1rencomn01


"Random Ramblings" 
Journal  organized disorganization
Ever get those thoughts that are just "all over the map"? Me too. What's "wrong" with us? *Laugh*
Here you'll find my "silly"
and serious - views - on just about "anything..."
life in general - 11/10/03
Simply stated - I'm really,
really busy. Hard for old friends to understand why I have such little time available. Wish it wasn't this way, but that's, that.
Here's a fairly detailed update on my life & those matters, that matter.
Home
Home is comfy. My roommate (John) and I continue to discover heightened balance between our friendship & living arrangements. Best way I can describe how we cohabitate? As brother & sister.  There's absolutely zero sexual issues - the idea of that, literally seems "gross". We share familial love & support for one another through our defined roles - and it works, well. Feel I disappointed some friends through this evolution as I became overwhelmed with adjusting myself & my life to - all of me. Needed this. 
Still deal with anxiety regarding "home".
Living in a small apartment with only my clothes, career projects & essentials...having no immediate family, no children, no Little house on the Prairie that I frequent on holidays ...knowing all my fine art & antiques - which I worked so very hard to affordably assemble - are stored in Atlanta...and, not having a clue when I'll get back into a house, reassemble my life, and nest-away...like the mother hen, I am. These issues? They get me down, at least weekly. Makes me feel like such a fuck-up. Often question: "Where did I go so wrong?" Do my best not to think about it.
Love
Involved in a loving relationship but frustrated by our geographical distance from one another. No clue when & if
that might change. How do you know if what you have is the real-deal, unless you're able to be around one another enough to find out? You don't. It's special & unique enough for me to remain patient regarding how & when that attempt might occur. Trying to enjoy it for all it is, versus what it isn't.
Web Site
Been outlining major updates for this web site. Amazed when I discovered how much I'd already drafted but, alas - didn't like the flow - so I'm redesigning several sections. Wish I had the opportunity to make these improvements a higher priority - but I'm stuck with only the time I can garner, which is little. 
Perhaps,
someday...
Friends
Blessed - on this front.
My newest friend is turning into one of those most rare of associations: a
best friend. This fiery red-headed Texas bombshell defines what being a real woman is all about. Admirable - in who she is, where she's come from & what her life is all about. Most importantly, don't recall the last time I connected with another human being this intimately, so quickly. Learn from her on so many basic female issues, try to return that favor where I've some expertise. 
Likewise, still visit weekly with my younger Iranian girlfriend. Her life is in the midst of so many changes - kinda' special watching her evolve.
Hmm - just sitting here considering how totally different - yet exactly the same - these two dear women are. Strong willed, overcame life threatening challenges, fiery...yet so loving. Both even have one child - daughters, and those girls are almost exactly the same age. Probably means something about me - but I'm too mindless to deduce anything beyond the wonderful friendships we share.
Transition
Not pleased with my appearance at this time - frustrating. Gained weight - much "softer" than before from HRT. Know the solution is dance aerobics yet I'm too lazy to haul my fat ass into any such classes. Accepted I'll never be some sort of Barbie but will certainly feel better when I look a bit less like "Ken". Was never a natural in this regard, sucks. Developed a somewhat feminine body from the neck, down. Unfortunately, women live 98% of their lives with only the neck-up area "showing". Thus those assets are of little value in the real world. Investing a small fortune to improve my lot - long way to go...
Emotionally, I'm pretty healthy. No longer fighting the world - just trying to flow with it. Set-backs regarding my future as a transsexual female
and as a person - are a common occurrence. The good news? They rarely get me down for longer than 24 hours. Guess I'm getting used to them - but more importantly - I'm believing...I can always find another way. That's a good thing.
Totally removed from the transgender world - too overwhelmed with my own garbage. Causes feelings of guilt - always had a soft spot for helping gals, particularly those new to the scene. Unfortunately, at this point - just can't take being around it. Maintain solace from my efforts at this web page & knowing if I remain focused and accomplish my goals - my higher visibility will offer assistance to some.
 
Whatever...
Career
My career projects are a true odyssey. At times, felt like giving up - go stealth..."vanish". However, can now imagine my future, albeit different than first envisioned. If I was willing to remain lower profile, it'd be a no-brainer. Sadly,
Little Miss "I 'gotta make my statement" - can't seem to accept obscurity. That costs me - a lot.
Starting to make decent sense of
this madness but it'll take far longer than first planned. Strangely, the pace isn't bothering me - except for how it delays my ability to get settled into a new home.  
Still writing a pair of books - one about "cleaning" - and the other on how to affordably acquire & assemble haute couture ensembles. The cleaning book is my ace since I'm uniquely skilled in a certain area & everybody wants this project. The fashion book is a labor of love, a much more intensive "project" - and a tougher sell. Of course, the side benefit to
this project is "my closet". The wardrobe is breathtaking - by any woman's standards. Now modifying most items & assembling them in such a manner to create my own unique designs. I'll share these looks at some point in the future - still continuing my neurotic process of perfecting each ensemble to runway-chic. No delusions of becoming a writer as my primary vocation. Rather - feel the books will augment other projects. 
This road - of launching a decent enterprise as an openly tranny female - is taking much longer than planned. It's littered with distractions & negative impulses. Keep methodically arranging each component of my life as strategic initiatives for a future checkmate. Victory's in sight - but many moves deep. Patience, is my mantra. Could get lucky & speed the process but I'm not counting on it. For now, just try & laugh at myself - only way to survive.
In Summary
That's about it. Same ole, same ole - I suppose. One life, one day at a time. 
The beat goes on...
best of times - worst of times - 08/29/03
Where do I start? I suppose
that is a sign, huh?
Overwhelmed - not all of which is bad, just crunch time in almost every aspect of my life. Most "issues" are my own damn fault - put off hated projects so they'd come to a head precisely when more important matters heated. "Result?" Chaos. Why do I do that? Wish I knew... Cash flow is tighter - always a bitch.
Going away this weekend to visit my new "friend". Be lying if I said I wasn't just
a little excited. Ok - so I'm very excited. Good timing too - need the break...bad. Think John's (roommate) 'gonna be glad to have me out of his hair for a few days. We do so very well living together but everybody needs some space now & then.  He (my friend) & I decided to keep our union under wraps from prying eyes. No, not because of that. Rather, we're both often microscoped - just cleaner without outside influences.
Good news? For
the first time my new career/enterprise is actually starting to make good sense. Over the hump? *Laugh* God, no - not even close - still striving like a salmon. No spawning yet - but the restrictive currents are lessening. Frankly, I smell blood - and my intensity is rising. First time in years I've had a real burning desire. Don't recall the last time I was so steadfast in my goals. Been a lot of years. 
Bad stuff? Had a bad day recently -
really bad. Coming to grips with the fact I've not properly grieved certain deaths and I'm retaining "pain" - almost with pride. Sick, huh? Nothing like a bit of martyrdom to fuel self pity. A martyr? Might be nice...but who am I a martyr for? You got it - nobody, just "me". Reconnecting with my spirituality, that's helping. Found a decent church - loaded with queer units like moi - fit right in. *Laugh* 
Almost totally cut off from the gender community. Thought about that - no biggie. It's just that my "gender issues" aren't my biggest
issues at this moment. Thus, no reason to dwell on a minor issue when major ones are screaming like banshees. If I accomplish my goals - I'll help the community. If my life gets better - I'll have more time to be involved, again. However, at this juncture I've little to offer, and frankly - don't need anything. Going...where no tranny's gone before - enjoying my solitude. Still contemplating a name change & stealth after my surgeries. So many cosmetic changes - byproduct, of being "an ugly bitch".*Laugh* Tempting...to go ahead & vanish while I've got the chance. Not likely...but possible.
That's about it...hope everybody has a fab Labor Day. 
I'll add a new photo of the month when I get back from this weekend - get "Mr. Man" to take some picture while we're out & about. Fair enough?
As Always,
safe landing - 07/24/03
"Okay".
First off...
Seems a number of people were troubled by my recent "depression" entry. Wish they weren't. It is
what it is - and I am, what I am. A huge challenge of transsexualism is maintaining a positive outlook regarding ones future. We all need reasons to relish daybreak - know what I mean? Sadly, I'm not oft impressed with exactly "what I'm living for". My vision gets clouded - all those I loved most deeply are buried. Thus, I'm more comfortable than some with the possibility of "moving on" - if this doesn't get better. Enough said. 
"So what's been happening?"
Glad you asked... *Smile*
Moved into the new digs,
but still settling in. Although cramped - this will work nicely. The set up? The Queen rules the high country - John (my roommate) owns the downstairs. Heaven & hell...the angel & the devil? "Yeah", that sounds about right. *Smile* Can't say we've much of a traditional home - but it's decidedly functional. I garnered two bedrooms - one for my office plus another that's larger - loaded with clothes, high fashion accessories, hair, and a twin bed for occasional slumber. Resisting my temptation to fully nest - not what this year is about. Headed to Atlanta in a few weeks to requisition some art from storage. The pad isn't big - but does have vaulted ceilings - perfect for a cache of paintings. Will be nice to see a few old friends "hanging around" with me. *Smile* After the move is complete - I'll organize for that monster ebay sale I mentioned before. Fine fashions, club wares, hair, accessories - I'm house cleaning.  
On a daily front - beginning to develop a "routine" - albeit a pretty strange one. Go to bed around 10:00PM, arise around 1:00AM  - write on my books or work on my fashion enterprise, fall back to sleep around 6:30AM, re-awake about 9:00AM..
.then - seize the day by working on  my product development responsibilities & life's little tasks. Around 6:00PM my roomie returns from work & we usually either grab a bite or cook dinner & watch a movie. Glamorous, huh?
Transition related projects are becoming just an afterthought. Focused on my life in a
post transition format. Thus, I'm not considering much about all this upcoming surgical stuff, etc. - except for how much "time off" it will require. Still no delusions about becoming some sort of prom queen. Still - will be nice to appear more presentable. Hoping nothing major goes wrong...
My damn Lexus keeps having little problems - that's frustrating. Should get a new car but can't substantiate the investment. We'll see - need something I can carry "loads" about - like a sport utility.
Proud of my progress with the new fashion enterprise. Pounding away at my dreams, enjoying a few heady accolades but nothing that's translating into serious opportunity...
yet. My plans are novel and I'm continuing to keep the details private. Most importantly? I love what I'm "doing". Can't say these dreams are situated on the most solid pavement - but my passion is first-rate. *Smile*
The love life? *Laugh* "What's that???" Not only is there nobody special in my life but I couldn't even tell you when I might have a "date". Still, not convinced "that" is
all bad. I'm acutely aware of the sort of person I don't want in my life. Thus, I more quickly pass on most romantic opportunities than before. Still have those dire moments when I'd give anything to have my significant other wrapped in my arms (and legs) at night. Observed - I'm not nearly as sexual as most people tend to first perceive - but I'm highly affectionate.  Thus, I sincerely miss the playfulness & camaraderie of a loving association.
Some good news? Making new friends - mostly female. There's an old saw: "Men need women...and
women need women". I'm learning - I need other women. A female / transsexual female bond is unique - no grounds for feminine competition. That's healthy. I suppose between a passion for my new career, improved associations with female friends and the caring support of my roommate - I'll get through this brutal "loneliness" phase. Best I can do...for now.
Still don't have a clue where I'll be residing (geographically speaking) this time next year. Having survived the trauma of storing my possessions & leaving Atlanta - now more open to possibilities. Stay in Nashville? Move back to Atlanta? Head out west? Take the leap to New York City? Each day  - feel differently about the options I consider. 
The worst part? 
Feel rudderless. Hard being such a nomad at my age - at least for me. Maintain my sanity in this regard by doing detailed layouts of my future "dream home" - where I carefully place each & every piece from my fine arts & antique collection into this fictional domicile. Of course - don't yet have a clue
where that will be or precisely what the layout of my "palace" will include - but the exercise helps me retain a degree of sanity regarding most everything I own - being in storage. Yeah - that sounds strange...just consider the sources, baby. *Laugh*
All in all? I'm "ok". Hope
you are - as well. ((hugs))
RR
scattered, smothered & covered - 06/06/03
Packing final remnants from Atlanta today. Feeling scattered, flustered - even scared.
My life - photo's, personal history, most of my art & antique collections...all in storage. My stuff - clothes, current effects, work projects - all in Nashville or loaded in my Lexus. My home - decidedly "mobile" - don't even know where I'll be living a year from now. My family - almost non-existent. My gender - part male / part female, and neither version is well baked. Headed to Brazil in a few months for massive overhauls. 
This is one hell of a place to "be" just after a 42nd birthday, ya know? Only someone as crazy as "moi" could believe what I'm doing makes perfect sense. Still, I'm decidedly overwhelmed with all this waywardness. For an "air sign" (Gemini)  - I'm earthy - need ground under my feet. Alas, not this year...
Journal updates will be sporadic for the next month+, at best. We're moving (my rommie & I) next month - I'll be traveling with some work-related projects, etc., etc. etc. After that? I'm off to Brazil for over a month. Hardly even find opportunity to check email - so please forgive me if I don't respond for awhile. ((hugs))
Bright spots? My new fashion designs are looking good, proud of progress in that regard. Work projects are on schedule - looking positive. 
Negatives? Gained six pounds - my routine is such a mess. My budget is
off (to the negative) - working on "that". Haven't had a date since I can recall. Weird - I want to "go out" with someone special - but I'm not pleased with my appearance. Whatever...
That's about it. A little "tired" in case you haven't noticed. Not sure when my next update will be. Crazy year - but when all
this is "over"? Look out!!! ((hugs))
Ciao!
letters from venus - 05/27/03
First off...
For those who emailed requests, notes, etc. -
please forgive me - totally slammed at this moment. I just "moved" to Nashville, TN...we're "moving" again (larger place) next month...I'm ultra-busy with old & new career projects...and I'll be in Brazil for about two months this year. Try as I may, can't keep up with web-related communication, etc. Not on-line much these days, won't be - for most of the summer. Rarely even check email for days at a time.  Sorry! ((hugs)) 
Second...
"John" (my 1000% "straight-male" roommate) and
"moi" - are a sitcom - waiting to happen. A simple excursion to a grocery store or Wal-Mart leaves audience members in stitches. Our union began in first-grade but when the former all-state football team captain turned "female" tries riding heard over "her" all male co-heart? Well, I'm sure you can imagine. Our bond is unique and most special - absolutely no sexual attraction or related issues - just life-long loving friendship with the new twist of male/female conflict. We're like the "odd couple" of the new millennium. It's hilarious!
Third...
One interesting byproduct of my now happy "home-life" is I feel more willing to consider a long-distance relationship. My "needs" are now different. Companionship is pretty much fully "covered" by my roomie, career & transition projects bury my calendar -
thus - a high-quality occasional relationship with a special person situated "wherever" seems suitable. Wouldn't want a local someone at my door step too often - don't have the time or "need". Make sense? Now to just "find' that person...*Laugh* I'll wait - until the summer surgeries are completed - should improve my "odds". 
Fourth...
Wore one of my new fashion "designs" out Saturday night in Nashville -
'twas a hit. Call it "The Tranny Matrix" - modeled after styles from that new epic I adore. Shot no photo's - just not my thing at this moment. Although I look better than before - all I can "think" about is how I'll look after finishing this summer's surgical improvements. I don't feel "ugly" - but I do feel "half-baked". The new body/face & my complete line of high-fashion ensembles should be completed coincidentally this fall. At that time? I'll share "both" in photographs. *Smile*
Fifth...
Still endure minor panic attacks when too many variables "change". Only solace? Re-draft the PERT diagrams...
adjust the dream. "Money" - is always a fear. Know I'm much better off than most - but I expect and want much more than most, as well. The trials & tribulations of the highly obsessive-compulsive transsexual...what a trip.
Well...
That's about it. The rest? It's not worth sharing or whining over. 
Hope everyone is doing "well".
 
