straight guy" routine - where I focused - won't work. Most straight men live by a fantasy of that "perfect female" - I'll never be that. Besides - most are so damn boring - I could've slept through half those dates and missed nothing. *Laugh*
I've tried "gay" - they don't want all "this". I'm trying to think "outside the box". Just met a local lesbian whom I hit it off with - same age, both avid art collectors, much more in common. I'm going to try a couple of nights out with her. I've been out with lesbians in the past - but I'd be lying - if I said I was fully open minded, at that time. Likewise - I met a fascinating FTM transsexual recently - I'm definitely looking forward to getting to know him much better. Attractive, intelligent, highly insightful...but why did he have to be a damn Gemini? Gemini-Gemini? They're made to be incredible friends. Maybe that's what I need - for "this"...
Still can't ever see myself with another FTM tranny - just so many glaring "role" conflicts. However - I'm trying and keep my mind open. I ask that of others - guess it's about time I swallowed some of my own medicine, huh?
2. I was "dreaming" in regards to certain career plans - I was a just a tad bit optimistic in certain career assessments. Actually, I was far too rosy. I'm gifted - thus, people "put up" with certain things - because it's profitable. Embrace it? Nope - just not happening. Business accepts transsexual expression when it's profitable to do so. Profit - is always the very basis for success of any commercial enterprise. If I'm remotely distracting to workers, customers, vendors - I'm somewhat unprofitable - a liability. While my gifts are unique & valuable...I'm not stupid enough to overlook my increasing visibility will eventually cause this graph to invert.
Solution? I 'gotta find a sexy new venture I enjoy - that will benefit from my transsexual expression. By sexy - I don't mean "sex-related" - I'm talking "vibrant". I keep getting close to locating this new vision, just can't seem to hit the bull's-eye. It's close though - I sense that, can almost taste its aroma. I know this is my destiny - even my responsibility - to my sisterhood. I'm shorter "today" on liquid resources for a decent corporate launch - of whatever "this" might be...that scares me. I'm horridly fearful of becoming "poor". No family, no fall-backs...guess we've all got some ghosts.
3. I'm learning that fighting too many battles - might cause me to lose the war - I keep losing little battles...getting gals off the streets...finding people jobs...fighting to pry loose adequate funding... I'm also doing too many "other" things. That damn DRAG "play" - my art web site. I feel like a doctor that keeps losing patients. I'm obsessed with improving conditions for the homeless - it's my kryptonite, particularly as that condition relates to transsexuals. These are tough times. The economy is down, the market is shit...nothing is easy to accomplish. Open field running? Hard to realize - in any endeavor.
Solution? I'm not sure what's "right" here. I can't seem to keep other people's challenges at arm's length. I feel their hurt - and I can't ever seem to let that go. Drains my soul - beyond description. Kinda weird - I honestly feel more pain from another's challenge - than I ever do with my own. I must "give" - but I can't give a lot - if I'm always depressed over these "little losses". Perhaps my soul is telling me what's "little" is actually big...and vice-versa? Perhaps I'm supposed to focus on my gift - give accordingly. I just don't know.
I've no solution for this issue.
4. I'm afraid my transition "plan" sucks - Transition? "Honestly?" I'm scared - I'm really scared. I hate admitting that - pisses me off. But...I'm still not 100% convinced I can do this successfully. "Why's that?" First off - I just don't know many people that transitioned "successfully". I know a lot of gals that made a mess of their lives in that process...a few that survived it - albeit happily. I know a much smaller number that sustains a reasonably comfortable life. But a "success"? A flourishing financially liquid existence? An important contributing member of the community at large? That's about as rare as a DRAG Queen at a Ku Klux Klan meeting. Here I am - gearing for a couple of notches beyond "that". Am I that stupid...that arrogant? I'm scared, damnit. Where's my "role model" for this? Where are you, damnit?? Show yourself...I need you.
Second - I'm not convinced my present "age" - is optimal to pull this off. Younger? Definitely best. I'm stuck with the horror of having been prescribed hormones at the ripe age of twenty-three. I passed - wish I hadn't. The gift of youth? Gaining sincere please from less lofty achievements. You know...someday owning a business - versus building one of America's fastest growing enterprises. I miss that innocence - it's a better formula for inner happiness. Older? I like that model. It's sort of something you can "retire" to. Make sense? I'm smack dab in the middle - guess I just feel sorry for myself.
Solution? I'm starting to appreciate "my" transition is unique. The traditional model is to create a transition map - and do it. I'm convinced my success is buried in letting this happen - versus, "making" this happen. Make sense? Don't worry - I still can't get my hands around it either. The toughest part is going "slowly"? The desire to be prettier - appear more feminine - it's damn hard to walk at a measured pace in "that" direction.
I embrace that I simply cannot transition as fast as I'd like - and achieve most the things I hope to - with a high probability of success. I tested these waters at the upper echelons of entrepreneurial America. The results weren't pretty. I 'gotta do this "better" - far better, than the norm. It's like the black man from the 1950's...I 'gotta walk in those rooms with $2,000 Chanel & St John threads - I 'gotta look better than every other bitch in the damn room - my "deal" has to be hotter than every other proposal on the table...'gotta break down this ridiculous invisible door blocking significant transsexual successes...I just can't accomplish that in a day. Fuck!!!!
Then...I step back...ask myself "why" - why not just go "be happy"? I'm more able to do that with ease than some. I can almost feel that sand beneath my toes - hear those relaxing waves rolling in my ears. Sound nice? Trust me - it does to me "too". Then - I witness a homeless person...knowing God gave me gifts that could make a difference - and my guilt, it just won't let me rest. Why me? Why f***ing me???? I wish I was a moron - I envy not "knowing".
