my plans & challenges "as a woman"
This will likely become one of the larger sections of my journal - because I'm very concerned over the issues I face in this "regard".
"Yes" - I'm going further with "all this". I've prepared for years - but kept my plans to "myself". Why? I don't tend to agree with the "process" followed by many transsexuals and their therapists. Here's what I'm doing - and dealing with...
and then there were three... 12-16-03
Sick with the flu. Such fun, huh?
Thinking hard about my plans for 2004. Cutting the objectives to three...successful transition, a decent career & a comfortable home. Need priority - I'm sorely missing a sense of stability & focus in my activities. Never stopped doing all that engaged me since this started. Can't handle it - too much change without changing.
The hard part? Letting go - of everything else. Writing new sections for this website? I wish - no free time. Social fun...play-time with friends? Almost impossible to get the opportunity. Dating...investments in true love? Too emotionally unstable to absorb the risks. Hobbies...interests? Not a free moment & can't afford most of 'em.. Empire building & larger business dreams? Best to wait until my feet are more firmly planted. In other words - I'm focused on stability - which includes completion of my appropriate gender, a stronger sense of home, a healthy career & an improved sense of self.
Transition is far more overwhelming than anticipated. Surgical & body modifications? That - is the easy part. Selecting & acquiring appropriate attire (in colors & styles that work for me) for all seasons & occasions, morning & evening facial & skin regimens, medications, proper diet, exercise, vitamin supplements, nail care, hair styling, pedicures, voice enhancement, femme etiquette skills, perfecting mannerisms...God, I'm so damn lost. Remember that old Army-recruitment commercial where they mentioned "we accomplish more before breakfast than most people do all day"? Trust me - they weren't comparing themselves to new-born trannies. Must admit I miss the more simplistic approach to presentation I unknowingly enjoyed as a male.
Here's an interesting observation: the prettier you get - and that's minimal on my part - the more closely examined & scrutinized you become. Thus, the further you get - the further you have to go. Murphy's law for trannies, I suppose.
The key to my three & out strategy for 2004? Controlling my damn obsessive compulsive behavior. No new projects - stay focused on the balanced achievement of these core goals. Sound easy? Yeah, for normal people. Us weirdo's get challenged comprehending the simple stuff.
Complete three - and then we'll see. Sounds like good advice. Hopefully, I'll take it.
letting go of fear 11-06-03
Know what I find challenging? Overcoming fear. Familiar with that emotion? It's tiring - certainly wasteful, yet a new component of my reality.
Barely recall what it felt like to not be considered different. Suppose friends always considered me edgy - but now, I'm decidedly over the top. When you're different and not wholly accepted - tend to face a cadre of reflective paradoxes. So excited...but so scared. Energetic - yet exhausted. Talented, yet equally often - a total fuck up. See progress in every facet of my new life. Same time? Aware of how each improvement could be easily negated.
Used to fight back each of my fears with solid planning. "Transition" - sent that foundation the way of the Do-Do bird. Often find myself in a state of motionless - from fear. Never met a tranny that didn't deal with immobility from fear at some point in transition. I'm no exception - could even be considered a leader in this regard - get scared shitless.
Might sound silly - but I wasn't born with a good understanding of fear. Arrogance evolves from most white, Anglo-Saxon, protestant American males in this country. I was no exception. They're members of an exclusive club of opportunity - knowing, even feeling deserved, of success. Few appreciate that elite status as membership required no rites of passage. Thus, they're the worst when it comes to appreciating the needs & skills of a minority. I once belonged to "the club" but now - my constitutional opportunity is fogged by prejudice. Thus, when I consider my cloudy future - I get afraid.
Seem to be doing better in this regard. How? Accepting that being afraid is okay. Takes courage to embrace fear as part of one's life. Since I'm not overly courageous - I've come to just learn to live with uncertainty and the fear associated with insecurity by simply focusing on each day - one day at a time. It really helps me to do that - totally against my nature. Alas, guess I'm changing. Why is that what most people inherently know - I'm just learning? My fate seems mired in my own mediocrity.
On a lighter note - just returned from a trip out west & I'm kinda' groggy - heading to bed shortly as I hop back on the road in the AM. Traveling constantly while I remain focused in the present. Last minute schedule changes had me spending Halloween in Portland, Oregon - froze my ass off but enjoyed a memorable evening thanks to the company of a co-worker, her boyfriend...& way too much alcohol. Sadly, got no pictures - but it was fun doing "DRAG" and standing about 7' tall with mega-hair & heels, again. Forgot how much I miss the view "up there" - in 6" spikes. It's a bitch being 5'9 in crowded bars. Returned home drunk and called my sweetie at 5:00AM EST - which I just know he appreciated. You've no idea how tiring it can be to love me. To say I'm high maintenance when it comes to a need to babble - is to miss the point. I'm blessed - by Mr. Goodwrench. *Smile*
Bed time for bonzo -Ciao!
finding "me" 08-17-03
"Who am I?"
"Where am I going"?
Ever ask yourself those questions? Yeah - guess we all do. Know what? Don't think those equations changed quickly or often during most of my life. But - feel them shifting these days. Driving me nuts.
