A Transsexual Woman’s Greatest Fears with New Love
Everybody harbors fear regarding opening their heart: past experience reminds us of potential pain that comes from emotional vulnerability. However, transsexual women tend to harbor more fear in this regard than their born-female counterparts. This is due to the long and arduous path associated with a gender transition and the fact many family and friends pull away during that journey.
Following is some of our most common fears - and how to deal with them:
You want us for our unique configuration versus the person we really are
Gotta own it: this is our issue - not yours. Every woman on the planet sometimes feels their man only wants them for sex - goes with the turf. However, being different often makes us even more sensitive in these regards.
Providing romance and attentiveness to your transsexual partner is crucial. Don’t ever make her feel less than she is - the most special woman in your life!
You’re secretly a transgender girl underneath
Lots of men attracted to transsexual women are secretly fetish cross dressers. Thus, part of their attraction is to trans-women is tied to a private desire to be her.
Experienced transsexual women are aware of this fact. Some, like to pretend it only exists with other transsexual’s boyfriends - not theirs. Others? Do anything possible to never let it come up in conversation. If you harbor this desire? Neither of those outcomes are healthy for a long term relationship.
Most transsexual women learn to deal with a limited amount of private cross dressing from a man they love. Some, might even be supportive : giving you a makeover to help make you look decent. However, very few can embrace the possibility of you one day hoping to transition.
If that’s your real dream? And the really reason you’re not pursuing it is because you think you could never fully pass? Please don’t go telling a full-time transsexual woman you love her and want to be her man. Own your path - and deal with it. Everyone will be much happier.
We’re not “naturally” pretty
Very few transsexual women are flawless to the bone. Most of us face a laundry list of beauty issues: facial hair that continues to poke through even after years of electrolysis, a receded hair line or bald head that must be masked with hair extensions or a wig, Body hair that continues to grow where we wish it didn’t (.i.e our breasts). None of these things sound sexy and often make us feel ugly underneath. We’ve learned every trick in the book to hide our flaws - but that does’t mean they’re not still there.
If you’re new to dating a transsexual woman she might be extra sensitive in these regards until she knows you adore her regardless. If you’re going to love a transsexual woman you must embrace these realties.
Try catching her at a “worst moment” and tell her how beautiful she is in your eyes. Most importantly? Never make her feel bad about any of these issues AND never compare her to an old flame who was naturally prettier - you’ll regret it!
You Won’t Be Able to Handle the Fallout of Dating a Transsexual Woman
Having an open (meaning your friends and family are aware) relationship with a transsexual wife or girlfriend is easier than ever before - particularly if she’s passable and seems to make your life better. People are far more aware of transgenderism from media and not nearly as threatened by it. However, there will be certain friends, family members and co-workers that won’t accept it and might chide and / or abandon you during the process. Your transsexual girlfriend is all too aware of these risks.
If you’ve fallen for us without a natural attraction to our blended gender? We’re doubly concerned. We start quickly sizing up if your could love us.
If trans-women are your “thing” – it’s very important that you own your orientation, as well. You can’t just dump it off on her - hiding behind a story that “you just fell in love with the amazing woman underneath it all.” You need to own the fact you realized you had a natural attraction to transsexual women and sought her out.
Keep in mind, the beginning of the end for any marriage with kids already in the picture - is a spouse that begins to refer to a partner’s children as “not theirs”. If you successfully marry? You share everything!
You’ll go “natal” on us
A natal female refers to a woman born as a woman vs. a transsexual. There is nothing more painful that losing a love partner because they decided they needed a born-woman. In this instance? We can’t compete - and we’re reminded in the worst possible way about all we’re not.
This is the sort of situation that happens amongst traditional couples when we partner realizes they’re gay. It’s also a big reason lots of gay men and women refuse to date bisexuals - they’re aware they might change their mind.
If you’re not sure - this is your thing? Own that fact up-front so she’ll know not to pour herself into this without abandon. As always, honesty is the best policy.
You want something sexually that we can’t or won’t do
Let’s face it: pretty much every guy on the planet has a list of sexual fantasies he wishes his wife or girlfriend would go a long with: welcome to male-female dynamics.
However, a preponderance of men attracted to transsexual women are desiring her to be a top and penetrate them - and there’s few transsexual women able or willing to perform this act.
Transsexual women are VERY aware of this desire with their potential partners: it’s quite common.
The best approach if you harbor this fantasy from her?
First off, be sympathetic. She didn’t go through all those surgeries & life changes with a fantasy of still performing sexually like a guy. Most gals will accommodate the needs and desires of their partners once they believe you really love them.
Also, be realistic. If your new trans-girlfriend is highly femme and been on HRT for many years, she probably couldn’t do this to you - even if she tried. Would you be just as happy is she strapped on a toy for such fun?
Every human has experience with feeling abandonment but transsexual women tend to have too much experience in this regard: family that pulled away when they started transition, former friends that now won’t acknowledge her presence, etc.
The most important thing you can do with your transsexual partner is to stay present in the relationship. Women complain about men going to their “cave” in lots of relationships but transsexual women often read more into why you’re pulling back than the norm. Stay attentive!
Our Love will “Vanish” from Your Life History
Every time we fall in love with a new potential partner, we eventually share our loving “relationship history” - from the best to the worst. Transsexual women are aware former partners often “leave out” their love from the passion resume. It sucks.
For Caitlin, a 44-year-old transsexual who shared a five-year relationship with a man who she thought was the one of her dreams - their break-up was was especially bitter. “I poured my heart, my money and my time into improving his life and that of his child. After our split? He moved back to his home state and started a new love - but never told her he dated me. For him now to not even acknowledge to others that we shared that love? I don’t know how to describe what that feels like. I’m now scarred to future potential loves”. With Caitlin’s former boyfriend, his family played a role with helping delete that past - they never accepted her in his life and were all too happy to help him pretend - it never happened.
It’s important to her that you own your trans-orientation and be proud of her love for you. If she senses this is all just a test or experiment? Don’t expect her to invest much in the relationship. You need to be proud of your transsexual partner. It’s also helpful if your family is on board, as well.
Additional chapters in This Section Include
A Transsexual Woman's Greatest Fears
A Transsexual Marriage
Loving a Transsexual