Steps to success? First - and this might sound arrogant - I'm almost exclusively hanging around women "doing" what I'm trying to do...versus my transsexual family. Sadly, other tranny's usually "drag" me down (no pun intended) - even cause me to feel better than I should about my present successes. I need to stay most challenged - face the intimidations - frost the senses...take the lumps...hold my own. I'm like a child - with an adult consciousness. It's pretty weird stuff. Thankfully, most these successful business women have been quick to embrace me - that's helped.
Second, I simply must embrace that transition - for me - is a lot more than the evolution of feminine "appearances". A big fat "check" to those plastic surgeons would solve most of "that". My goals run much deeper - 'gotta plant a lot of seeds, cultivate their growth, remain patient - even compassionate. Guess what else? None of that - is very fun at this moment. I'm sure there's a better way...but I just can't find it.
In Summary - Is my life better today than 10 years ago? No - it's not. Am I happier than I was 10 years ago? Nope - just not the case. Is my future brighter now than in the past? Laugh - you're kidding, right? Am I more likely to find a loving partner? Let's not even go there...
The one key difference between then & now? I'm 100% "myself".
It's upsetting - perhaps ridiculous, the cost of being "me" - remains so very high. I'm not "crying" here...not really even "down".
Know what else? There's tears in my eyes at this moment - because I'm so very thankful - for that.
One more thing...
"God"? Please help me...I need more clarity - and much more courage.
my official indoctrination into womanhood - 1-23-03
Had to share this little "experience"...
Generally speaking - genetic and transsexual women don't "compete". Women "battle" other women - tranny's measure themselves against other tranny's. Thus, most of my closest friends are genetic females. We enjoy the intimacy of female companionship without - that feminine competition.
Last week, I attended an upscale function where I pulled out my best threads. My investments into on-line wardrobe acquisitions are impressive by any standards. St John, Chanel, Buchman, Gucci, Gaultier, Fendi, Dior, Versace, Dolce - all the chic fashion "fire power" & accouterments are situated in my closet.
This particular night - I wore a most elite outfit & accessories. Nothing short of the best - except for one small "hole" - which no one would "notice". As I made my way through the crowd I enjoyed admiring glances of my ensemble from both men & women - and gained confidence.
Without warning, this lady whom I'd never met, walks up to me - and honest to God - slowly and methodically goes over "me" with her eyes like a fine tooth comb. I felt like one of those victims from the movie "Scanners". *Laugh* Still, I stood my ground - I "had" it - and I knew it. Then - her eyes "riveted" - and a devilish grin shined from her face.
"Don't you think you should include a real Chanel purse with that outfit?"
I was nailed. That f***ing bitch! *Laugh*. She "had" me, and we both knew it.
Nobody - except the most astute fashion "police officer" could've known my purse wasn't the real deal. It's an excellent "copy" - and was buried amongst authentic garb at every other curve on my body. I meekly returned her "slam" - with somewhat smart-ass remark about how I had to spend too much money surgically changing my body to afford the purse in question. Still - the damage had already been done - I now felt like a cheap imitation. *Laugh* I'd never before endured a head on "fashion attack" from a genetic female. What a bunch of petty bitches...*Grin*
Then - it occurred to me what a huge compliment this actually "was". My first experience - at being a real female's "competition".
"Cool" - I liked that thought.
I subsequently strutted about with more pride than any other "hen" - on the premises. By "trashing" me - my newfound competitor had actually "welcomed" me - to my real goal in life.
"Indoctrination" - by default.
I'll take it... *Laugh*
a question of priority - 11-25-02
Don't you just hate rearranging your prerequisites to manage life's most crucial assets - time & resources?
"Transition" is complicating the living hell out of my already knotty priority plan. There's those "surgeries" - expensive, painful - and needing varying times for "recovery". There's that hassle of "timing" - which work projects get done under "which" persona - when I'm stuck between two genders. There's that hassle - new friends meet you as one gender - will they embrace the next? There's that discrimination - being judged - cutting at financial opportunities at every turn, even threatening my life. There's those "personal projects' - the art collection, the magic show , this web site - all are important, to me. There's that "love" - or in my case - absence thereof...whatever. There's that desire to "hurry". You know - get it all with - over so I can simply "get on" with life and living. There's that wisdom - the experience of knowing that "timing" is everything when it comes to great success. That understanding of "luck" - simply being where "preparation" - meets opportunity.
In case you haven't noticed - I'm "talking to myself" at this moment. Imagine that? *Laugh* I'm wrestling with my "priority plan".
What "issues" are presently confounding me?
1. The needs of the many - versus the one. I sometimes find myself "fantasizing" about trying to find a way to simply "vanish" to a much simpler existence in the years ahead. My present plan? To take on the world as a successful entrepreneurial / transsexual career woman. I know "I'm the one" to cross that chasm. I can do it. However, I also "know" better than most the price I'll pay in that "process". Is it worth it? Will I really make any difference for others afflicted with gender dysphasia in the years ahead? Can I comfortably "live with myself" - if I don't share my gifts with others? Will I succeed - will I fail? I just don't know...
2. The head versus the heart. My "head" tells me to stick closely to my well conceived plans, be patient, be smart, be practical. My "heart" tugs at a more adventurous path - just be the girl of your dreams...the rest - is only life's window dressing. I'm more patient than most people you'll meet in these regards. Many of my work projects require years to evolve from concept to reality. I'm quasi-skilled in the process of methodically arranging prerequisites over the course of a number of years to achieve an extraordinary result over time. Still - I never managed a project so filled with "my" "emotions". I guess I just wish my head & heart would quit f***ing arguing so damn often - their charades are exhausting the rest of "us" living in this organism known as "me".