Noticing changes in my desires...plus the motivations supporting those desires, and thus - my dreams. An example? Convinced a portion of this "I need someone special" runs deeper than desire. A new and natural craving to care for another is profound. Convinced it's a much larger paradigm shift - rooted in the continued change from loins that produce testosterone to a body pumped full of estrogen.
Keep revisiting certain projects - making sure - they're "what I want". Truncated a few - good stuff. Alas, just no heart or stomach for them. Some associates are convinced I've totally lost it - walking away from certain success for less opportunistic and riskier endeavors. Keep trusting my heart - I'm not out to "take over the world". (No pun intended...*Laugh*) Rather - just trying to be "me". The problem? Me - keeps changing. Feel like I'm playing darts on a schooner in a hurricane. Holding decisions - where I can. But...D-Day is on the horizon - fuck.
One big issue? Most of my new business projects thrust me into a public persona - at a time - when I'm increasingly concerned over privacy. Been public property much of my life - sick of others being wrapped up in my affairs. These endeavors are grand because they're wrapped up in sectors that require a degree of notoriety to achieve success. Wanting the success...without the accolades. Searching...for a way to make that happen. Feel myself hesitating...not ideal when it comes to business opportunities where timing is everything. Continue to evaluate going "stealth" as part of this process. Understand why others do that - transsexuality confuses the hell out of most everything worthwhile in my life. A problem with that? Never known a secret that could be kept - particularly about a somewhat public persona. Whatever...gotta' resolve this issue...soon.
"On a better note?"
Special person in my life - "Hey, sexy" - *grin* & ((hugs))) Yeah, he reads my journal thus I'll probably develop a natural editorial nature to certain comments. Makes me smile - at a soulful level. He's incredibly unique - never known another like him. Trying not to lose balance - letting this happen versus "making" it happen. Naturally - he doesn't reside nearby...God forbid that would ever happen. Regardless - it's a blessing. Embracing the beauty of what we have, trying to accept what we don't - and continuing to dream of what might be. One of the best parts? Enjoy "love songs" again versus crying over the damn things. That works...
Welp - that's about all that's worth telling. Hope everyone is well.
lost between love & acceptance... 07-09-03
Lots to learn in my new "roles" - much to enjoy, as well.
Recently found myself mired in that classic femme paradox...remaining aware of the monumental difference between appearing "pretty" - and being beautiful.
With all my preparations, personal efforts - even financial investments into my "appearance" - I lost my ability to distinguish between appearing "pretty" and being "beautiful". In fairness, "transition" aggravates one's ability to maintain distinction amongst these words.
Why's it so hard? We reside in a society that teaches genetic females that being "pretty" is what being female - is all about. They're both directly & subliminally reminded..."If you're pretty?" You'll be loved.
For a transsexual? It's even worse. Since we're challenged by the process of gender unification - we must first win the battle of being tolerated for "who we are"...never mind that longing to be loved. We must be prettier - more feminine - to "fit in". We get that added dimension..."If we're pretty?" We'll be accepted.
And this prerequisite is not just a condition of society in general - the transgender "community" is even worse. Most tranny's select friends and judge gals almost exclusively by their feminine presentation. Thus, new gals are reminded from the get go - get "pretty" - or get lost.
I pretty much steered clear of these shenanigans early on - but as I became mired in surgical "adjustments" to effect my changes - found myself qualifying my beauty as a human being based upon my appearance. Every time I looked in the mirror - all I could see was what wasn't pretty. Felt ugly...no matter what I "saw".
Thus, somewhere in the middle of wanting to be loved & hoping to be accepted - I lost sight of the fact that appearing "pretty" has little or nothing to do with my beauty as a human being. My situation was aggravated by isolation & a lack of family - nobody was around to remind me I was a beautiful person - and that mattered most. Thus, I became "ugly" in my actions & focus.
I remain committed to becoming prettier & more skilled in my feminine appearance & presentation. I'll celebrate my progress in this regard. But I'll do my best to remember - my beauty is judged by how I affect myself and this world in a positive & caring manner. In other words...how well I "love".
Wish I could take credit for this beautiful "insight" - but the accolade belongs to another.
While recently visiting Atlanta and scouring about my belongings buried in storage - located a favorite photo of my deceased mother. That woman defined what being "beautiful" as a person - was all about. Having her "near me" once again - reestablished my bearings on beauty.
"Thanks, mom." Sorry I forgot this most basic tenant of life, living - and "being" a beautiful woman. It's hard at times...being ugly, yet trying to remain beautiful...ya know?
I really miss you. Please hug everybody up "there" for me. I'll see ya'll before too long - just not quite yet. Sadly, got lots more work to do on "being" beautiful - so that I can eventually...get a decent pair of those "wings".
walking with body armor 06-02-03
Invested the weekend in once again "doin' a make-over" of my future plans & dreams. Not sure if there's any sort of award available for those that do this more than any other human? If there "is" - I'm a lock. *Laugh*
Last week was tough - much changed in certain aspects of my plans. "No", I take that back. Little changed - but...certain timetables got altered...again - damnit! Now realizing - or perhaps "accepting" that try as I may...I'm forced to walk to my future.