I am...
Ciao.
life in the tranz-lane - 05/14/03
Felt I needed to "update" that last entry - was
exhausted when I wrote it.
As I mentioned -
so much happening. Been "here" before...during my earliest years as an entrepreneur. It's a romantic - even "sexy" phase of my life. That phase where dreams are coming to fruition. Everything seems & feels "new" - feels heady. Budget's a bit out of whack, naturally "not in my favor" - that sucks. Schedule's getting hectic - will get worse before it improves. My journal entries might reduce in frequency. Best news? Still losing weight - 'bout a pound a week. Hormones bloated the living shit out of me this past winter. Fought my way "back" to my standard poundage - now, I'm chasing "the dream" weight. Took awhile to find the optimal balance of exercise & diet to coincide with my new body chemistry. Think - I've got it.
Around the first of the year - intend to start sharing "the details" of my business interests & personal activities. Likewise, I'll disclose
much more about "me" - life history, etc. That should be fun...*Laugh* Planning a fairly extensive site makeover to coincide with my goals & my upcoming "full-time" status as a femme. Still - you know me...probably won't get done until the following year. *Laugh*
Hope to remain very "out" regarding my transsexuality throughout the balance of my existence.
Hoping - that helps others. Would be lying if I said I don't fear certain potential implications from these actions. Already witnessed the potential ugliness of humanity a number of times in my life - even the horror. Know I'll be a visible target. Can deal with the "words" - but I still fear certain physical confrontations. Not certain I could survive another one of "the bad ones". Perhaps I'll need to end up with a extra powerful physical specimen as a partner - you know...a live-in body guard? *Smile*
Encountering a fascinating combination of "experiences". My entrepreneurial skills are first-rate, by any standard. Thus, as I explore my future enterprises as a transsexual female - I'm blessed with acumen, make an excellent impression in
that regard. However...as "a woman"? I'm still childish in my emotions, confidence and insights. I often falter in this arena. Will be a good day, indeed - when my femme maturity intersects with my business competence.
John's (my roommate) loving support helps immensely.
It's special having someone close to both push & console me. Recently, it's been more & more challenging to develop close associations without the remote possibility of sexual tension - be it from their discomfort with "me" or their desire for sex. I face neither issue with him - and that is really, really special to me. 
Interesting twist?
Had a spider "land" on my wrist the other day while working at my desk. Anyone that knows me very "well" -
knows - I hate spiders!! This time? Calmly starred - didn't even flinch. Watched & felt her crawl around my hand - onto the desk...back upon my fingers. Chased her away by thumping my bicep when she started traveling northward. 
Sounds silly - but indicative of my present path. More open minded, unafraid.
 