3. "Why" - I often hate the word "why" - don't you? It tends to challenge even the most compelling plan or opportunity. Know what I mean? Ever tried continually asking the "why" - to a series of questions and responses to yourself? This is always the test for a truth in mathematical theorems. When you get it "right" - you can always answer "why" to any phase of an equation. I find my degree of understanding - is a function of how many levels of "why" I can offer suitable responses. Honestly, I'm not very impressed with my present personal "equation" in this regard.
4. Fear - That word tends to wreck havoc on any "plan". I'll be the first to admit - I'm often scared to death. It's my very nature to tread where other soles rarely stroll. I can't help "what I am". However, the confounding challenges of my transsexual expression cause these already weed infested paths to seem impassable at times. I "cry" more than I ever did before - and I sometimes cry out of "fear". I recognize that besting my fears takes "courage" - and that real courage is not the absence any fear - but an ability to overcome it. I find my courage is heightened by desire and faith. However, those roots get lost as I question "why"...and so the viscous cycle continues.
I'm sure anyone reading this entry is pretty much convinced I'm "insane". Don't feel bad - I agree with that assessment. And so - I begin another day staying focused on a prearranged list of priorities.
It just sucks that I'm only "focused" on item number "3,670" - out of 36,700.
I hate the limits posed by time and resources...
And on a much "lighter" note...
Emma & Rose visited from Cincinnati this past week / weekend. What a cool "couple" they are. I really enjoyed the time we spent together. I also enjoyed some quality time with "Kevin" - a dear friend from Alabama. I'm very proud of his recent accomplishments and growth as a person. I made a number of interesting new acquaintances Saturday night - plus saw a lot of old friends. It's strange - I'm noticing I there's often a much "cooler" crowd - when the outside weather is more chilly. Weird, huh? It's like the summer months bring out all the assholes. Could be due to the fact there's less "students" around - and that related male testosterone-ego crap I encounter in each walkway.
Finally, I danced my ass off late Saturday night. Almost three straight hours of intensive movement. By the time I got home - I could barely walk from my car to front door due to stiffness. "Somebody's" been sitting on her fat ass in front of a CPU screen too much lately.
It was nice to go sweat out a bit of the lard - in that "regard".
living between the lines - 10-31-02
Most everything I'm buried in at present - is going "ok". Additionally, my future - is pretty much laid out to a "T" (no pun intended - *Grin*)
The challenge? How I deal with my evolving gender and appearance changes over the next 12 / 18 months. The impact of HRT, a scheduled face lift, adding silicone to my hips and "behind" - only a few issues I must manage during this horizon. I'm not afraid of "the knife". One gift of my age and average female "looks" - is that I embrace the fact I'll forever endure the surgeon's scalpel. I understand I'll never look as femme or stunning as many Queens I encounter. Still, I'm dedicated to presenting a "look" that's lovely - and perfectly suited to me - and my goals. In reality - these are the "easy" part of the next year+.
My greatest challenge? Most projects I work on - include extended time horizons. How do I deal with which ones get presented as "a transsexual person" - versus my male persona. Tough choices. Always an issue - not matter which gender is represented. It feels like an intense chess game. The movement of even minor pieces - affects both offensive and defensive elements. Simple decisions can become draining endeavors.
I continue to respect the challenge of this "process". My concern is real. I never encountered a transsexual that achieved what I'm "after". Thus - I know my specific goals and comprehensive dreams are not easy to achieve. I gain comfort in believing the path I'll create - however small - might illuminate directions for certain other "girls" in the future.
Finally - I had a fabulous time during my visit to Tampa. I couldn't have enjoyed a more caring or gracious hostess than my dear friend Deborah Allen. Such a lovely lady - I appreciate her friendship more than words could express. She's beautiful - inside & out. I'll include some photos from my trip soon. Lots of special memories.*Smile*
I'm tired. Need sleep.
drum beats - 9-26-02
Do you hear that "sound" in your ears? You know..."that" drum beat - which pounds from your soul and establishes the tempo for your dance - through life.
Yeah, that one.
The sounds from my drum are becoming more vivid. The result? I'm dancing better. Oh sure - I still tangle my feet at some point in just about every song of my life. However, when I "fall" - I don't stay down as long as I did in the past. I'm even learning to laugh at myself more readily when I bust my rump.
"The good tunes?"
I'm confident regarding my future plans - but I'm not cocky. I'm excited about my transitional progress - but not remotely euphoric. I'm concerned about a number of issues I'll face soon - even scared. However, I seem to muster just enough courage to best this trepidation each day. I'm even starting to "believe" I'll someday discover a long term committed relationship with a person ideally suited for "me". I think that confidence is arising from my lack of fear of "falling" - and a growing belief in what I offer that person. In summary - I'm staying at a fairly even keel. I'm flowing to the music known as "my life". Ugly as it often looks - I call it "dancing". *Smile*
Yep - still got a bunch of "those". *Laugh* I'm trying hard to develop new and better friends "outside" the world of transgenderism. Friends that are comfortable with me - being me - but not caught up with my same "issues". I've noticed too many tranny friends - causes my life to feel out of balance. Make sense? Thus, most of my newer friends are "gay". Go figure. Likewise, I'm focused on new friends residing in my "immediate area". I just can't handle any new long distance associations - they cause me to feel so very "isolated".