"Walk to my future?" You got it. In my past - I followed a standard approach of ready...set - "go". You know...prepare, plan, organize, finance - launch - and then run...like the wind. Sadly, "running" doesn't seem to be a healthy option for a transsexual female. Regardless of the quality of our plans & dreams - we're usually forced to "walk".
Why must we "walk"? Lots of reasons - not the least of which it's challenging to swiftly advance when you're "different". However, it's also a bit dangerous to do so, as well. When we run - we move ahead, quickly. While we're not necessarily an easy target to hit during rapid movement - we do become isolated, separated from "the pack". Stop for a breather? You're alone amongst "normal people". Trust me, they don't want "us" there - and no escape routes are usually nearby after such rapid advancement. It's like those NASCAR races...you gotta' draft with the other drivers...work your way to the front, methodically. Fall out line? You oft end waaaayyyy back in the pack after only a matter of seconds.
Of course - I'm learning all "this" the hard way...standard "Renee" protocol. *Laugh* God, I'm such an idiot at times. Why can't I learn the easy way? The culprit is usually my arrogance. Feel I'm driving a stronger "car" than some - keep thinking I can "race" my way into the lead. Keep forgetting - this is a very long race. Rookie mistakes? Yeah, whatever - I'm the Queen of Royal F***-up's.
I'm aware I "scare" some of you when I crash & burn - flirting with death during my pursuits. Know this...I'm like "a roach" - damn near impossible to kill. *Laugh* Often wish I was from the lovely caterpillar / butterfly evolutionary genre. But - anyone that knows me, "knows"...I'm a little rough around the edges and more likely to try & plow my way through an obstacle rather than dance around it. Alas, we are - what we are... ((hugs))
Additionally...I'm rediscovering that age old axiom - for every action in this universe - there's an equal, opposite "reaction". Finding that as I take on more new & exciting projects - I'm enduring increased levels of pain from interaction with the general public. Thus, I require stronger "body armor" - increased levels of loving care & attention from my friends - healing, if you will. Realizing - I just can't have too much loving body armor. Enough loving care? I can endure any comment, all hurts - every pain. Not enough? I get severely injured - and require emotional hospitalization. The challenge? I need more & better friends. However, they it takes time to develop and cultivate these loving associations. It's also hard at times to distinguish those with ulterior motives. Certainly causes one to gain a new appreciation for those seemed assholes that just walk up and grab your ass...least you're sure of their "agenda". *Laugh*
Thus, I double my timetables..."walk" versus run - cultivate & wear more body armor...and once again chase my dreams
It's Monday...time to start the engines!
dependent variables 05-15-03
Had a minor panic attack yesterday. One too many petty changes in schedules & finance equated to a need for a total redraft of my quarterly schedules & action plans. My timetable is chocked full of dependent variables - driving me f***ing nuts. Projects I must finish as "him" - surgical timetables, travel & recovery times - and preparations to launch my new company as a transsexual female. Never mind my personal life. This is 'gonna be one crazy f***ing year.
Thinking I'll just go into total "vanish" mode from the TG community. Biggest reason "why"? Nobody really wants to hear about my present activities - depresses them, which in turn...depresses "me". I'm living "the" dream - able to do it "right" - possibly going to succeed...like no tranny before. I'm sympathetic - wouldn't want to hear it either if I was waiting or "stuck". Likewise, ego's are as fragile as St Louis crystal stems. Not pointing fingers on that issue - "mine" is, as well...nasty byproduct of living so damn differently. Still - few recognize how hard I worked to get things "here" & the personal prices I paid in doing so. I'm so over the drama of this "community". Don't want it - and I sure as hell don't need it. I'm sure I'm being childish - but like I said - I'm very "fragile" as well at this point.
Totally excited about the reception I'm getting for my books & new enterprise. It's the "one" area ahead of schedule. Actually forced to slow certain opportunities down just a bit. Why? I refuse to officially start until I "look" the way I want. That means...all surgical enhancements completed, swelling 100% gone, etc. etc. etc. Biggest challenge to my present schedule continues to be travel & recovery times following surgeries. Hard to "take off" for such extended periods and keep everything "else" on schedule. Still get body-slammed with bigotry each & every day. Try as I may - realizing corporate America will never embrace this in my lifetime. Enough profit potential - they'll endure it...but nobody "likes" it...whatever. Remaining numb to "the comments" - but sometimes wonder if they'll end up scarring my life in the future. Keep thinking - if I eventually find that "one person" just right, for me - all these scars won't hurt anymore. Cinder-f***ing-rella syndrome - guess that means I'm "female", after all.
A lot of you asked exactly "what" I'm doing to change my appearance. Know what? It's easier to discuss what I'm "not" doing. *Laugh* Actually - the one thing I'm "not" doing that I really hoped? A chin reduction. Sadly, just couldn't fit it in. Hope to...in 2004. Most of my "work" will be done in Brazil. Using one of the world's best surgeon's - and lucky enough to have friends to help me with all the language & logistical issues. I'm doing so many things - but I remain most "excited" by the cheekbone implants & porcelain laminates on my teeth. Go figure - guess I'm just "sensitive" about those features.