A good way to be....
chasing my dreams - 05/13/03
So much is happening - wouldn't know where to start "sharing". Can actually see my dreams starting to come true. Waited, waited, waited...prepared - so very long. It's paying off. Plenty of obstacles remain. None yet - I can't hurdle. Cried today as I realized two long-term dreams are nearing reality. Still afraid....fear becoming too optimistic - expecting that Claymore mine from left field.
Met with my facial surgeon today - worked up final details for "those" procedures.
Might speed up the timetable as I did before - if all goes well...we'll see. Working hard to develop a first-rate feminine presentation. With my goals and the types whom I interact? They expect the worst - I intend to give 'em my best. Promised myself - my femme presentation will not be a root cause of any future failures.
On the silly front - holding my breath about an ebay auction that ends tomorrow - a garment that mixes with dozens of my ensembles. That's rare. Sadly, it's very expensive - even on the "used" market. Hoping - it doesn't skyrocket. Can't justify the investment without boundaries,
damnit
Called my fave "mothers" for
their day. 'Twas nice - catching up with certain good friends. 
I'm a little tired in case you can't tell. An "ugly" byproduct of my dreams c
oming true? Sleeping very little.
Time for bed..
.night, night. 
"this & that" - 05-07-03
Back in ATL today - using the laptop. Will be bouncing back & forth between here & Nashville like a ping pong ball for a bit.
Wearing - but exciting.  
Gotta' tell 'ya - these new hormones are f***ing awesome! Amazing difference - I can actually think again. I'm not kidding - I sensed was getting pretty "out there". Knew something was wrong, but "wow" - this, is killer. My concentration is already notably improved - I'm assuming it'll get even better. Only problem? I'm noticing a degree of "fear" from my specific plans & goals - that's new. I suspect my enhanced deliberation skills are noticing flaws I didn't earlier perceive. I'm on it. Anyway - Brave New World...((hugs))
So much cool stuff happening on the career front - can't until I can "bare all"
here. One issue - my agent says I must "clean up my act" for the launch of my books . Translation? 'Gotta tone down the photo gallery, etc. That's not a bad thing - looking forward to sharing new pictures with all my new fashions & body enhancements.
Need to run -
be sweet! 
"moving" forward - 05-02-03
Enjoyed a wonderful & relaxing "overnight" in Nashville on Wednesday.
Felt good - this move will serve me well. Feels like "home" - and I really, really, really need "that".
Only planned to go up for the day - drive back that night. Thus, didn't bring a change of clothes. Ended up going out with my new roomy & friends - pizza, visits & a few drinks. Had a good time - slept like a baby on John's sofa. 
The drive home?
Relaxing - although I almost had a couple of wrecks while recording novel ideas for my new books while driving. I'm so pumped on my book projects - totally on fire - relishing the sense of focus.  
A "classic" tale? Made a final pit stop at a rest area in north Georgia - "distracted" - as I was jamming to a tune I'm
trying to equate to a magic routine...totally lost in thought. Hop from the car - my short hair, no make up, sunglasses, earrings, plus bracelets & rings - from the night before and a loose white t-shirt with no bra. Had to pee "bad" - realized after I'd gotten halfway up the walkway...I'd left my "cover coat" in the car. Oops! Wasn't as concerned about my lewd display as I was deciding which bathroom to visit. Was about to piss in my jeans - "decided"...fuck it - went directly to the men's bathroom, at least I couldn't go to jail for "that". Caused a minor stir. Whatever...
Caught up on biz issues most the afternoon. Got a bit
down from a personal issue "later" - finally decided not to worry over it. An hour-long chat with my dear friend "Any" - helped a lot. ((hugs GF)) She's so cool - knows "me" better than most (12+ years) - sort of like my younger sister. Doesn't let me off the hook - on anything! Extra proud of her - a near "mansion" for a home, a growing real estate business, a talented singer, cover girl "looks" - and still hasn't seen her 40th birthday. That is a lot of woman - and a damn good friend. I'll miss her - but she promised to visit next month.
Doing the doctor's this AM - these severe mood swings from HRT must change. This can't be "right". The most recent increase in dosage has me all over the map - keep revisiting issues from my past I'd dealt with moons ago. Could've had my own psyche PhD for what I spent in therapy sorting that crap out. Not fun - but I'm convinced it's just chemical.
That's about it - hope ya'll are well.
life in general - 04-26-03
Almost ready for my "move" to Nashville. Excited? Nervous? Yeah, a good bit of both. My first focus is simply getting moved, then a bit of "set up" & decorating - and finally...the start of the great Renee "wardrobe project". I'm doing a total sort, update & "clean out" of my closets. Plan to "dump" a good bit - and I'll post a link to all that I'm selling on ebay from this site if anyone's interested. I feel I'll need that mindless yet enjoyable endeavor as I get used to my new surroundings.
Will be an interesting year. Work-wise, I'm buried with completing past projects and "preparing" for my new company / dreams. Still more questions than answers - but I think that's known as "life", no? Appearance-wise, I'll pretty much look like the "crash dummy" most of this year. So many cosmetic changes & enhancements on the horizon. Don't look for many photos - I'm 'gonna lay low from the camera until most of
this is "done". I'll keep detailed photos on my "progress" - but I think I'll keep those to myself. *Laugh*   
My research group is holding a little surprise "going away" party for me today.
Some "surprise" - three people already told me - and there's only six of us in the group. *Laugh* I'll really miss this project. It's helped me maintain intellectual balance and created an improved sense of self worth by using & sharing certain God-given mathematical talents with linear algebra, etc. They "say" my name will stay on the published theorem - regardless of my continued involvement - but I know at least three associate professors that'll be bucking for me "off' - them on. I don't really care - doesn't "produce" for me as it does for those in academia. Still - I played a major role in two key breakthroughs - whatever... I'm aware of a group at Vanderbilt doing similar work - but it's my understanding their efforts are far less advanced and I seriously doubt they'd be willing to put up with all my idiosyncrasies. 
Had dinner with
Tawny on Thursday night - her 40th birthday. Welcome to "the club"...bitch. *Grin. I'll miss her - we got extra close these last few months - a fine woman and a very good friend. Also, very hard to even imagine life without "Darleen" nearby. She means so much to me. Funny - never felt especially close to many in Atlanta - but I do notice when I'm "out"...my large number of acquaintances. I'm sure I'll dupe "that" in Nashville - never been overly challenged by meeting others at that "level". Grabbing dinner with Sashia this week before leaving - along with a few other meetings with dear friends. After that - I'm a ghost.
Well - guess I better get back at it - hope everyone is doing "well". ((hugs))
the beat goes on - 04-15-03
Wow - so much is "happening", can hardly keep up. How about a few highlights? Thought you'd never ask... *Grin*
"Love" - Definitely the highlight of my life at this "moment". Going to visit with my sweetie this coming weekend - can't wait. Not comfortable sharing "details" here - doesn't feel appropriate. Suffice it to say I'm ecstatic to explore this special opportunity for my heart's contentment. It's just so unique - so "special".
The "move" to Nashville - "Well, my bags are packed...I'm ready to go..." *Laugh* Not quite, but almost. Delved into storage - reorganized some stuff into boxes labeled "Nashville". Feel like I'm headed off to "College"...cramming into a very small space (compared to my home) - living "simply" - working on my future "dreams"...transition & writing. Should be 'there" by the first week of May. I'm excited!
Transition - Some surgical "stuff" got put on hold. Unfortunately, that new schedule conflicted with my trip to see my sweetie. Thus, I'm not expecting to get these "things" done for two-three more weeks. If there's a further delay, I'll probably be upset. Now, I'm so "busy"....it seems inconsequential.
Work - Busy, busy. More about "finishing" projects from my past, than beginning new vistas for my future - nature of the beast. Highly motivated - can "see" my dreams coming true. Just 'gotta stay focused, focused, focused...
Fun - Had a blast at a party Saturday night at Darleen's. She met a most unique guy - and about thirty of us visited to meet him & his friends. I love seeing her "that" happy - she deserves a most special man. Sadly, there aren't many of those. I got conned into doing an impromptu DRAG act for a visiting, very straight "birthday boy". Pulled the usual stuff - stripped him down - made a man out of him, etc. All in all - a wonderful night with friends.
An intimate goodbye - A few neighbors held a little surprise party for me as a going away present - was a blast. Each recalled their favorite "Renee" memory - most of which I'd conveniently forgotten. *Grin* I'm actually thinking they're 'gonna "miss me" around here - although I'm sure some are elated I'm "leaving". *Laugh* I look forward to getting close with those living near me after I move - it's my nature to be friendly with neighbors. 
That's about it - I'll update again next week when I return home. Hope each of you is "happy"  - and enjoying this lovely spring weather. Seeya again, soon!
awake when i shouldn't be - 04-04-03
My beloved new roomie
totally screwed my "sleep" this night / AM. I bedded early, out like a light before 10:00PM. He calls - 1:00AM - to share details of his dinner date. I'm loyal enough to answer the phone & stupid enough to listen intently...it's now 2:20AM...I'm wide awake.  
Had a productive day yesterday - variety of projects, much on the horizon. Also - grabbed lunch with one of my best GG friends "Amy". Poor girl...beautiful & successful
but "single" - and childless. She adores the former, hates the latter. Trying to "set her up" with one of my straight male friends. Afterwards, visited with my old friend Suzie Peterson. She was doing some work on a property nearby. Picked her a up a barbeque sandwich - enticed her to "take a break". We chatted, caught up on "life" - and each other.  Much later, talked awhile on the phone with a relative. That was nice - don't have much extended-family interaction these days. 
Just took a walk outside - lovely AM. The sky...clouded, but reflecting a bright moon. Reminded me of a similar trek on the beaches of Captiva Island...years ago. Don't ask me why - must of been the clouds. Plus, the blowing winds through those Georgia pines resembled the gulf shore cresting. Weird, huh? "Funny" - not thought about
that trip - in years. Was a getaway - for "supposedly" hot young entrepreneurs. Never could stand most those clowns - so caught up in being somebody, forgot to "be" somebody. Still - there was always Mark Cuban. We were pretty much "riff & raff" - at those events - both with similarly-sized companies, both easily bored - and both more impressed with having fun than our "futures". Others sat through seminars - we sat on the beach. They chased dreams - we chased our tails...until the sun came up. Much changed - he now owns the Dallas Mavericks...I'm doing "this". Whatever... 
My life's been
such "a trip". Hard to imagine there's still so much "to go". Try not to reflect too often on my past...so different - than my present circumstances. Strange - used to often be reminded how "good" I was. Today, I'm most commonly prompted about my "ugliness". Yet - feel more beautiful today - than "then". So that means I'm beautiful - but not necessarily "good"? Who knows...I'm making no sense, whatsoever.
Feeling kinda "weird".
What is this empty feeling in my tummy...so "excited" - so afraid. Happy with who I am...a little disappointed in "what" I am. Know that feeling? Why do we humans feel such a need to compare "ourselves" - to our dreams? What's the point? There's no accolades, when the night slips down - just cold mother earth, and a wooden crown. What was "that" - poetry? *Laugh* Let's no even "start" going there...
Decided I'm going to get a part-time job once settled in Nashville. Something simple...store clerk, waitress, etc. - as a "female".
Think that would be healthy, ya know? 
Well - guess I should attempt to get more done - than babbling in this journal. I'm "up" - might as well. Good night - "good morning"...whatever applies...((hugs))
philadelphia freedom - 03-11-03
Had a
great time this past weekend - visiting friends in Philadelphia. 
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Arrived around noon on Friday - "Julia" was waiting at the security check point - and of course, she didn't recognize me (no matter what she says otherwise). *Laugh* Got my bags, flagged Daphne - who remained in orbit around the terminal, piled in the car - and off we headed for the motel. Never mind the fact "these" people live here...in short order, we were lost. Tracked down "Ashe" via cell phone - who verbally guided the misfits to our destination, whatever... *Laugh* (Daphne & Julia are in the second photo on the right side of this page) 
Did a bit of shopping - picked up some "hair" for the evening & had lunch at Hard Rock (
Thanks Sam!). Froze my f***ing ass off - 25 degree weather & winds was nothing like I'd seen in Atlanta. Returned to the room, soaked in a hot bath & took a quick nap to recover from exposure to the elements. That "quick" nap turned into 1 1/2 hours...and I was startled to hear the phone ringing & Ashe's wife Scarlett was the door with the valet. Naked & confused I pulled myself together enough to let them in.
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Ashe arrived in short order & we all exchanged hugs & smiles - it'd been a year since I'd last seen these dear friends. I love them both, a lot. After negotiating for mirror spots & setting up shop - we started getting ready for our night on the town & "Shock Therapy" - a monthly BDSM party at a local club. Ashe & Scar do these incredible
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"twin" looks with their outfits & hair - it's really a cool thing for a married couple to share. This night, they wore pale blue & white striped corsets, white chiffon skirts & blonde hair. Me? I looked more like their wicked step sister...dark coloring, dark hair, and smoky eyes. Hey, I've always been the black sheep in my family - no reason I'd be any different in the extended versions. (Ashe & Scar are the people in the blue & white corsets) 
Ashe shot a few photos (the ones included) before we met up with the rest of our local gang made up of Daphne, Julia, & Sam. The "party" was awesome. I always meet such interesting people at lifestyle gatherings but this one was "higher end" than most. The music - was killer. I limited my dancing to a single burst when I challenged the self-chosen break dance "stud" to a battle of moves. He fell into me - I won. But I'm still sore today from all the rises & spins. Simply stated - I'm getting too f***ing old for that kind of dancing.