In a similar vein - I continue to find that the more I'm around most "other" transsexuals - the less I seem to want to be around them. Weird, huh? Transsexualism is littered with people desperately needing to be heard - and almost no one in the community actually "listens". Of course - basically nobody outside this realm could give a hoot in hell, either. I suppose I'm just lonely - but I'm getting there.
It's my problem. I'm not skilled at shedding the weight of personal issues shared by others. Does this mean my "weight" remains too heavy? Probably - but it doesn't really matter "why". It's the way I feel.
I'm finding my best odds for cashing Happy" chips - is derived by not sitting at the table. I applaud and support those individuals dedicating their talents and heart to our "causes". Alas - at this point in my life - I need to step away from the incubator of on & off-line transgender support - and face the music of daily life on my own.
Finally...I just returned from another lovely SCC conference. This one - was especially important to me - as I sought and discovered solutions to particular challenges. Of course - it was wonderful to forge a host of new associations - and visit with old friends. And I'll never complain about being forced to "glam" it up for a simple dinner. *Smile*
grounded - 8-26-02
I can't say I'm "totally" pleased with my therapist. Not a great deal of original "thought" results from our encounters.
Her skill in regurgitating my "issues" - and holding me accountable to my own standards - is starting to make a difference in my life. Slowly but surely - I'm beginning to effect "changes". These are positive changes that cause me to feel better about "me".
The biggest "changes"?
I'm appreciating "what I have" more often than "what I don't". I'm starting to "like" the way I look. Trust me...it's a very tough day in any tranny's life - when she finally embraces the idea she'll never be "a princess". Laugh if you want - but it's a very challenging to let that "dream" go. Alas - being a "Queen" isn't all that bad. *Smile*
Most importantly, my "love" - for me...just the way I am...is rising.
Of course - like "a good little" obsessive compulsive - this is never a static equation. I push myself - hard. I'm somewhat "alone" - and wish that wasn't the case. However, I'm developing more and better "real time" friendships. These cause me to fell less despondent regarding my "isolation". They're also causing me to be less "hesitant" in putting an immediate "stop" to an obviously "dead end" relationship. And while I'm less apt to let another tranny's differing viewpoints raise my ire - I'm still challenged in this regard - when their triage is directed at a less experienced gal. If you ever want to see me - lose my "cool" - watch what happens if I witness one tranny "pick on" another for the edification of her own insecurities. My blood still boils every time when "that" happens.
My "habits" are improving. I'm limiting my on-line / chat time each week to a grand total of "two hours". I've cut my "night clubbing" activities to one night each month. Last Saturday night - six different people called to try and figure out "what in the hell was going on". *Laugh* Guess what I "did" instead? I went bowling with a girlfriend. God, I'm terrible at "bowling" - but I had a blast. *Smile*
My "weight' is beginning to normalize. HRT was giving me fits with both my diet and my exercise regimen. Nothing worse than being bloated and overweight when you're trying to "love" yourself. It's a definite inversely proportional relationship. *Smile* I'm still ten pounds over where I "need to be" - but I know my improved eating and exercise habits will resolve that issue in a healthy manner soon enough.
Although my appearance continues to evolve towards a more mainstream feminine "look" - I'm faced with many challenges with "functioning as a woman" each and every time I go "out". The damn "bathroom issue" - is always an issue. It sucks in more remote areas. I think I'll start lobbying for a "tranny toilet"...*Laugh*
Things are going "ok" - and so am I...
I hope "you are" as well. ((hugs))
thinking "sdrawkcab" 08/06/02
Since childhood, I read words both “forward” – and backwards. I’d also rearrange letters – discovering “jumbled” terminology. I still recall the first time I learned one could decode – a word spelled “backwards” – by looking in a mirror. I subsequently decided that the answer to any puzzle – is always staring back at us – from the mirror.
A result of my “sdrawkcab thinking” – is I often ponder issues - outside the box. I recognize most of this effort is a waste of time. What can I say? I'm as easily amused as I am bored. *Laugh*
Recently, I studied my options regarding “SRS - Sexual Reassignment Surgery”. You know - where they slice my penis, "fold it inside" - and subsequently create a vagina. Make no mistake, the "process" of living as a woman is much easier "after" this procedure. Our laws, our beliefs as a society, our traditions - don't readily embrace the concept of a "chick with a dick".
As always, I not only reviewed the reams of medical data forward – but I considered it “backwards” - as well. Know what struck me as I poured over all the reams of medical data? How very "similar" - my penis already is - to a potential vagina. If you read this data from a "backwards" perspective - it's rather illuminating.
Of course, I subsequently "pissed off" the doctor counseling me in this regard. Seems I was the first person to ask these pointed questions. No worries - I'm used to "that". *Laugh*
So why would I "cut" mine off?
To conform? “Yes - that's an issue”.
To be able to change the gender on my birth certificate? “Whatever”.
To be a woman? "I don't require a procedure - to be what I already am"
I don’t have vaginal "envy". I don’t “hate” my penis. While I’m fairly concerned with what others see of me from the "neck up" – I’m not overly concerned with what almost no one sees beneath my skirt. Honestly, I'm most interested in what others see of my soul. Did I make a person smile today? That matters most - to me.
I simply wish to live as the woman I was "supposed to be" since birth. I recognize and appreciate the need for medical and governmental rules regarding the appropriate sexual identity of each person. I further understand some beginning tranny's pursue "this" option as more of a fantasy - than a core sense of reality.