My wardrobe continues to be a big investment and "project". However, that's not just about my desire to dress stylishly. I'm trying to start a fashion-related enterprise in concert with my books. Would be lying if I said I don't relish adorning a lot of these outfits. The components are runway quality - and the unique styles? They're my own. Seem to appreciate the "crutch" afforded by wearing such ensembles in public settings. Got "stopped" three times with a "where did you get that outfit?" at Lenox Mall recently while wearing one of my better creations...made my millennium. *Smile*
So very much can still go deadly wrong with my plans, times tables - my dreams. Thus...I wrap this up - and get ready to "toil" - like the hard-nosed bitch - that I am.
fear & loathing 05-08-03
Hate to beleaguer the point but 'gotta say this again - these "new" hormones are f***ing awesome! Feel 1000% better - more energetic, little or no depression, focused. Killer - thank you, thank you, thank you - Dr. Teal. Changed my life! ((hugs))
Woke up extra early this AM - "accidentally" fell asleep around 9:00PM. Thus, wide awake at 2:45AM. Invested the time wisely - reaffirming, filling holes - in my present life & transition plans. Less fearful - needed "that". One issue that haunts me? This crazy world - terrorism, imperialism - and now "SARS". One of my chess partners is a leader in SARS research at the CDC - scared the living shit out of me the other night with more details than a layperson needs to know. Probably "did it" - to distract my game. As if it mattered - I never beat her, bitch! ((hugs))
My greatest fear? I'll be a full-time TS with no place to safely "land" - if I crash & burn. My subsequent income & growth opportunities will be majorly limited. Thus, a re-start would be extremely challenging. Organized an exciting new venture consistent with my interests & lifestyle. Everything looks good - almost too good. But what if a major terrorist strike occurs congruent with my launch? Can I survive? Trust me - have entrepreneurial friends that happened to. If I fail - how far will I fall? I go crazy considering these issues. Designed a fair number of contingencies and safety nets. Just afraid I won't be able to recover if I'm "swatted" too hard. Know what I mean? Darleen got me through it yesterday - told me I'd always have a "home" with her. I needed that - thanks baby! **kiss**
Know I'm being anal - my nature. Although transition of my appearance & gender is a huge project - I'm most concerned with the subsequent quality of my transitioned "life". Make sense? We oft get screwed out of a decent "life" - post transition. I refuse to accept that victim status, damnit. It's not right.
My new "home/bedroom" is hilarious. More "closet" - than sleeping quarters. Used some old "show" wigs to decorate - kinda' looks like a sorority girl's dorm room - eaten by a DRAG queen. *Grin* Feels like I'm going "back to college" - no exclusive art & antiques adorning the premises - just "me" - with my plans, dreams, CPU - and of course - them clothes. *Grin* Simplicity - that's my mantra, my ally.
Accepting my "non-relationship" status, know it's healthy. I'm too young in "tranny years" to comprehend true love & loving. Still totally insecure. Know the root cause - just can't seem to steer clear of its ugly byproducts. Working on it - in my "personal" journal. Limited progress - it's what put me to sleep so early as I scribed away in bed last night.
Do plan to take on a steady lover - for sheer physical pleasure. No cling, no "ring" - just physical & intimate compatibility. Just 'gotta find 'em...in "Nashville, TN" - God forbid. *Laugh* I can see it now..."Hey Billy Bob - ever had a chick with her own tobacco stick"? *Laugh* At least my sense of humor is returning. Can't laugh at myself? Everybody else will surely beat me to the punch.
"Transition" - what a word.
for love of consequences 04-16-03
Do you know one of the most challenging aspects of my life?
Deciding..."what's of consequence".
What's that so tough about this? It's always "changing" - as priorities adjust through my life & living. Know what I mean? And "transition" - that somewhat major alteration of one's gender to its appropriate mode - causes a massive shift in areas considered of "consequence".
Basic examples? As a "male" - I was much more rooted in "controlling" my destiny. Now - I relish the process of exploring my providence. I was concerned with leaving a lasting impression on others - I sought and achieved some "fame". Today - I care that my effect is tender - and that my legend is "love". The list is endless...and chocked full on "inconsistencies" I'll forever be sorting out.
I find myself constantly reevaluating my priorities as my life "changes" with my gender. That's hard. I'm down to "a list" - where any further change of priority creates further "consequences" - most of which I don't find highly appealing. I'm forced to include the "completion" of gender unification as my highest priority. So many future dreams & goals are in flux until this project is "complete". I'm way past "conditionalizing" my happiness on the success of this transition. I know that "trap" - I'm not going there. But - I am "stuck" with this highest priority remaining balanced against my other aims - those goals...that will seriously affect my future life - as a transsexual woman. It's maddening at times - and only "God" could've had the fucking "sense of humor" to require the added emotional nightmares caused by HRT - to this already ridiculously complex "project".