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Afterwards, we trekked back to the room. We all felt a tinge in our tummies so Ashe & I removed our faces & this threesome headed for an all-night diner to consume a sinful amount of breakfast nourishment. That did it - I slept like a baby. 
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The morning was special - gave me, Ashe, Scar a chance to catch up on life & trash one another. You know, that usual banter between old friends. They headed back home to secure their offspring while I joined my dear friend Joanne Bennett for a lovely bite of Italian lunch & good chatter. I adore Joanne - she's such a classy lady. Also had a chance to visit with Julia, an adorable local GG I've met on-line this past year. Keep trying to find her that "just right" tranny match. She deserves that - she's really special, and a good friend.
Ashe & Scar returned around 5:30 with their two lovely boys in tow - found me asleep at a chair in the hotel lobby. Scar woke me - saying "they have shelters for homeless fags like me" -
such a bitch. *Laugh* After taking the long walk to a nearby restaurant (I dunno - all my friends have no sense of direction - *Grin*) - we ended up at a warm Irish pub where I tasted indigenous dishes & beer. I greatly appreciate the time I share with their children. A pair of angels, so well mannered, speaks volumes about Ashe & Scar. I try to teach them some "magic" skills - they teach me about a family's love - an awesome trade. *Smile*
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Was supposed to head back around noon on Sunday -  figured I'd haunt a couple of nearby gay clubs in my usual lone wolf motis on Saturday night - but I was just too tired. Buzzed Air"tranz" - booked a 6:30AM return flight. Of course - leaving had to prove "eventful". In Philly, they scan your bags while retaining your ticket. Weird, huh? Naturally, one of my bags got flagged - and it just had to be the one with my dog collar / handcuff rig, riding crop & fur coat. Thought the poor lady behind me was going to faint when the inspector pulled that handcuff & collar - and gave it a little "jingle". *Laugh* I'm so past giving a hoot in hell what anyone thinks of such things - just sat there grinning like a Cheshire cat and enjoying the confusion of security staff and fellow flyers situated around me.
Got home around 10:30AM - played with animals, unpacked, chatted on the phone - and called it a day. All in all...a wonderful weekend.
Needed it - the upcoming weeks are real monsters - lots happening, and my mind is clear to tackle objectives. 
Hope your weekend was lovely, as well. ((hugs))
too much fun - 03-05-03
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Just returned from Nashville - what a fabulous 24-hour getaway. Needed "that" - in so very many ways. 
My closest GG friend (Darleen) accompanied me. Ya'll "hear" me talk of Darleen often - she's so very special. Here's a photo of the two of us
late in the evening - I'm exhausted, she's shit-faced - and we're having fun, regardless.  Bad lighting - good loving, works for me...*Smile*
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Anyway...two old friends of mine do a rendition of the "Blues Brothers" - which I'd never seen. Thus, a quick trip to Music City seemed in order. Although we planned to "bolt" at 3:00PM - we didn't get gone until an hour later. Duh! *Laugh* I took a quick nap on the road - Dar snoozed a bit upon arrival - and we actually showed up on time...barely. I got ready in exactly 23 minutes - that even impressed "me". *Grin*  
The show was great. Honestly, I was very surprised at its quality.
You know - it's your friends...you can never picture them in certain roles or vocals. Not the case here - they were very talented & did a great show. I was honored to be a part of such a special memory. 
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Afterwards - changed clothes - and headed to the home of two of the dearest people I've ever met - along with a cast & crew of the most loving and adorable persona's you could imagine. Hung out for hours - even got a "pony ride" from a cute young fellow that took care of Darleen & I most the evening. Now how could I turn down a "ride" like that? *Grin*
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Ended up stopping for late sandwiches on the trek to the room - damn that hit the spot. By the time I stripped my clothing - I fell asleep in less than 60 seconds. Slept like a baby. Awoke at 8:40AM - realized I had exactly 20 minutes to grab our share of "free" breakfast downstairs. If you know me... you know, I don't pass on any freebies. Threw on what I could - piled two plates for me & Dar, and rousted her for our journey homeward. 
Made it back safe & sound -
exactly 24 hours later. Went to bed early, after unpacking - sharing "animal" love with my fave four-legged creatures, catching up on what little I missed, and scarfing down a can of tuna. Up bright & early - much to do - today. I'm off to Philadelphia tomorrow morning for another fun visit with old friends.
"Friends" - new & old - can there be any greater gift in this world? 
Nah - I sure don't think so.
Seeya again when I return from Philly...
days in my life - 02-28-03
Still very sick - can you believe it? Enjoyed a brief glimpse of improvement yesterday - back to ground zero. Been 10+ years since I remained so sick. I'm wondering...if these hormones are playing a role? Is my immune system weaker? Calling my endo on that today. Going to "lay up" most of today & tomorrow - try to nurse myself back to good health. Sucks being alone when you're sick, ya know? Doc gave me a bunch of stuff - but even the antibiotics aren't phasing this knife-life pain I endure with each swallow. Can't effectively concentrate - productivity = "0".
This sucks. "Supposed" to participate show celebrating Fat Tuesday at a dinner club in Nashville on Tuesday & visit Philly next weekend. If my ear's not better - can't do Nashville - and I sure as hell can't hop on a plane - I'd die.
Developed a mild crush on a certain guy - I hate it when I do "that" - so childish. I never tell them what I'm
really feeling. Inconsequential regardless - he's totally straight. I require, the slightly "bent" straight men. *Laugh* Perhaps I just enjoy that silly fantasy - who knows? (Don't get pissy "H" - we're not exclusive.)
Eating better - knocked off three more pounds. Of course, the
first place I lose weight is in those micro-breasts - and the last - is my damn face. Life's sooooo unfair. Hopped from the shower this AM to observe a couple of A- cups and oversized nipples atop a 38" rib cage. Got news for ya - I can't wait to add implants. This - is not what I call feminine. Look like a fag with swollen nipples. Here's a strange anecdote. I tried on an outfit I hoped to wear in Philly next weekend. Was pretty certain I wouldn't be able to get in it - as the last time I wore it - 'twas skin tight. Guess what? It was looser this time. Guess I'm holding weight in "certain" places - losing in others. I'm definitely not as "firm". Whatever...
Know what just occurred to me? It's the 28th - and I don't have a new "photo of the month" ready.
Shit. Don't want to use a recent one - they're just ragged shots taken after returning home on various nights. Hopefully, I'll feel better tomorrow - get up early, take a few pictures in one of my new outfits. 
I'm going back to bed. 
days in my life - 02-22-03
A fascinating week...eventful, at every turn. Still not over...
I like that.
Had dinner with
Sashia last night. That gal - is a damn good friend. What's extra special? We're two of the few that survived - even flourished - from the whirlwinds of early tranny life. Society acceptance & the Web is changing how girls now "grow up" - evolve, if you will. The "old days"? It wasn't a pretty process. Certain memories, will forever haunt me - awe - that I'm still "alive". Lot of gals - didn't make it, literally. We share more than that knowing glance - of not only having "been around the block"....but life in the gutter. Might sound silly - but it's special to have a friend to revisit those memories...bury some ghosts. 
Anyway...needed some "meat". *Laugh* Thus, enjoyed some tasty beef medallions at "South of France". We ventured over to Model T for a Southern Belle gathering - 'twas fun, met some nice, new people. Left early - home by around 12:30AM. Not bad, huh? I think I'm actually becoming a quasi-"grown up". *Laugh* Still - had to stop for donuts. I only had "one"...aren't you proud of me? *Smile* I'm trying - to knock off these extra pounds I gained this winter. Honestly - this was the heaviest I've been in a few years. Doesn't "suit" me.
A bit of good humor? Had scheduled my backyard "deck" to be cleaned yesterday. Only problem? The weasels arrived two hours late. When I inquired
how long their work would require - they responded with a timetable that ran smack-dab in the middle of when I'd need to "get ready' for dinner. Shook my head & said. "Okay - but one thing. When you come back to this door to pick up the payment - I'm going to look pretty different". That - was an understatement, but I figured reality would explain soon enough. That poor man's hands were shaking as he completed the work order in my kitchen two hours later...priceless.  
Have a date tonight - with a lesbian. Can you believe I'm actually "nervous"? Been a long time since I went out (formally) with a woman. My new lez
little sister "Anj" - suggested a chill pill. Good advice - but it's just not "going down" well. Planned a cool evening - we're both art enthusiasts. A dear friend owns a lovely gallery in Midtown, letting me "borrow it". (Thanks Michael ((hugs)) Planned a "picnic" dinner in the main gallery - just the two of us. Thus, if I get confused - I can just look at some painting and start talking. Aren't we the clever bitch? *Grin*
Need to start this day. Rainy - kinda nasty...good day for strategic planning projects.
Hope yours is fab...
"girls night out" - 02-14-03
"Wednesday" - started
very rough. It didn't get much better as the clock twirled. By late afternoon - I was totally wasted. Then - had to "rush" getting ready - for meeting friends. I hate being rushed as I "get ready".
I was
totally wired by the time I picked up Tawny & Erica for a night on the town. Poor Erica...my frazzled speech gave her a whole new understanding of how difficult it is to understand "English". Tawny was subsequently translating every fast-talking "southern twang" I uttered. *Laugh*
The night turned out
wonderful. What made it extra special? The unique participants - who quickly became known as: Sugar, Spice - and Everything Nice. Our varied personas were apparent in attire, attitudes, dispositions - even the manner in which we "danced". Isn't human expression beautiful?
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I'm compelled to share a bit more about "Erica". Nothing from her web page really tells you anything except she's "lovely". Guess what? She's "that" - and a whole lot more.  This - is one cool girl. Can't include personal details, not appropriate. Too bad, too. She's fascinating. I'll tell 'ya this... without a doubt - like most transsexuals, her " on-line" persona is deceiving.  
Anyway...
This small gathering was exceptional. All so different - in the approach to our transgendered natures, all very experienced - in the pros and cons of that decision, all clear-cut - in our sexual preferences, all accepting - of our physical gifts & liabilities. Thus...all - 100% comfy with "the other". Get it?
There's nothing more enjoyable than three people - totally different - yet
totally comfortable in their "own" skin. Best way to tell if another is that comfortable? Study the manner in which they accept a "different" person. Being yourself - and being "ok" with that - that's the tell-tale sign of a great living artist. I know girls who've been at this a very long time - who still feel that need to "compare". That need to "point out" why they're not like "another". Those girls - still aren't comfy in "who they are". When you cross that chasm of transsexual identity - you feel nothing but compassion. 
Thus - we had the perfect set-up for a most fun "girls night out". The even better part? It shouldn't have been fun...'twas about as dull
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an evening as you'll discover in Hotlanta. I'm talking "dead" - nothing was happening. We enjoyed a tasty dinner, bar-hopped like rabbits, cut up with every stranger we encountered, trashed one another by the minute, made a couple of sweet-tooth "stops"...the works. 
By nights end - all bodies were exhausted & returned safely to their starting pints. ((hugs)) & smiles exchanged - and new friendships were born. 
"Girls Night Out" -  just the prescription for happiness
this gal needed.
Know what? I think there
really is a "God", out there...
much ado about nothing - 01-17-03
One of those weeks...know what I mean? Nothing went quite as planned. Not good, not really "bad" - just sort of chalked up to another one bites the dust. Still, this year continues to show signs of excellence. I remain focused on a workable range of important projects to "me". 
Tonight marks that crucial third date with "XYZ Corp". I'm sorry - I know it's cheesy not including their "name" - but you know that drill. Third time in almost as many months they've invited me to some sort of corporate function down at HQ. The weird part? They keep inviting me to these "things" - but for the life of me I can't follow their agenda. They know I'm motivated to garner financial support for gender related causes. However, the events I "go" to - seem anything but charity related. It's almost like you keep expecting someone to gab your ass - and all you get is a pat on the head. Am I just becoming a hood ornament to show they "care" - about us? I suppose I don't really care - as long as I eventually get what we need - which is "money".
"Kat", et. al is holding a social gathering for Saturday's 2003 SCC planning efforts down at the Sheraton tonight. I hope to visit some old friends if I finish up with XYZ at a reasonable hour. Not excited about showing up for "that" crowd in St John's garb and flat hair - and I would be facing the coldest f***ing night of the year to have to subsequently change clothes in my car. People tend to expect the "Renee show" at these things - even showing disappointment if "she" doesn't show. I develop one more "persona" - and I win a set of steak knives. *Laugh* Whatever...
Saturday - I'll try to attend a couple of SCC planning functions. However, Saturday night I'm passing on the range of "get togethers". Darleen and I are doing a new restaurant - Brazilian motif. We created a fun habit - trying new restaurants with a total of $70.00 cash between us. That usually means no bottle of wine - but perhaps a decent "glass". It also includes a bit of negotiation on who orders exactly "what" - and how we'll share those portions. It's a good habit - trying new restaurants without spending much money.  
I remain committed to developing better friendships. I'm not always a good friend. Why not? I historically obsess on some new project and get so busy doing "that" job that I fail to do my more important job - caring for those I consider most special. Still have a pair of prior associations to "clean up" - and I'm always hesitant to deal with certain confrontations. Now, more than ever. This focus on being a better friend is improving my outlook regarding my present and future. Giving - to "get". That's a good concept.