Certain people tell me this "line of thought" - means I’m not “really” a transsexual. Whatever... Somebody clue me in - is there some sort of important award that a person gets if they somehow “prove” that – is what they are? I could care less what a bunch of emotionally insecure transsexuals think of my life. Get a life "bitch" - mine's already taken.
A transsexual woman - that keeps her penis is neither ugly – or a freak. She's simply a lady with a different configuration of the same tissue between her thighs. We live in a world where being pretty - from the "neck up" - is considered a lot more important than being "different" - from the belt "down". That - to me - is what's ugly - and freakish.
Those that know me best are aware my life includes significant experience with "death". I’ve lost a lot of people I love. My transsexuality dictated a lifestyle that doesn’t permit "regeneration". I don't - and will not be - having "children" of my own. Thus, I suppose I worry over the “process” of living - more than some. I consider each breath a gift. This - is all I have.
I happen to believe God made each person the way they are. I also believe "God" - doesn’t make mistakes. I'm a transsexual. I was "born" one. I'll take my hormones and alter my "temple" so that the public versions of my appearance conform with my real identity. My privates? They're just that.
I'm not a mistake. And neither - is my "penis".
I'll deal with the "conforming" issues...one at a time.
almost "home" 05/30/02
I'm almost "ready".
No, silly! Get your mind of that gutter...*Smile*
My life - is almost "ready"...to move forward.
What's that Renee?
You're not "ready" yet??
Honey, if they offered "awards" for planning one's future "as a female" - I'd be the Queen of Plans. *Smile*
It's pretty cool...*Smile*
But - I'm "ready". ((hugs))
On a lighter note...
I'm planning to shoot some "birthday" photos this weekend. Since nobody invited me to an "event" worthy of my new formal dress - and I'm missing SCC this year, because of some facial reconstructive surgery - I figured I might as well go ahead and "tear the tags" off the damn thing. *Laugh*
Of course, formal attire necessitates "elegant dining". Don't you agree? *Smile* I'm cooking steak & crab legs. I "invited" my "Labrador retriever" (her name is "Princess"...cause I'm the Queen - *Smile*). She "ordered" the steak. *Smile* BTW - If any of you male "readers" have, like - these visions - that I'm a "good cook". Hate to burst your bubble - I'm terrible. *Laugh* Besides, my best skill "lies" in that other room...of the house...*Laugh*
I'm in a good mood - in case you haven't noticed.
Don't know "why"...but I'll "take" it. *Smile*
I'm hoping this b-day goes better than my last. It "sucked".
I had a great time last weekend. I shot some killer new photos. However, like an absolute idiot - I decided I wanted them "perfect" and showed how unskilled I am in the use of "graphics programs".
I "ruined" a number of pictures by trying to "touch them up".
I usually don't do much of anything to my pictures other than fix "red eye".
My conclusions regarding photo "touch up?
I can reapply my make-up and re-shoot a photo in less time than it takes to "touch up" pictures. Just a thought for you beginners. Trust me - it's easier to just start over...((hugs))
Still, there's a few great pictures that I didn't screw up.
Incidentally, I "taped" my face. In other words - my facial skin was pulled tighter than Miss "Lizzie" Taylor. *Grin* I wanted to "see" how I might look after the knife gets done with me.
Hard to tell, though. I'm getting my chin bone shaved down "big time". Sadly, tape - won't change "that".
I watched "Flashdance" tonight. I love that movie.
Hot music, great costuming, romantic moments, sexy scenes - and an emotionally charged "finish" - offering courage for the accomplishment of your dreams. Nice combo.
Know what? I want to find that white cotton vest/shirt & cuffs Jennifer Beal's wore in the "lobster" dinner scene. Anybody know where I can find one of those? I looked once - I think those "Chippendale" male dancers wear them as well.
Hey! Guess what I "found" out today? You know those "membership miles" you get for using your American Express card? Well, I forgot about "mine". I failed to change the mailing address for such notices when I changed the location of my office years back.
Anyway - I discovered I have over 400,000 unused "points". I wasn't really impressed by "that" - until they told me that equated to 16 "anywhere" round-trip air tickets in the US - or a number of decent "cruises" - for two. Cool, huh? *Smile*
I think I'm going to "save" these little jewels for later use. I so much want to make an extended trip to Europe at some juncture. That - could "help".
I'm sure ya'll are getting bored with this "entry". Sorry - I'm rambling - and no one is here to talk to "me". Princess doesn't "count". She doesn't even nod her head in "agreement" now and then - just to placate me. *Smile*
Okay, that's a wrap.
I'll talk to ya'll again...when I'm a forty-one years old, bitch...*Smile*
i don't have to be "poor" - and neither do you... 04/26/02
Well - my future plans are really starting to "gel". I'll be including "details" in a future update of my journal. Honestly, I'm so damn busy "implementing" my dreams - I'm finding almost no time to "write" about them.
That - is a good thing. *Smile*
I've prepared and planned for my future "as a female" - more than any other tranny I know. I patiently accumulated well over $1 million in assets - to insure a more comfortable existence once I made the "dramatic" change. I forfeited the opportunity to raise children - and a host of similar human "gifts" - to be all that I am.
I decided - my "plans" - just weren't good "enough".
I "planned" - to face hoards of discriminatory issues. I "planned" - for a fruitful life without any need for dependence on another human being. I "planned" - to never be able to make any decent money again in my life - because of my decision to "transition".
I "planned" wrong.
I'm "40-years-old". That means I'm just now reaching "the peak" of my skilled income capacity. I've no desire to "stop" contributing to society - and myself. Why would I "plan" - for such a dismal future - at this "peak" moment?