"What's of consequence" - and what's the consequences of changing priorities amongst "what's of consequence"? I wish I knew the right answers for "me". Had someone tell me the other day "being true to myself" - was all that really mattered. That's great - but when you reside in a world that considers your truth "freakish" - it's no cakewalk. I'm sure I'll more fully appreciate my veracity on my deathbed - but it would be nice to enjoy a bit more pleasure from this authentic way of life - while I'm still "awake".
Maybe "God' wasn't trying to be funny at all. Perhaps he's gifting me - by way of a very small "pill" - to understand that the answers to consequence priority - are always found...in the deepest emotions - of my heart.
Don't know exactly "why" - but awoke this AM with more than my share of "fear".
Think it's because I feel so alone. It's like...there's a ton of people in my life - but there's nobody really "in" my life. Ever awaken - and so very much want to be "held"...have another tell you it'll "all be ok"...but there's no one "there"? It sucks. Mornings like this are when I most yearn for my mother - never felt this alone until after she died.
A think much of my fear is rooted in a strange battle between my "mind" - and my heart. My heart knows me...guides me. However, try as it may - my "mind" - never seems to accept that my "transition" isn't a decision - but an inevitable outcome to a condition. My cranium continues to hold me accountable for every mistake - every shortcoming - caused by my transsexualism. Let's face it - transition poses a lot of "set backs".
Was supposed to get a "cosmetic" thing done tomorrow. Called yesterday to affirm the schedule...was told it's delayed - due to a problem with my "blood work". Oh, that was lovely to "hear". Tried in vain to track down my doctor - get to the root of this issue, no avail. Now I'm afraid to talk with him.
I think - it's for moments like these that ((hugs)) were invented. I miss being intimately "held" - without being groped. Can't recall the last time that happened.
Come on...I can't afford to be "lost" today. I know what I must "do". Gotta reaffirm my goals, check those schedules, review the details - in other words...garner courage from a belief that my "plans" are more sound than I am at this particular moment. The right music usually helps, as well.
Time to hit it...
the journey "begins" 04-02-03
Okie Dokie...looks like my "plans" are pretty much in place. Kept most my cards pretty close to my chest (needed the extra volume - *Laugh*) as I worked through final issues. People get "wrapped up" in my business - didn't feel comfy sharing this until I better understood my final details & timetables.
Off I go...
Home - It's official. I'm moving...to Nashville, Tennessee. Bet none of you figured that one, huh? *Laugh* Been in Atlanta fifteen years - need some fresh surroundings. This won't become my permanent residence. In fact, I'm only "taking" the essentials (CPU, work projects - and lots & lots of clothes. *Smile*) My art & antique collections, magic show illusions, and my boxes & boxes & boxes of personal "stuff" - will remain at secure storage in Atlanta.
I'm "moving in" with one of my oldest friends - "John" - been best friends since first grade. I sought a temporary residence where I'd be loved & accepted as I begin my quest in earnest for my new identity (female) and my new career (writing). Likewise, I need a reliable companion following certain cosmetic surgery procedures. He's 1000% "straight" - yet very comfy with "me"...we're way past any issues with my / his "sexuality".
How will "Nashville" - do, with me. *Laugh* It won't be a big deal. I'm now subdued in my attire & personal presentation. Going there - to finish my first two books, transition further & collect myself, a bit. Absolutely no intention of becoming involved in local transgender, gay or DRAG activities - even night life. In Atlanta - I'm him - and "the queen". Nashville? I'll pretty much just be "Renee" - as I try to blend as a somewhat run-of-the-mill "female". My goal with this "move" is simple - to gain comfort living full-time as a female in a supportive environment without so many distraction from prior associations.
Where will I eventually end up? Don't have a clue, yet. "Evaluated" so many areas - south Florida, New York City, Portland, Oregon, San Diego, Los Angeles, San Francisco, even Costa Rica... Where I'll finally "go" will be somewhat dependent upon the success of my first two books and/or any new loving relationships that feel most appropriate. Got a pair of extended work/product development trips on the horizon in San Diego & Portland. I intend to "try on" both those cities a bit, during those work efforts.
Transgender Activities - I'm reaching a point where I need to back off my involvement in the transgender community. Simply stated - I'm overwhelmed, with my own life. Already started this reduction - and will continue to be less "involved". With all due respect - I think I've done my "fair share". Likewise, I'm excited to witness so many new & vibrant faces taking leadership roles in our growing community. I'll maintain this web site & occasionally attend functions. Beyond that - I'll remain focused on my personal goals, and my life.
Career - Now wrapping up my product development projects and the sale of remaining business interests. Once all is "paid off" & so am I - should be in "decent" financial condition. Coming along well with both my new books. One's a unique cleaning "tips" book based upon my experiences as a professional dry cleaner. The other? A novel - culminating three years of writing effort. Both were well received during preliminary analysis. No delusions of any New York Times "best sellers" - but I do anticipate they'll enjoy a lucrative launch in 2004. Naturally, as soon as either is available - I'll add a link here...and pitch each of you to buy a copy. *Grin*
One caveat - where I'm not budging - I've no intention of "hiding" my transsexuality from the world. I hope to play some minor role improving the evolution of transgender acceptance - as an openly transsexual author amongst mainstream readership. That decision already cost me the support of one of America's most noted publishers. God...I do so hope my books do well. No revenge is so sweet - as great success.