Last Saturday was special. Had dinner with my dear friend "Tom" - first time we'd been out together without the entourage in tow. It's funny how long we can go know someone - without really "knowing
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" them. Know what I mean? I focused our entire dinner on learning more about his life. Fascinating man - survived a horrid marriage, the trials of single parenthood as a gay father, HIV & a couple of near death experiences...and he continues to shine as an excellent example for what "living" is all about. A good guy - and a good friend.
Funny - what I admire in others changed a great deal over the years. "Accomplishments?" They're cool. Still, I remain most impressed by masters of living happily. Is that because I seem unskilled at remaining happy? Who know? And more importantly...who cares?
Ciao!
starting my year off right - 01-05-03
First off..."Happy New Year" & ((hugs)). Ready for a much better year in 2003? Me too. Kinda scary to consider this year could be worse than that little bitch, huh? I invested time reflecting upon what went "right & wrong" - in 2k2. I'll save those thoughts for my next entry - seems appropriate to play a bit of "catch up" first.
Ready?
Ok then, here we go...
If...my New Year's celebration was any indication of how "good" 2003 will turn out - I'm up for a fabulous year. I had a killer time. Started with a party at Darleen's that included the most interesting mixture of personas & lifestyles. The most wonderful aspect of this assortment was how well everyone enjoyed each others company. A gang of us ended up visiting Backstreet around 1:30AM - was a fun crowd. While most our entourage remained committed to stay until the sun rose - I bolted around 4:00AM. Try as I may - I can't seem to stay out late as before.
Enjoyed...a fun "girl's night out" including dinner & a trip for coffee & deserts with my old friend Sashia. It was the first time I'd visited her home since she "redid it". Enjoyed a nice bottle of wine as she toured me through some of her clever decorating solutions. At dinner, we covered every issue from stock prices to saline implants. I needed to "talk" through a few matters bothering me amongst the local gender community and Sashia is an exceptional "listener". She's such a fine lady and I'm honored to count her as one of my better friends.
Had...a little "send off" party for a friend that's moving to Tampa. Took her to "One - Midtown Kitchen". Great food & service - one of those new places where Atlanta's pretty people like to be "seen" - but I got distracted by their pricey drinks. The owner gifted us a nice bottle of wine - so alas, I dropped my attitude. Went for coffee & deserts afterwards - 'twas a lovely evening. 
Visited...with my dear friends Michael & Betty last night at LeBuzz in Marietta. Enjoyed loads of fun & laughter as I always do with this unique pair. I brought Michael a dozen roses as a playful solution to compensate for all those times I was "tardy" for our meetings (old joke amongst friends). That was good for a smile - particularly after I hit my knees to beg forgiveness and pay appropriate homage. Caught up on life, chowed on fried munchies, enjoyed a few drinks, danced a bit, and met some nice people. Laurie Love stopped by later - she seemed much happier than I'd seen her before. I'm always encouraged when people seem more contented. Returned home - slept like a baby.  
Continuing...to invest time and money into my wardrobe. I went to a female friend I admire and asked for her help in selecting appropriate garments for "me". That - was a smart move. She's a bigger gal (like me) and always looks as if she just fell from a modeling shoot. She seemed honored by my request, took me on a whirlwind tour through her closets and better retailers - investing hours educating me on details that make up the fine art of elegant fashions. Of course, I can't afford to just walk up & buy clothes like this woman, she's very wealthy. However, I'm a fan of learning what's "best" - and best for me - so I can methodically nab those items via affordable outlets.
I embrace the fact I should "look"
better than most women to effectively present my case for achieving certain dreams & goals. I garnered that advice from an elderly African American mentor who eclipsed challenges with his born "race", which I consider parallel to my gender challenges.
The novel is "officially" under way. I'm glad I waited a year to begin this effort in earnest. The pair of classes I took to improve my skills in dialog and character development is paying off. No delusions of a best seller or a Pulitzer - but I remain hopeful I can augment my success through "wordsmithing".
I'll catch ya'll up on a few observations on my mind "soon".
I's been having some "issues" - but I'm doing better with them. Want to share my thoughts with you. I'm sure you're on the edge of your seat. *Laugh*
Until then...enjoy the freezing temperature - and enjoy being "you". 
ho-ho-ho! - 12-25-02
Happy Holidays! 
I'm doing "Christmas" at Darleen's - along with a small group of other "orphans". I'm cooking the steaks - something I remember "how to do" -
as a guy. *G* Lets just pray nobody dies from my efforts. *Laugh*
All in all - a pretty "healthy" week.
Last Thursday was Darleen's birthday (my closest GG girlfriend). A gang of us met for drinks downtown - while a few of us subsequently took her out & about Buckhead
plus a brief diversion to a male strip club. I simply adore "Dar" - I'm not sure I could've survived this past year without her. 
Dar & I ended up going for Sushi on Saturday night - then meeting up with others at Model T's & Backstreet's as the night progressed. I returned home earlier than the rest of our gang - I just can't seem to stay "out" like I used to. Wore a fun
new ensemble. Took a few photos when I got home - I'll add them when I can. I'm just so very tired of "messing" with any pictures of myself.
One observation: I'm discovering I must get adequate exercise to offset certain effects that cause depression from HRT. Simply stated - if I get good aerobic exercise -
I'm fine. If I don't - I become very weird. Since "fine" is more fun than weird - I'll try to keep up the exercise. 
I wish each of the happiest of holidays!
God Bless!
forgive me? - 12-17-02
"I'm sorry".
I received a host of emails regarding my "lack of response" - to certain questions and letters. Likewise, a few visitors wrote
again - regarding particular questions. 
Simply stated - I'm
still sick. I started back on antibiotics (which I hate) and I'm still extremely intense with a pair of work projects. Thus, I'm way behind in responses, etc. Want to know how bad things are? I haven't been shopping (retail or on-line) - in almost a month...somebody needs to call "Guinness". *Laugh*
I "bit off" more than I could chew. Those friends that know me
well - know that I sometimes do "that". While I'm halting a pair of projects - I'm still in disarray. Until I'm once again listed amongst "the healthy" - I'll be treading water - at best.
Please bear with me.
This is my problem - so try not to make it "yours" - as well. ((hugs))
"Some good news?"
Attempting to go
too far - usually illuminates real "priorities". Know what I mean? I find that when I'm trying to accomplish too many different things at once - I subsequently discover which projects I hold most dear - by which endeavor is moving "forward" - versus languishing. I'm a big fan of focusing on habits I love - versus "like". Sadly, remaining "responsible" - still governs these priorities.  
"What am I discovering?"
I'm a writer - plain and simple. While I heavily invested myself in entrepreneurial activities through the course of my life - I'm no longer passionate in that regard. It's scary to consider "writing" as my vocation. It's not an important source of income "today". 
Likewise - there's a byproduct of this profession I find disturbing - "isolation".
Writing causes me to spend increased time situated in front of this computer screen. Honestly - I don't need more of "that". I'm compensating by spending less time "surfing" the net. A cable modem made it far too easy to bounce around the world wide web - even while on the telephone. I now disconnect my access until I must get on-line. That helped. 
Finally, there's the challenge of writing about
what I love - versus what I believe will "sell". Successful writing requires a high degree of personal discipline. I perform best if I'm passionate about my message. Still - I'm not sure how I expect to earn a decent living writing on certain subjects. 
Tough decisions - but I'll figure it out...one priority at a time. *Smile*
recovery "mode - 12-04-02
"Ugh".
I contracted that God awful "flu bug" that's going around. Anybody had it?
Totally - wiped me out. I don't recall being that incapacitated since 1999. I stayed in bed almost an entire week - including Thanksgiving.
Not much worth "noting". All I did was eat, sleep, cough - and gain weight...
not necessarily in "that" order.
I need to be highly productive this month - and I'm off on the wrong foot. I'll catch ya'll up on other stuff this weekend. Gotta' focus on my work projects at this moment.
Hope everybody had a great Thanksgiving! If you still own extra turkey - send me some...I didn't get a bit of bird this year. *pout* 
"rumor control" and a few recent facts - 10-21-02
"Rumors" -
don't you just love 'em? 
God - I wish I'd had sex with half the number of people others often "say" I have. *Laugh*
"The latest rumor?" 
I made "all my money" from some escort business.
That's classic. Folks - it's really simple...I'm a "cleaner". Almost everything I do, or have done in the last fifteen years - be it writing, inventing, or operating a business - is in one way or another associated with "cleaning". Period - end of story. Prior to that - I ran a fast food chain. I did a few side vistas in technology ventures - the usual entrepreneurial crap. I gained a good bit of notoriety in my early years for these exploits - but we all "know" what held me "back" - from going further & becoming more visible. When it becomes appropriate - I'll add a detailed listing of my present and past personal exploits on this web site - probably around 2005. 
I suppose one could say I'm a bit "weird". Why?
Ok - you're right - there's a lot of reasons for "that". *Grin* I sort of walked into that one, huh? 
Seriously,
I enjoy developing novel solutions to the removal of all forms of "dirt". I like "cleaning". I also enjoy "waiting on people"...being "of service" - if you will. I'm considered one of the most skilled and knowledgeable people in certain sectors of the "cleaning" industry. I developed a couple of lucrative patented technologies in this regard. 
So what am I now "doing"? I'm re-launching my "expertise" - as an openly transsexual person - with the goal of building a new company that will eventually be listed as one of America's fastest growing -
a first for a transsexual. I relish the idea of showing the world we can be successful at more than "stealth" - escorting" - or entertainment. That - turns me on - both "for me" and my sisters.
I've "saved" - I've planned - I've prepared. The result? I've "started" - building my dream. Wish I could share a more sexy or glamorous history or "future" - but this is all I have...
it's what I am. Nothing more - nothing less. ((hugs))
"What else is happening?"
I'm busy. Better stated - I'm swamped! *Smile* The good part of my being "overwhelmed" - is I don't have much time to worry about "my problems". So "busy" - is a good thing! I'm "happier". I attribute part of my happiness to my continued focus of steering clear of much interaction with the gender community. Most of my new and best friends are associated in no way with "alternative" gender issues. Thus, I don't get bogged down in giving a hoot in hell about "where I'm at" - or "where anyone else is" - I'm just "living". *Smile*
Upcoming travel and fun? That's always my favorite subject. *Grin* I'm headed to Tampa the weekend of October 26th - to visit with my dear friend Debbie Allen and enjoy the festivities of "Guavaween". I'm headed to Louisville & Ft. Lauderdale on work related projects in November - but I'll be sure and budget some "play time" as well. I'm also doing a few makeovers on Halloween and romping the town with a group of wild and crazy friends.
Go figure! 
Work? I'm kicking ass in each direction. Very pleased on "this" front. Methodically, I'm developing better opportunities for my business while I move forward with my femme transition. My confidence is heightened - but I remain cautious. My goals are lofty. I simply can't afford to expect that a new found "high" - won't also equate to a challenging "low" in the future.
Web page? I've
started drafting new content for the "Admirer's Handbook". Look for new section in the coming weeks and months. What "new" stuff? You know - those subjects with all those empty "coming soon headings"? So it wasn't "soon" - sue me. *Grin* 
Regarding my "web page"...I recently became "mildly" irritated. In one single evening of "surfing" - something I rarely do anymore - I discovered three web pages that
totally plagiarized my content. I'm honored when others link my site, and I'm pleased that some people find my info "helpful" - but simply "cutting & pasting" my writing (or just slightly editing my words) - without so much as giving me a "note" of recognition - is fairly cheesy. While many of the subjects I include "are not new" - the exact way I express it - is unique. If it were any other "subject" - I'd fry their asses. Alas - I'm dedicated to all "this" being shared as much as possible - no matter "how" that happens. It's frustrating. All my life people have pawned my original ideas as their own. I get sick of it. Thank God for patents & copyright laws - in the areas that matter "most" to me.
What else, what else...the three primary vistas in my life that are "not" associated with "the cleaning business" - my magic show, novel, and art collection...are "snailing" along. My new magic show is so f***ing "large" - I've learned I can only dedicate specified time to its development. It could easily rob "all my time" - and it doesn't produce the sort of financial rewards that allow for that investment. Currently, I'm trying to finish my new costumes. They's hot! *Smile* I've also started taking dance lessons. Trust me - I need them. *Laugh* My novel?  What novel? *Laugh* I'm keeping this on the "back burner" right now - have to finish my damn new "cleaning" book "first". Art-wise...I'm simply dying to purchase a new painting - but alas, I can't "afford" to do so. I've bid on a few "cheapies" consistent with the needs of my collection - but it seems I wasn't the only person that "found" those deals. I always get outbid. Since the only way I could work on my art collection (beyond "buying") - is by "writing" on the book & web page - nothing is happening. I'm soooo behind on "writing" - it's what every project demands of me - "putting my ideas into words". Story of my life...
Finally - I'm addicted to Marie Calendar Turkey Pot pies. If I should "die" anytime soon - somebody please pour a couple of them on my grave. I'd remain "eternally" grateful...*Grin* Jus5t be sure and "overcook" them a bit - I like "burnt crust"...
Until we meet again....
a poem 09-29-02
A poem I wrote in honor to those that worked so hard to make SCC 2002 so special for all of thus that attended...
 