"Simple". I recognize the potential implications of "discrimination".
Does discrimination mean I still can't build another successful enterprise "as a tranny"?
No. It just means I must approach it differently - than I did as a "WASP" male.
Following is a reprint of an article I recently drafted for publication at the "Transgender Forum". It details how "you" might approach a more successful future in your alternative gender - based upon some research I completed.
Will I continue to attain success comparable to my achievements "as a male".
I don't know - but I've decided - I'm sure as hell 'gonna try...
A transsexual “millionaire”. Sounds more like the definition for an oxymoron - than a reality, doesn’t it?
Transsexuals are nothing more than an “oppressed” minority. They often face immediate challenges of discrimination and prejudice – before the value of their skills is considered in the workplace.
Guess what? This “situation” – is not unique. Countless other Americans face this exact challenge in their quest towards financial independence.
In preparation for a higher likelihood of “success” in my new gender, I interviewed a wide range of successful “self-made millionaires” – from equally challenging minority backgrounds.
Following is a summation of common characteristics of financially liquid minorities:
Your first business – is your own checkbook. Successful minorities consistently mentioned they never achieved success – until they learned to optimally manage their existing income – however small. The Internet is awash with helpful hints in this regard. It requires discipline.
Corporate America is usually a “dead end”. Traditional avenues for success are often filled with people of highly “traditional” values. Regardless what’s printed in the employee “rule book” – you’ll likely face an “invisible ceiling” – limiting your potential income.
Embrace your minority status. Alternative gender expression is sometimes a transsexual’s first taste – of what “discrimination” – really feels like. Bitterness, in this regard – results in failure. Highly successful minorities embraced the fact they’d face “discrimination” – and build companies in industries where this issue wouldn’t hinder their income growth opportunities.
Franchised businesses are a good “haven” – Established franchises offer a proven business model to prospective franchises. However, to minorities – they provide a much more valuable “service”. How? They instantly create an “All American Image” – and thus alleviate certain prejudice.
The more “established” a particular brand is in the marketplace – the more a franchisor usually charges in “up front” fees and ongoing royalty expenses. However, such recognizable brands tend to cause consumers to more easily overlook “minority” ownership.
Focus on businesses with consistently high “exit” values. What’s the first rule in evaluating a new business opportunity? Most commonly, beginning entrepreneurs inquire as to “how they can get in”. Those minorities that proved most successful seemed more devoted to “how they’d get out”.
Certain businesses – like retail clothing stores and boutique restaurants – are notoriously impossible to eventually “sell out”, for any price higher than the final liquidation value of the inventory and fixtures. However, other businesses like convenience stores, franchised hotels / restaurants, and dry cleaners – usually can be sold for an established multiple of sales and earnings.
Another reason “exit value” is of heightened importance to minorities is that many started their first business with very modest “start up” capital – and used the increased value of their initial enterprise – to fund the development of a more lucrative company.
The difference? That “dress shop” you always wanted to open might eventually be “sold out” – and net you almost $40,000 at the end of your journey. That “dry cleaner” you could have started – can easily line your bank account with an additional $400,000 – when you sell out.
Clearly – a highly liquid “exit” opportunity – means value.
Exercise caution regarding your own “great idea”. You “might” have the perfect idea for a new business – you might not. The downside of “this” type of pursuit – is that any “new” idea – often involves an inordinate amount of personal contact and “selling” to get it off the ground. Banks, customers and investors rarely buy into “new ideas” from minorities. Successful minorities tended to start businesses where their “great idea” – was their willingness to work harder than their competitors.
Be wise about starting a business using your “existing” skills. Some skills developed in your male role might easily transfer to rapid wealth accumulation– as a minority. However, if you operated in a primarily white collar, upscale field – let’s face it – discrimination is more likely. Consider leveraging your accumulated business savvy in an alternative field.
Learn on somebody else’s dime. Not sure if you could serve hamburgers – and still “serve up” a smile? The best way to “find out” – is to go and work at an established business in the industry sector you find appealing. The most successful minorities consistently “worked the business” for someone else and learned the secrets to success – before risking their own money. In several instances, their “employer” helped finance their new venture.
Get ready to get your hands dirty. Millionaire owners of small businesses didn’t start by “hiring others” to mop floors and iron clothes. They began each day performing these “dirty” tasks themselves. Successful entrepreneurs do every task their hourly wager earners perform. Only difference? They usually do it “better”.
You have to want “more”. Successful minorities consistently wanted “more” from life. They refused to accept the face value of the cards they were dealt at the onset. A burning desire – is the mother – of financial success.
The Future of “Transsexual Millionaires”
A net worth in excess of $1 million doesn’t make one person better than the next. A million dollars doesn’t “buy” personal happiness. Succinctly stated, adequate financial liquidity – buys freedom – to enjoy life most fully.
Likewise, a large number of financially successful people arising from a particular “minority group” – can cause their brethren to be more “accepted” amongst traditional society. “Right or wrong” – traditionalists – tend to respect financial success.
Finally, highly successful people are important to the “advancement” of minority causes – through adequate funding of important specialized interests in education, research and community visibility.
Will we see a host of wealthy transsexuals in the decades ahead? The “Minority Millionaire’s Rulebook” says it requires hard work, smart business analysis, a positive mental attitude, and financial discipline.
However, most importantly – it requires a burning desire to “change” your life, coupled with a willingness to risk everything – for the accomplishment of your dream.
Can you name a transsexual that’s not already an expert in “that” – most crucial – finishing criterion?
I can’t either.