Another goal of my new career is to remain highly flexible in terms of where I might eventually "reside" in the future. "Writing" certainly supports such freedom - as does a small "on-line" fashion related business I'm considering launching.
Performing - I'm in semi-retirement from DRAG performances. That won't last forever. However, two conditions will keep me off the stage for a good while. One, I'll likely be a bit bruised following certain cosmetic surgeries. Can't imagine that being appealing - even from a distance. Two, my act isn't designed for "quick" performances. For those that aren't aware, my DRAG show is fairly unique - including large magical illusion combined with traditional lip sync + audience interactive "stand up" magic (i.e. saw an audience member in half, etc.) A unique byproduct of this "angle" - is I enjoyed success amongst non-DRAG venues. The problem? I can't just "jump in" and do this anywhere - takes a full day just to "set up" the larger illusions illusions for a single show. I'm not remotely interested in re-entering traditional DRAG venues with the usual "stuff". Been there - done that.
I'll wait - until I decide where I'm residing for "keeps" - then try & develop a location ideally suited for a monthly performance of "DRAmaGica".
Transition - Already spending progressively more time as a "female" - gaining confidence in that regard. Likewise, I'm almost exclusively socializing at "straight" venues. This - is for my "own" good...not because I'm suddenly turning my back on the gay/transgender community. I love being "gay" - and am very proud to be a transsexual. *Smile* Rather, I need the experience - of everyday female "life". I first underestimated the stress & turmoil of transition. I accounted for this - in my present plans. Moving to Nashville will afford me increased freedom & less stress in learning to live 24/7 - as a woman.
Getting ready to implement a number of investments to enhance my feminine presentation. One, I'm assembling a first-rate femme wardrobe. I'm a sucker for glamour & relish fashion. I take a lot of pride in my related appearance - even my simplest ensembles include my signature "style". Two, I'm getting my "smile" enhanced - with porcelain laminates and a lip "lift". I adore smiling. Will enjoy that even more - with a lovely set of bright whites & more feminine lips. Finally, I'm adding augmentation to my breasts & hips. Since I'm rather slender - can't imagine myself with anything "oversized" in these departments. Besides, I've already acquired so many killer clothes in my present "size" - hate the idea of buying them "again" - unless of course, someone else plans to "foot the bill". *Laugh*
My Future - Several key objectives serve as the foundation for my future "dreams".
One - I'll find & select the ideal city in which to "reside". Let's face it - I'm a "city girl" - and would be most comfortable situated amongst a thriving "gayborhood" with an artsy flair. I envision residing in such an area - perhaps in a decent-sized "town home / brownstone" - that's within walking distance of many enjoyable spots for minor shopping, lounge and fellowship. I already "own" a fairly stunning array of antiques and art - and look forward to situating them in a new domicile once I decide on the right city - for me. Can you say very "gay" decorator? *Laugh*
Two - I intend to follow up the "overwhelming" success of my first two books - with much more writings. *Laugh* Actually, I'd settle - for just enough income to augment my existing resources and enjoy a fairly comfortable lifestyle. A winning lottery ticket would suffice, as well. *Grin* Seriously, "writing" is about much more than money. It resolves my need for self-expression - an essential component of me. Only tricky part? It isolates, by nature - thus, its crucial I remain close to friends & loved ones during my daily activities to balance this feature. I'm a highly social creature but also obsessive compulsive. Gotta protect myself - from me.
Three - I'll successfully complete the transition my gender. I'm committed to "appearing" pretty, as a woman, and beautiful - as a person. This means lots of continued effort improving both my mind - and body. Therapy? Sure. Still, I keep discovering that close friends and special people are the best reminders of real beauty.
Four - I love performing, and intend to make it a small part of my regular routine in the years ahead - albeit for "fun" - not as a lucrative career vista. Already designed a couple of new illusion including a breathtaking multi-gender "switch before your eyes" - that will I'm certain become a mainstay in my new show.
Finally - and perhaps most importantly - I'm committed to finding an ideal "match" for me. I respect the low likelihood of that - given my high standards & unique lifestyle. Still - I like to think, I'm unique - even special. I believe there's another such person situated on this globe that I'd consider most extraordinary & we'd dearly love one another for both "what" & who" we are. I recognize I can't "timetable" this goal - but I'll certainly be "looking". *Smile*
That's the goals - a lovely transsexual woman, a beautiful person, a killer home, an occasional magic show, a successful career as an author - and a loving & committed relationship.
Oh well, guess it would've been much simpler to just mention from the onset...
...I want it all. *Laugh*
Seriously...thank you...to "everyone" - for your loving support as I've made my way along this journey. Your positive comments & good care - guided my soul through many dark shadows. Please include me in your thoughts as I now begin this final leg - towards "all" of me.
You'll remain in my prayers...forever. **kiss**
i think i can...i think i can... 03/17/03
Guess what? I now - think I can.