The Back of the Bus
A Tribute to Southern Comfort Conference 2002
By Renee Reyes
For "passing" first grade, they made him return
How’s that for success and some luck?
Thus, early to bed – a peck on his head
  He waited outside for the truck.
 
Climbing on board, grabbing a seat
Eyes chasing each minor fuss,
Spying in verso – a dark skinned young lady
–        Alone, in the back of the bus.
 
A child asked his mother – what person is this - the same, yet so different from me?
Those eyes shined like fire, and shared for her sire - exactly as I will tell thee:
 
“The back of the bus – is really the front
A place where the angels do tend,
The gateway to heaven - it opens forever 
–        When the girl in the back is your friend."

 

 A football team captain, class president was he
 Not bad - for a boy from the back,
 No gender to hinder – his race made him tender
 This future looked sharp as a tack.
 
 Fast-forward a score - add a few years
 Now comes dishonor and shock,
 For under all that - a transsexual woman
 –        Complete with her closets and frock.
 
What might Lincoln do – if he saw his son now
Would he offer a pillow as rack?
Never mind those who died - to crush these deep scars
This world – just said, “please use the back”.
 
He’d been there before, he knew this terrain
But somehow it felt extra low,
You know the difference – he understood too…
–        He’d never been forced there to go.
 
 He grasped for support – none he could find
 A cancer had taken his tree,
 Cold hearted in anger, he cried to the heavens
 “No angels avail there for me?”

 

A head bowed in sorrow – a heart filled with shame
Gravity tugging at knees,
From deep in his soul, he tasted that spirit
–        And suddenly there was a “she”.

 

 He cried as she held him, dabbing mascara
 Clearing those eyes filled with foam,
 She smiled at her baby – and said only these words
 –        "I knew you could find your way home".
  
This poem, it was started – one year ago
The words somehow lost in the midst,
It took SCC – and one thousand good sisters
For me to discover its gist.
 
It’s really quite simple, His son made it clear 
A camel and eye to be free,
Today he might mention, the back of the bus
– As one way to walk with Thee.
  My heart felt thanks goes to all those hard workers that made everyone's SCC extra special!  
This poem may be reprinted / published or used by anyone as they see fit. ((hugs))

 
last second "whatever" - 09-18-02
Quick update  -
been busy.
SCC (Southern Comfort Conference) starts this week. I stopped by the conference briefly today - in order to drop off my dear Sarah West. She arrived Sunday and we visited all Monday afternoon. However, today she needed transport from her friend's place to the hotel - so we enjoyed another lunch together. I always like my visits with Sarah - she's a wonderful person.
I'm all "packed" for SCC - but just too busy with work projects to think much about it. There's a few new faces I'm looking forward to meeting. I'm most focused on discovering some important details to my transitional plans. Thus, I'm not even taking any outfits for nightclubbing. It's just not on my agenda. 
I already received "varied" comments regarding my article on "parasexuality" published at
tg forum this week. I'll discuss this more in detail in a future entry. No time at the moment. 
Here's a "copy" of the article:
Parasexuals – understanding the “step sisters” of transsexuality
By Renee Reyes
Ever find yourself at odds with another transsexual because they exhibit a different method of “living” with transsexuality from your own? Perhaps you sometimes feel frustrated by not "fitting" classical definitions within transsexuality.
You’re not alone – “this” frustrates a lot of members of the TS community.
These annoyances can overflow into heated debates amongst transgenders regarding what’s “right or wrong” – concerning varying manifestations of transsexual behavior and appearance.
This past year, I gained increasing comfort identifying with a new concept that explains a common variation of certain transsexual behavior known as   "parasexuality".
What’s a parasexual?
A parasexual is a person who’s born with an alternative gender identity but continues to endear both masculine and feminine traits. A key word within parasexuality is the “endearment” of both genders.
For example - while I was born a “man” – I now
look like a woman. I prefer to “live” as a female in both function and appearance. However, I embrace the fact I’ll always “act and think” like both.
Most people relate to the fundamental “concept” of parasexuality. It’s a natural human experience to continually explore alternative sides within the human psyche. However, for parasexuals – this progression is far more dramatic.
Certain doctors might be quick to diagnosis parasexuals as merely highly functional “level four or five” transsexuals (Benjamin scale). However, these
classic definitions only serve as a “starting point” - for what a parasexual really ‘is”.
They fail to account for the results of “evolution” – from the continual crisscrossing of gender. This end result –
the parasexual phenomenon – is a unique occurrence born from that long-term physical and emotional marriage of two genders. Succinctly stated: “Nature” – finds a way.
What’s the parasexual phenomenon?
The parasexual phenomenon – is the creation of a hybrid transsexual person – from the evolutionary process of continual emotional and physical mitosis and fusion of gender identity.
While birthed as an individual with extensive transsexual “issues”, a parasexual is actually “born” from the enduring process of living in a blended manner. “Birth” is an ongoing process reared from the parasexual’s constant gender “clashes”. Gender clashes are the evolutionary process whereby a parasexual finds their final identity – and happiness.
The first phase of each new parasexual evolution occurs through gender mitosis. The “exact” agenda for each mitosis is a function of how long the individual has been living between genders and the degree of alternative gender medical and psychological therapy received. This stage  – including sometimes violent “labor pains” – eventually creates a hybrid change of both psyche and physical appearance.
Following each mitosis is a phase of subsequent gender “fusion” – resulting in a slightly different persona than existed before the most recent gender mitosis. Certain traits are lost – others gained. New traits – distinct from either “parent” gender – even occur from this dynamic process.
Living with Parasexuality
Frustration amongst parasexuals remains high. Traditional norms for transsexual medical care don’t account for the phenomenon. Thus, parasexuals are often forced to “lie” to practitioners – in an effort to attain treatment for their parasexual tendencies. Likewise, few therapists are trained in clear-cut vistas for its successful resolution.
Another challenge? Parasexuals often feel isolated from the transsexual community. Since a person that evolves in this manner is no longer “male” or female” –
what are they? Certain members of the traditional TS majority choose to contest parasexual tendencies – rendering them outcasts. For people just beginning to comprehend their parasexuality – the desire to “fit in” can result in selecting conventional medical and psychological paths for transition – with disastrous, even deadly – results.
Parasexuals are “different” – amongst an already “different”. Thus, parasexuals could aptly be termed “the stepsisters of transsexualism”.
Parasexual Therapy
While the traditional transsexual dedicates a lifetime to the completion of specific tasks that result in correcting nature’s mistake from birth – parasexuals forever endear facets of their beginning gender. Growth – is achieved through a long-term series of mitosis and fusion.
Treating a person exhibiting parasexual tendencies with traditional transitional methodology is potentially dangerous. Those most adept – will often ‘lie” in an effort to maintain their inner agenda. Others face increased possibilities of suicide from traditional treatment.
Successful counseling of the parasexual is a function of helping the patient embrace their unique identity as “positive”, reducing the internal friction resulting from the sometimes violent nature of gender mitosis, and helping them embrace newly formed traits during subsequent identity fusion.
While parasexual therapy mirrors the traditional TS process in many respects – it includes a few unique challenges, including:

  • Diagnosing an individual as parasexual versus traditional transsexual – and providing confidence for their unique sexuality;
  • Determining “where” the patient is presently situated in the parasexual evolutionary process,
  • Offering specific counseling to help the individual sort through present and future gender mitosis,
  • Aiding the patient in evaluating newly formed traits from subsequent fusion.
“Steps” to parasexual happiness
Are you dealing with the challenges of a parasexual identity? Here’s a few tips for improving your life:
Love what you are – Being different – within a “community” already tagged as unique – is challenging. Embrace those facets of your unique gender identity that make you feel special.
Be Patient – Early stage parasexuals often feel compelled to “hurry” the process of gender merger. Resist this temptation. Success occurs from “letting” it happen – not making it happen.
Learn to embrace the “clashes” – Ever become frustrated with all the inner “fighting” over your gender polarity? A key to parasexual success is to embrace these clashes as part of your growth process as a parasexual.
Accept some ignorance – We’re not yet included in traditional medical journals. Thus, you’ll face a tougher time in each “step” of certain physical mergers of gender from all facets of the medical, psychological and TS community at large. You’re special – and that has a “cost”.
Continually assess yourself – Parasexuals find happiness after varied levels of physical and emotional gender mergers. With retrospection and therapy you’ll eventually find the ideal balance between your genders – even enjoy certain unique traits – birthed from the parasexual phenomenon. Assessment is essential.
The future of parasexuality
Perhaps you know a parasexual – or someone who exhibits these characteristics. If not, it’s my guess you’ll meet one in the near future. The ease of access regarding transitional approaches spawned from the Internet is creating a birthplace for these uniquely sexed individuals like never before.
Some might accuse parasexuals of simply attempting to create a new “brand” of transsexualism – in order to feel better about “themselves”. That’s possible. However - was the introduction and acceptance of the term “transgenderism” any different?
More exacting definitions create heightened clarity that subsequently improves discussion amongst like-minded individuals with opposing viewpoints. Identifying as a parasexual allows me to embrace what I am – and remain proud of my unique identity. Likewise, I no longer feel compelled to fight over ownership of the single piece of TS real estate known as “transsexuality”.
That – means I enjoy
my life more fully each day.
Isn’t “that” – what living –
is all about?
recent summary - 07-12-02
So much to "say" so little time.
I made some interesting notes in my personal journal the last couple of weeks - just didn't have the opportunity to share those things "here" - yet. 
I "will" soon - later this month..
.ok??
How about a "basic" life-update?
The "Fourth"
My dearest friend "John" visited for the 4th of July. As always, we had a blast. Strangely, we've been friends since first grade. However, our association grows stronger as "Renee' plays a larger part in the association. I "think" that's called
intimacy...no secrets - just pure friendship. 
Also, I encountered an old female friend / coworker in classic fashion while playing a game of pool. "This" friend knew
of Renee - had even visited this web page. 
However - she'd never "seen" me. 
One trait that makes it challenging to identify me between genders is that I often wear 6" heels. Thus, my smaller 5'9 frame rises over 6 feet in a hurry. 
Anyway - she walked over to "compliment" my outfit. I looked her dead in the eye and "said' her name. 
Still no recognition. 
I said it "again".
Then - she freaked and we hugged madly and shared a great night together. 
It was too much fun. Love ya "LA". ((hugs))
Travels
I just returned from a work / fun trip to Los Angeles. Here's a quick recap of stuff worth telling...
Airline
I
now "hate" Vanguard Airlines. I'm sorry - if you work for this company. I can't stand the "approach to problems" I encountered. A three+ hour delay "getting" to LA...and three+ hour delay returning five days later. 
Never once an "I'm sorry". 
It's always someone else's fault. 
They wore me out -
never again...
Queen Mary
I visited the Queen Mary last Saturday night -
had a lovely time. Met a host of new & interesting people. 
Outfit... I wore the outfit included in my "Coming Soon" photos - albeit with my smaller "Marilyn" hair. It went over well - but I'm self conscious of my facial skin at present. These damn hormones are causing my complexion to go through "puberty" - not fun. 
Strange... We now live in a unique world. I "wore" the Marilyn look - for only the second time "ever". I posted photos of this "look" - at my web site only a week before I left for LA. The result? I stepped outside to the "smoking" patio at the QM - and a sweet guy comments about my look - and how much he enjoyed my photos of "it". 
Jeez! I travel all the way across the country with a "new" look - yet it's not "new" - after it's been on
the Net for one single week. 
It's a brave new world...
Depression... I slipped away from the crowd for awhile and found myself mired in a mild case of "depression". Why? I'd just been chatting with an absolutely stunning 27-year-old transsexual. Her facial skin and youthful beauty combined for a look I'll admire - but "I'll never have". I wish she'd been a "bitch" - it would be so very easy to hate a gal that looks "that" good. *Laugh* Sadly, she was just sweet as could be. 
As we talked, I observed a much older tranny - drunk, lifeless, being groped by some bozo. In that moment I found myself situated "between a rock and a hard place" - literally
...and figuratively. Before my eyes - was everything I'd never "be"....and everything I prayed I'd never "become". 
I needed a moment to pull myself together after that experience. 
It's hard "not" to define yourself by your "beauty' in "this" lifestyle,
damnit!
Almost... If you're one of those people forever "asking" me to pose nude - you "almost" got your wish Saturday night. While engrossed in conversation and subsequent hot dancing with a lovely t-gal late Saturday night - a guy offered us $3,000 - to pose for a photo shoot "together". I'm not really into other tranny's on a sexual plane - but the combination of a depleted checking account from earlier "shopping" and one too many alcoholic drinks "almost" got a yes - out of me. 
Alas, my sensibilities finally grabbed hold -
and I declined. There's nothing wrong with "this' in my book - it's just not "my' thing. 
Turned out I discovered my new "friend" is one of the most photographed tranny's on the Net. I "thought" she looked familiar. *Laugh* I suppose the
whole friendship - was likely a "set up". 
Whatever...
Hotel
A "friend" suggested a hotel near the Queen Mary - that just wasn't
my cup of tea. "That" area - is not overrun with fine accommodations. I lucked into a great place called "The Sportsmen's Lodge". It's great.
I was hesitant - but I was "out of time" when I checked in. 
Why was I nervous? There's actually a "moose head" in the entry area. *Laugh*
You know - "The Sportsmen's Lodge" - literally & figuratively? *Laugh* 
I noticed a number of "good ole boys" chatting - as I unloaded my suitcases. My eyes sought discreet entry / exit routes for the scant "clubbing" clothes I'd be donning soon. Turned out - all the "Billy-Bob's" were sweet as could be - as was the hotel staff. I even posed with a group of them for photos when I returned home for the evening. Alas, good people - are just "that". 
This is a first-rate property "for the money" ($100/night) - and is only blocks from the QM. 
I'll stay there again.
Shopping
"Ahem." 
Like I "needed"
to go shopping. 
"I hate visiting LA." 
My poor bank account gets black & blue with each trip. 
To make matters worse, my "work" hotel was located across the street from the Ontario Mills shopping center. Thus, I "overspent" in Hollywood - then went totally broke in Ontario. 
I
know I once had self control - I just can't recall "exactly" when that was....*Laugh*
Key purchases? Mostly "fillers" for the completion of "existing" outfits. Also, I purchased a stunning new "Show" wig.
Cool stuff.
A Good Friend
The real highlight of my trip was getting to spend Sunday afternoon with "Chris" from
Hollywood Costume & Wigs. If you need great hair that's styled to perfection - pick up the phone and call this guy. He'll make you feel totally comfy and he knows his stuff. 
Simply stated - he runs a
great service.
However - beneath all those great products and service - is a lovely person. We chatted for hours on subjects ranging from racial tension to expressionist art - with equal vigor. I got to visit his lovely apartment - and even concealed my jealousy of his killer view of Hollywood. *Laugh*
I
know many people. I "meet" far more than I know.  Rarely, do I make quick "friendships". 
Chis - is a good one...
Work
Ooops...
I "worked" as well, didn't I? *Laugh* 
It was a highly productive trip. 
One more - in the next month or two - and I won't have much reason to visit LA for awhile.
Home Again
I'm "home" - I picked up a "cold" while in LA - and feel
like crap. 
A few days - I'll be good as new.
I hope...
I just finished "reviewing" my email "bag". 
I'm blessed with so many nice comments from sweet people. 
I need
that.
"Why"?
For some strange reason - I'm a magnet for the "psycho's"
as well...
Whatever...
And so....
"Otay, Spanky". 
That's a wrap...seeya next time. **Kiss** 
did you miss me?- 06-25-02
"Wow!"
I never expected so many people to comment (
alright they "bitched") - about me not "writing" here recently. 
Now I feel a "little"
bit bad.
Tell 'ya what... 
I'll try to drop "a note"
in here once a week. I mean, I still write in my daily journals...might as well dump my "issues" out into a public forum, huh? 
Whatever. 
I'm now convinced ya'll are just as twisted as I am! *Laugh*
Let's play some "catch up"...ok?
Here goes...
I
started "hormones". 
Jeez! Did my body ever "freak out". 
The "good news" is my Doc says I've got one of those one-in-a-million body/chemistries when it comes to hormone therapy. 
Translation? He saw "measurable" growth -
in less than 7 days!  I like to think it's just my body "going where it was always meant to go". In reality - it's just "genetics".
The bad news? 
I experienced blood clotting and had to come right "back off"
them. 
Grrrrrr! 
We're working it out. I've got a very smart doctor - plus he's "cute". *Grin*
What else?
I did a "Marilyn Monroe"
look last weekend. I called her "Marilynn" - you know what the extra "n" stands for...*Grin*
Anyway, it was fun - but I honestly got tired of every Tom, Dick & Henrietta calling me "Marilyn" from across the room.
That is not a look I'll do often. I shot some photos when I got home - a few samples are included in my "Coming Soon" gallery.
Speaking of which...
I mentioned at the first of June I was quitting the photo shoots. What did I subsequently do? I shot pictures all day the following Sunday. Go figure. *Laugh*
Actually, I had a dear friend visiting for the weekend who had met some girl & brought her back to my home. They were chatting intimately & I was trying to give them some "space" (aren't I sweet? - *grin) - so shooting photos was all I could think of doing.
I shot pictures of a new show wig. Again, a few photos are in the "coming soon" area.
And Finally...
Okay, I'll be honest. I missed writing "here". 
It's funny -
but it helps me.
We'll chat again soon...
**kiss**
busy, busy, busy... - 05-04-02
Jeez! I'm "slammed" right now. Between work, play, projects - and "Miss Thang" - I'm barely finding time to breath right now.
Most of it - is good stuff. Of course - it wouldn't be "life" - without my fair share of "bad" - but all in all - things are going my way.
I visited Los Angeles this past week - for work, pleasure and shopping - my favorite combination. *Smile*
I met some really neat new friends at the Queen Mary. ("Elda" - you're
way cool, GF) Just curious though - why does an Italian mother name her daughter "Elda"? *Grin* 
I shopped like
a fiend Sunday on "the" Boulevard. I "started out" before most the stores were open - and walked pretty much up one side of Hollywood Boulevard - and down the other. In "that" process I discovered some great little shops I'd never seen before. I eventually scored a couple of couple well-priced "prized" possessions including a new "show" wig and a lovely bolero jacket. That's always nice.
You know - I get comments at times regarding why I don't include photographs of either my "show" looks - or "day" appearance. There's a reason for both of these...
My "show" costumes, hair and make up is a REAL job to apply. When I finish