Move over “Wall Street”. The “trannies” are coming.
i'm a wimp 03/26/02
Ever met a person who is like a total "cry baby" when it comes to "pain"? Well - I'm one of them. *Laugh*
It's strange. I used to "knock people silly" - when I played football - now I run for cover at the mere sight of a needle. Actually, I've always hated needles. *Laugh* And spiders - God, I hate "spiders".
I bring this up because I'm really starting to tear into electrolysis next month. I'm using an anesthesia to numb my face so my technician can "work for hours". I almost died when I saw the monster needle that wench pulled out to "numb" my face. Still, it beats going so "slow" on electrolysis. That - just makes it all more expensive. I'm even "cheaper" - than I am a wimp - I suppose. *Laugh*
I've really been working hard on building a first class female wardrobe. One of these days I'll have to shoot some photos of some of my stuff. "Classy" - yet sassy - just my style. *Smile* I'm going to sell all the rest - once my wardrobe is completed. That - will be one big ebay sale. *Laugh* Unfortunately, I'll have to wait until I get moved. I've already packed a lot of "that" stuff.
I'm visiting "Miami" next month in order to evaluate it as a potential option for my upcoming "move". I've chilled just a bit on New Orleans. The local economy in New Orleans isn't very strong - and it's not ideally suited for my retail dry cleaning operation. (My fall-back plan if "writing" - doesn't pan out).
Anyway, I like Miami - so we'll see how it looks beyond the clubs in South Beach. *Laugh*
'Gotta run - we'll chat again soon!
knowing where you're going - powers your drive 03/09/02
Had a good week on the "future plans front".
I knocked down some important upcoming career "decisions" and "preparation" projects.
One worth sharing...
I've been "hesitant" recently.
I didn't know "for sure" - where I was moving - geographically speaking.
Actually, I knew "where" - but didn't feel 100% comfortable with "why".
I'm not "a mover" by nature. I don't enjoy that process. I'm a "nester". I'm a "builder".
Moving involves "tearing down" a prior nest. This "feels" wasteful, counterproductive - even depressing - to me.
A key challenge? I could "move" anywhere. I'm almost finished selling all my local interests, I have no children, no immediate family, no obligations. Sound "inviting"? My more "nomadic" friends think so - but trust me - there's a high cost to my inherent freedom.
What's the big "expense"? I've no place "I need to go". No place - that "needs me".
Thus, it's relatively easy to discern "what" I want to do - but "why" becomes a more brutal - and frightening - assessment.
I fear there's no "perfect place" for me. Thus, I suffered from a bit of "analysis paralysis" on this issue.
I've embraced the concept I'll eventually reside in "two cities" - with a condominium in one area and an even smaller one-room apartment in another.
Although I'm approaching the "addresses" carefully & methodically - the smart money is betting I'll make "New Orleans" my primary residence - with a few months each year spent in an apartment in New York City.
We'll see - but I feel good about the "dual" option. It suits my life - and lifestyle - best.
the incredible resume called life 03/03/02
Had an interesting conversation with my business partner today. We found ourselves facing the same life "problem" - albeit from different landscapes. He's one of America's Most recognized entrepreneurs - but it's already been a few years since he's done a "major", highly recognized "deal".
In my "area" - I've stepped back from the plate as well. Am I simply taking practice swings - or pulling myself from "that" game. I wish I knew - because i need to decide.
Try as you "may" - whatever you've already accomplished is always minimalized by today's new objectives. The past is fleeting, the present is "in your face" - and the future - is always "moving".
I've created a trophy room of sorts - filed with positive memories, publicity on my various exploits, awards - you know the drill. My goal with this "environment" was not to foster my already large ego - but support it - at those times it feels most fragile. I've noticed being surrounded by such propaganda also tends to reinforce the "need" to do so much more in life.
Is that right? should I be striving toward major new objectives or simply relishing the gift of life during my brief visit "here". I'm convinced happiness - for a person "like me" - is found in some balanced equation between these two polarities. However, I'll be damned if I can find an equilibrium that feels "right".
transition: it's a journey - not a destination 2/28/02
I had a lovely conversation with a friend last night who shared a story I could really relate to.
Her husband, also a very dear friend - is a recognized champion and teacher of Tae Kwon Do Karate. Invariably, the first question asked by new students is - "How long before I will become a 'black belt'?". He always replies - "if you come to class twice a week and work hard - about three years". Some will subsequently ask: "How long will it take me to get my black belt if I come to class three days each week". He replies: Then it will take you five years to get your black belt.
Those that still don't get it will ask: "How long will it take me if I come to class five days each week. He replies: Then it will take you eight years to achieve a black belt.
Most can't help but inquire why it would take longer if they come to class more often. His reply: Because you're focused on the destination - and not - the journey.
I related well to my friend's insights. There are two phases of transition we all tend to interrelate which are independent - beauty - and pretty. Pretty is "applied" - beauty is "brought out".
I've been doing DRAG for a number of years. If you want to have a "pretty" contest - I can hold my own. Beauty - is much more challenging.
When you rely on "pretty" - life's happiness is always conditional. When you can count on beauty - life is happiness.
Transition - to me - is a process whereby I'm embracing all the beauty inside my soul & bringing the full spectrum to the surface. I'm not taking away part of myself - I'm adding to myself.
I like being pretty. I'm not ashamed to admit I spend a lot of time and money working at being even prettier. However, I thank God I understand that "pretty" is only skin deep - and that "beauty" - is a part of my very soul.
I'm on a journey...not a destination.