For a long time - too long - I doubted my ability to successfully transition gender. No biggie to do it - but "successfully"...with a rich & full life? I dunno - I remained bewildered based upon what I'd witnessed in so many others.
I'm now gaining more confidence in my dream. No one event, supports this enriched belief - rather, it's caused by lots of things. A reduction in the scope of certain goals? That - definitely played a role. I admit it - a lot of my initial aspirations were pretty "ego-driven". We all know there's no room for an enlarged ego - in a happy soul. Sooooo - it took me longer to realize "that" than some of you enlightened types...fine - whatever! *Laugh* What can I say? I needed extra time to weed out those false visions from my growing seeds of contentment.
"Contentment" - that's definitely a key word in my present vocabulary. Giving thanks - for all those gifts in my life - versus fretting over pastures situated on the far side of distant fences. That's a crucial habit for bliss. Sure - I've still got dreams. Some are lofty. Certainly my obsession with achieving certain criteria in my appearances as a female - in mind, body, career, style and fashion - complicates matters. What I'm doing isn't right for every tranny - but it seems ideal for me. Still, I'm happier - with the life I'm living today - even accepting certain imperfections - albeit, begrudgingly. *Laugh*.
I most certainly underestimated the time I'd need to accomplish "transition" itself. Never mind the days on end consumed by counseling, electrolysis, doctor's visits, surgical evaluations...my couture fashion IQ alone - consumed months - and I'd say I still only rank about three points beyond "idiot" level. Just the time required to buy these fashionable items - affordably - in "my" size is ridiculous. And we haven't even talked about the "errors - discovering the hard way which styles and colors are not ideally suited for moi...
Transition is also costing more than I first estimated. The big stuff? That was easy to calculate. It's the little things - that annihilate the budget. For instance - lost time for "recovery" from various cosmetic surgical procedures. Who pays me, then? Who "pays" for the days on end invested in improving simple feminine skills that "regular" gals developed as teens? You guessed it - nobody. I'm not bitching - I'm just getting a better handle on "reality". Make sense?
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't "afraid". What sort of life will I be leading? Where will I end up living? Will I develop a loving relationship with a person I find highly appealing? Will I remain happy in a life forever mired by abnormality? Will I ever find congruence in all of this? I cry myself to sleep with such fears now & then.
Know what gets me through these fear-filled moments? That most regal of "male" traits - honor. Simply stated - I owe a debt - to honor a person that gifted me with the conviction to remain true to thyself - no matter what the cost or expense. That person - was my mother. Amazing, really. She never really asked anything "else" - of me.
Anyway...it's all gelling now. For the first time, I'm staying on "schedule". My work, my career goals - as a transsexual woman - they're coming together. Sure, things could be better - but "enough" - that seems just as good, as a feast.
So - I most certainly...think, I can. *Smile*
And on the personal front...
Had a lovely dinner at Magginano's with Tawny, et. al. - on Friday. Thanks, girlfriend - it was delicious. ((hugs)) BTW - I was really impressed by the fact you didn't finish that monster-sized plate & took a doggy bag home (never mind the fact you dusted it off before sunrise...Miss pig! *Laugh* We headed to Beluga for drinks & a spot of entertainment afterwards. Had a nice time. I ended up stopping by Backstreet when we called it a night - just wasn't sleepy. Camped on my fave stool near the entrance for over an hour - just people watching & blowing off drunken idiots. Waited for the rain to die down then stopped off at KK for my "two donut" quota. Slept like a baby...
"Worked" most of Saturday + chatted on the phone all day (and night) with friends. Thanks for that call Anj - really needed to "hear" everything was cool. ((hugs))
Sorted on my wardrobe all day Sunday + screwed with choreography for a new magical illusion number for my show. Still trying to figure out how in the f*** I'm gonna reduce myself to one room of contents. No art, no antiques, very little "stuff" - and I'm still significantly over my space allotment. Yeah - so I've got issues...duh! *Laugh* Gonna kick off my "spring closet cleaning" ebay sale in two-three weeks. Mostly old "club clothes", hair, etc + a few high fashion pieces that didn't "fit".
Big week - hope yours goes great!
reality revisited - 02-18-03
Was very busy yesterday - travel...meetings...but I found myself always contemplating those issues discussed in my 2/16/03 entry. (next entry)
Feeling better...more time...causes certain things to "make more sense".
Deductions? Here's mine...
1. I need "help" vis-à-vis guilt I carry about what I haven't accomplished during my life. I take myself far too seriously. Duh!! I'm framing issues I face in this regard for my therapist to help "walk me through". Thought a good deal about this - realized the root cause is a double-edged sword. First, I lost many I love to "death". Try as I may not to, I feel guilty about "being alive". I trick myself into believing if I do something "very important" - I won't feel guilty anymore. Silence of the Lambs, reborn? When relaxed - I understand life's most essential mission - be happy - and love those special people in your world very well.
The other edge of the "blade" - is how much was expected of me earlier in life. I was & am "gifted". I can't seem to let go of "guilt" - for not using those gifts most fully - when I witness others in need. Both these issues are complicated - and I'll require a professional to help me resolve them.