a show - I immediately (and carefully) pack my "stuff" away - and usually don my typical club attire. It's just not worth the hassle to shoot photos in all that "gear".
My "day" look is another issue. Strangely, I'm a bit more "protective" of what I
look like (as a girl) when I'm at the mall, etc. I always have been - it's just an old habit. I shoot "photos" as a way of winding down after a long night of "clubbing". Beyond that - I rarely take a picture. I honestly get tired of seeing pictures of me".
"Work" went well - for more than one reason. "Progress" is always good - and I enjoyed "that" on two fronts. The most important - to me - was I had recently shared my lifestyle with a coworker - whom I respect and admire.
When we got together in LA - he told me he had taken the time to read my website in its "entirety" - out of respect for "me". That - caused me to draw a rather deep breath. I "say" a lot here - and I'm never certain how a "layperson" might take "some" of my comments.
He subsequently shared with me how "understanding" all of me - had offered him a new appreciation for people of alternative gender and sexual orientation. I know that was challenging and I appreciated both his candor - and goodwill.
Good "friendships" are hard to come by. Prototypical "straight" guys can find "this" threatening - for all the wrong reasons. I've had associations become "strained" because of "this" - with some of my old male friends.
It's nice - when a person can be insightful enough to look beyond one's lifestyle - and simply appreciate knowing more about a good friend's "life". 
Thanks - for your understanding and willingness to be open minded. That sort of outlook - will serve you well in your upcoming marriage. I wish you
both the sort of unbridled happiness and bliss - you deserve. *Smile*
our "stuff" defines us 04/17/02
Jeez! I'd have never guessed I'd miss my "stuff' the way I do. 
Almost all my belongings are securely "packed away" in storage. I felt I'd need and appreciate the freedom of "light weight" surroundings. However, I'm beginning
really to "miss" my little world.
I'm starting to understand I can't "build" a new life in the same manner - I did twenty years ago. I'm now a creature of habit. Part of
that habit - is familiar surroundings. My worst error in this regard was packing all my photo albums and certain memorabilia. It's not wise to "box" a pleasant recollection. I feel naked - and a bit too wayward without these items.
I'm a "home" sort of person. I need the stronger sense of stability a "settled" environment affords.
I'm going to rearrange my priorities to get "settled" sooner than I first allowed in my plans. 
Aside from "that" - I'm busy, busy, busy.
I'm totally "burned out" on writing new sections for this web page. It's sad - as many sections are already well "roughed" out. However, my free time is now a most precious commodity - and I simply can't justify writing "here" - as a high priority.
I did "write" an article that will be included in the TG Forum during the week of the April 29th. It's entitled "Transsexual Millionaires" - a subject sort of close to my heart. *Smile* I'll include it "here" after its been published "there".
'Gotta run!
t-girl "awards" - 04-04-02
Ever noticed those various t-girl "awards" and contests you find situated all over "girl's" home pages around the Internet? They're a fun and healthy "activity" in the t-community. They serve to motivate a gal to improve her look and style - in order to garner her "claim to fame".
The same thing occurs in the gay "pageant" world. There are small regional titles, various national titles - the the "ultimate titles.
One thing the best such organizations do "well" - is limit participation in the lesser pageants - by those that have already won significant titles. 
I think we need such "limitations" in the on-line world
as well.
If you're a t-girl whose already won your share
of awards - consider "stepping aside" - and letting some of the fresh faces in our little world get the opportunity to bask in glory you already enjoy. 
"But it's a 'new' award you've never won?"
So what!! 
When an already "heralded" t-girl does
this - she doesn't "win". Rather, she starts to "lose" - the most important of human traits..."class".
You
know you're one hot lady. The whole Web is aware you've "got it going on".  Why not let a newer gal - whose just stating to relish in this pleasure - bask in "that" glory. 
Sadly, there are so few accolades. We must "share" -
just a bit!
The "girl" in you will always seek "attention". Believe me
- I know. *Smile* However, the woman in your soul will whisper the more classy alternative in most decisions.
Please "listen" -
to her!
((hugs))
a tough week - 03-09-02
"This" - was
a rough week.
I "lost" my male Labrador retriever. I won't bore you with details. Honestly, they're too bizarre to sound credible. I've retraced "the events" a thousand times. I still can't believe "this" happened. I miss him - and so does my female "Lab" - whose
his mother. I didn't sleep much - kept expecting him to show up at my door step. I put out flyers, offered a reward in the newspaper, drove the area for hours on end, checked the animal shelters...no luck. 
It's been six days - I'm not optimistic but I'll continue checking "the pound". 
On positive notes:
I busied myself by working on the "on-line makeover" section. This project is starting to "gel". I'm finally beyond
that "disorganized" stumbling block one faces when writing a large, varied project.
Looks like the "photo tips", "exercise", and "wigs" sections will be the first ones uploaded. I'm starting to enjoy working on it now that it's flowing. I write and edit on it an hour each morning. Keep your eyes peeled...*Smile*
our "stuff" defines us 04/17/02
Jeez! I'd have never guessed I'd miss my "stuff' the way I do. 
Almost all my belongings are securely "packed away" in storage. I felt I'd need and appreciate the freedom of "light weight" surroundings. However, I'm beginning
really to "miss" my little world.
I'm starting to understand I can't "build" a new life in the same manner - I did twenty years ago. I'm now a creature of habit. Part of
that habit - is familiar surroundings. My worst error in this regard was packing all my photo albums and certain memorabilia. It's not wise to "box" a pleasant recollection. I feel naked - and a bit too wayward without these items.
I'm a "home" sort of person. I need the stronger sense of stability a "settled" environment affords.
I'm going to rearrange my priorities to get "settled" sooner than I first allowed in my plans. 
Aside from "that" - I'm busy, busy, busy.
I'm totally "burned out" on writing new sections for this web page. It's sad - as many sections are already well "roughed" out. However, my free time is now a most precious commodity - and I simply can't justify writing "here" - as a high priority.
I did "write" an article that will be included in the TG Forum during the week of the April 29th. It's entitled "Transsexual Millionaires" - a subject sort of close to my heart. *Smile* I'll include it "here" after its been published "there".
'Gotta run!
home "dreams" 02/27/02
I'm in "good spirits" today - I hope
you are as well. *Smile* It's a chilly morning...Brr! Brr! Brr! 
I just completed
a fresh layout of my "new" living room. I recognize this is a total "waste of time" - as I have no idea regarding the dimensions and layout of my "living room". Why? I don't know where I'm "moving" yet. *Laugh* I don't even know what city I'll be "in". I've carefully packed away almost all my "things" - in preparation for a "move up the street" - or across the Continent. Either "direction" - I'm ready. *Laugh*
Anyway..."I know" it won't be a "large" place - as I don't need or "want" large. I require high ceilings and lots of wall space to exhibit my art collection. I need enough square footage for my functional needs and to ideally place my antiques / furniture - but beyond "that" - I don't want a yard, etc. Renee don't do "yard work". *Laugh*
You can count on "one thing". It'll be
well decorated - within an inch - of its life. *Grin* I love "decorating - must be "the fag" in me. *Laugh* There is no better feeling than to walk into a well appointed room "cluttered" with your favorite possessions and relish the realization "this" - is your home. 
I think "home" is so very important to "humans".
Houses - are a dime a dozen. "Home" - is special. It requires "love". It requires you. I like the entire "concept" of "home". That's an underrated "pleasure" - in my book. 
I'm also looking forward to "entertaining". I'm always
coming up with clever ideas for unique "theme parties" for small groups of friends. I'm particularly interested in embracing "holidays". 
This need is deeper than it first appears. Why? My sister committed suicide when I was only 15 years old. Following her death - "holidays" were challenging for my parents. They they served as a reminder of what wasn't "here" - versus - what "was". I retained this "bad habit" as an adult - failing to relish the festive seasons. I "lost" the habit of "joy" - in these moments.
I now recognize this is a "decision" I can "choose" to alter.
I choose "to do so". *Smile*
"kicked out" of msn transsexual chat 2/19/02
Earlier today - I got "kicked out" of a f***ing chat transsexual room on "MSN Chat" because some bozo
said "ReneeReyes1 is a porn site" (my chat 'name' on msn). The chat administrator didn't check for "themselves" - didn't ask me - just kicked me out. I was right in the middle of an enjoyable "pm" conversation with a person I'd not chatted with in some time. Suddenly - I was "gone"...
I came
back in and angrily asked "why". Nobody explained anything. I childishly "left" versus "dealing" with it. I couldn't help it. This upset me greatly. My fingers were trembling to a point I could not "type". Why? First, I can simply walk out my front door - to face a world that will judge me without "jury". I don't expect such archaic "trial" amongst the transgender community. Second, I'm "proud" of my web page. For another person to call it "pornography" hurt - a lot. It still hurts me "right now".
Why am I letting one "idiot" and one
overworked "chat host" upset me? What did I learn from "this"? I "learned" some people consider my page pornography. I'd love to see how much helpful information they've taken the time to "share". Alas, they're entitled to that opinion. I've learned I'm just as likely to face discrimination in the transsexual community as I am in the "real" world. That's nothing new...*Laugh* I think the most important thing I've "learned" is I need to quit "chatting" on-line with strangers. It's a total waste of time and energy. 
I know many of the people "personally" in other rooms. I'll stick to where I'm "safe". My soul doesn't need any
new dents...
geocities - a bad rap - 2-04-02
Everybody seems to be "trashing" Geocities for now "charging" for monthly site bandwidth. 
I find this
disturbing. A few years ago - they embraced our "community" and virtually "built" the on-line tranny "world". Now - they ask a few bucks to cover their costs - and we rename them "GeoShitties". That sucks.
I appreciate the fact they embraced "my site" when others denied me. They're not making big bucks - take a look at their earnings. The net is no longer a free ride. What worthwhile life vista, is??
A couple of dollars a month difference between "them" and
a cheaper vendor? 
I'll
stick with "the date" that brought me to the dance. I consider "that" the classy thing "to do". 
we "forget" so...quickly 2/03/02
I
went off on a tranny "friend" while out nightclubbing last evening. Why? Because "she" went off on a relatively new "cross dresser" that was "hitting on her". I get so sick of this arrogant attitude by most pre-op's. 
Name me a tranny that didn't "start" by running around with "an erection" while wearing panties - and I'll name you a liar. If you're one of "these" types - do the world a favor - and get off your damn pedestal. 
Try this: Develop a canned set of "responses" to these approaches from "beginners". Hone it down through trial and error. It "works" for me - I know it will "work" for you. Most of these "new gals" mean no harm. Some - will eventually become important contributing members of "this" community. Guess what? They'll grow to "emulate" those gals they most admired early on. 
Want
to create a bunch of "bitches" - or leaders? It's up to you - and me. 
the net is crumbling 2-03-02
Updating my links today. Damn, a lot of sites are "gone". Freedom isn't free - and neither is the ability to express oneself. 
We all now know the net dreams were full of "hot air". However, it continues to form a crux for the growth of in understanding and embracing  transgenderism. I hated to see some sites "gone". Some were old friends. Where are they? Guess I'll have to do some "digging".