"luck" - is where 'preparation' meets opportunity 2/24/02
Based upon a few "comments" from friends - I'm afraid I've given the wrong "impression" on my present "state of mind".
First off, I'm a "preparation" freak. *Laugh*
I prefer to "prepare for" and "address" the 90% of foreseeable problems - before I begin a major journey - so that the 10% I can't predict are "manageable".
Neurotic? *Laugh* Sure I am! *Grin* However, I'm in good company on that "trait"...*Laugh*
"Murphy" was an optimist...and so is "Renee". *Smile* I have tremendous self confidence - and strong belief in my "plan". I have a burning desire - and the will to see my dreams to conclusion - regardless of obstacle.
I've been called "lucky" many times during my life...even "happy-go-lucky". My good friends know "better". I'm "intense". And I'm intensely "interested" in always tipping the scales in my favor - through preparation - whenever possible.
Honestly, I'll take "luck" any day of the week. However, most people aren't "lucky" because they weren't "prepared".
"You know", don't you? Remember that piece of property you almost bought years ago that's now worth "seven digits"? Remember that "stock" you knew was going to roll?
It's all about preparation - be it financially, business acumen...even "love"...requires "preparation" of the heart, body & soul.
I'm remorseful - I never found a "role model" congruent to my personal plans & desires with the tranny community. I'm saddened - by the number of lonely transsexuals I've encountered.
I'm blessed with awesome friends, belief in a power greater than myself, good genes, a keen wit - and a very, very well "prepared" transition "plan".
I'm "prepared" - to get lucky. *Smile*
happiness in "qualitative" goals 2/22/02
I spoke with a good friend this AM.
Seems every time I talk with another tranny they're most interested in "where" I'm at - on the list of "quantifiable" tasks relative to "becoming" a woman. Trust me - few people are more "anal" about goal & objective planning and resolution - than yours truly. *Laugh*
However, I've "accomplished" some fairly monumental achievements over the course of my life. I've "acquired" things most people only dream of "owning". Through these "experiences" - I've found - for me - "happiness" is not found in the achievement of quantifiable goals or acquisitions. They give me "rushes" - they give me a strong "sense of progress". That's nice. *Smile*
I don't consider "transition" an overly daunting "task". What worries me? What happens when we nail down all the quantifiable goals of transition? We're left mostly with "qualitative" goals. You know...being "happy" - with who you are...enjoying what you have...being of benefit to society...exploring your spirituality...helping others...etc., etc. etc.
My happiness is not gender "conditional". I'm a "human being" before I'm a man, woman or tranny. Every human being has "needs" - far above "gender". I'm no exception to this "rule". I know "living" female will make me happier - for a variety of reasons. I also recognize it will "add" new aggravations. I'm "hoping" - for a net zero summation - in that regard. *Laugh*
I don't believe "quantitative" & qualitative - feminine development - are independent events. I can't healthily "transition" one - without the other.
My body is a temple "for me". My mind and heart are the foundation of this temple - not my growing breasts or thickened lips.
Don't ask me again "where I'm at" with my transition - unless you're interested in hearing the comprehensive summation of my status. I define "transition" differently from you.
You're not wrong. I'm not "wrong". We're just "different" - and that's not wrong...
other trannys don't "matter" 2/17/02
Ever noticed how the simplest issues are the most challenging to resolve? I've been obsessed with what other tranny's are "doing" - versus focusing on what "I'm" doing. Why do I worry so over "that"? Probably because I'm afraid I'll end up exactly like the ones I don't admire. Bitter, opinionated, and unhappy, Please "God" - don't let "that" happen to me.
Everyone keeps telling me my life is about "my life". However, when you can't find "another" like "you" - don't you think you'd feel like you're headed in a dangerous direction? What if, what if, what if...whatever...
"formal" issues - 01/26/02
I recently purchased the most incredible "formal dress" I've ever slid on my loins. Where did I get it? This killer "designer" shop went "out of business". I waited & waited to "stop in" - until the very last week. Prices were then at "90% off" original retail prices. I "stocked up" on a number of first-class wardrobe additions. However - "this dress" - is the bomb.
I'd actually "seen" it before at Nordstrom's - albeit with slightly different rhinestone trim. Same designer - just a different "touch". Nordstrom's sold that dress for over $3,000.00!
Upon entering the store, I saw the dress - checked the size - and noted a ton of "make up" stains around the collar area. I asked the sales lady: "How many people have 'tried on' this dress?" She laughingly replied: "Every size 10 that's walked in the door since we hung it out".
I scurried to the dressing room...it fit "perfectly". I simply had to stroll "out" and announce to the other shoppers - "This dress was designed by a fag. No way a real woman's body would ever fit in it". They all laughed heartily - and agreed.
I bought it for a grand total of $126.00. You couldn't color me "happier" with a box of "64 Crayola's". *Grin*
I've been strategically buying high-quality "timeless" fashions at great prices for almost a year. Not bad, huh? From this same "sale", I also "added" a white knit jumpsuit trimmed with silver "nautical" stylings. Really classy looking: high neck, long waisted - perfect "for me". An ideal "cruise" wardrobe" in the making?
I now ask myself: "Where am I ever going to wear these clothes"? I rarely "date". I don't "travel" - as Renee - yet. My "intended" career requires khaki's and jeans.
Why am I buying "this" stuff? Like I really need to build a "cruise" wardrobe. "Get real", girlfriend.
Screw it! Show me a woman that doesn't own a closet full of classy outfits "they never wear" - and I'll show you a lady on Prozac. *Laugh*
"what i want"...random entry
I spout off about no one "having" what I'm after. What is "that"?