2. I want a loving relationship. I know "that" - now. You're not supposed to be "my age" - and be alone. In fact, being alone - is against my nature. What my relationship / break-up with "Mr. Man" showed me...was how much I really "want" this. It'll be hard...I'm picky. "Perhaps better stated?" I know myself well - and I'm aware when something won't "work". Likewise, I rarely "settle" for anything less than what I know is "right. It's also challenging - because my role switched to care-giver - I'm still learning "that" role. Make sense? Of course - my transsexualism makes it nearly impossible to find an ideal match given my parameters. Still...I want it. I know there's a perfect match for me. Thus, I believe - love, will find a way...
3. I'm a "writer" - this is what I love doing. So what's the problem? I'm not a "gifted" writer - I'm a brilliant chemist & capable entrepreneur. Try as I may - I no longer give a hoot in hell for "Molecules" or "Managing for Results". This shouldn't be an issue - I'm in decent financial condition - can "do ok" - with only moderate income from "writing". But there's those guilt issues...from issue No. 1, "above". See a homeless person? I feel guilty, even angry - at "myself".
In summary - I must recognize I'm not responsible for solving the world's problems, I must get past this guilt of "living", and I must somehow get past this notion of personal optimization being a requirement of the "living". Am I thinking that if I find that "someone special" - I'll more fully appreciate the life "in front of me". Or is that - simply a change in global positioning for an obsessive compulsive vector?
"Good questions" - no good answers. Guess that's what makes up the preponderance of "living", huh?
"Come on, Renee" - you can do this!
reality check - 02-16-03
I sometimes hate reality...
Know what I mean? Those days - when the roses can't seem to cover all that glare pounding upon your glasses. Today, this week - I had a little too much "reality". It hurt.
Can I really do this? Can I become a significant success - as a transsexual woman? After weeks like this - I lose confidence. Chatted with Darleen a couple of times - expressed my frustration. That helped. Dar's the closest thing I have to a "big sister" - although on more than one instance, she loved me like a mother. She's so special. I don't recall life without "her" in it.
Also talked with my new friend Anjela. This - is an adorable gal. If Darleen is decidedly my "big" sister - Anjela is quickly becoming my fave "little sister". Young, beautiful, vibrant, openly gay - & adores DRAG Queens & Tranny's. Pretty cool, huh? Her Christian upbringing yields an uncommonly depth-filled appreciation for "the gift of love". Her lifestyle - opened her eyes to the blessings of acceptance. Thus, you can imagine how openly loving this little angel is. Her youthful exuberance is a blessing - to me. I promised I'd help find the "Queen of her Dreams" - but I'm already starting to feel so protective - I'm afraid I'll never think any bitch is good enough for my little girl. *Laugh* She lives in San Diego, hangs out at "Lips"...and is dear friends with that club's manager Tootie, an absolutely lovely transsexual whose also sort of adopted Miss Anjela.
Ok...time to face my "reality". It's high time I visited some "Renee Reality". You know...a reality "check-up"...see if I can't come up with fresh prescriptions for success & happiness. Need to do something - what I'm doing now...it ain't exactly workin'. Wrote on this all AM - hard being honest with myself - admitting those fears, weaknesses...looking for the inconsistencies.
1. My "dating" life needs a makeover. Simply stated - I can't sustain a healthy dating "life". I try - I really do. Reality? I was a challenging match - without "this". Now - I'll likely never find a "soul mate" - just for me. Know what? I'm "ok" with that - I really am. I embraced the concept of "friends" - being my primary source for emotional loving, support & affection. My bestest girlfriend Darleen taught me that - it's really helped. Still...I can't even maintain a lover I enjoy. Sad, huh? Is this just me??? Did you know I actually slept with someone recently - just so I could wake up in their arms? Know what's even worse? It was worth it. While driving home afterwards - looked at myself from my rear view mirror and stated aloud: "Girl, you've got some serious issues". Know what else? I do.
Solution? Wish it wasn't the case - but I'm feeling a need to "date" someone. "Is that so wrong?" Wish I knew. Guess I should study "why" that is with my therapist - but I'm not 1000% certain I want to know "why". Could be I'm fully committed to beginning my dreams in earnest - not wanting to travel these roads "alone". Just not sure...
I invested a great deal of myself in a person this past year...received little time & attention - eventually, got dumped. Still hurts - a lot. However, I discovered some "good" things from that experience. One - I know I can love someone. That might sound silly for you more balanced persona's - but somewhere along life's travels...I lost that confidence. It's back. *Smile* Second - and perhaps most importantly - I believe someone can love "me". That's huge - particularly for a street-wise tranny like "moi". A horrid byproduct of living this lifestyle for too many years? I see too much reality. I know which preacher chases whores, which politicians are gay, which Fortune 100 CEO's dress as women, which priests have a drug problem, which movie stars are into tranny's...etc. etc. etc. I see - what Joe Public, never sees - doesn't even want to believe. That - can cause a gal to get pretty cynical regarding the l-o-v-e word. Thanks to "Mr. Man" - I regained my belief in another person's ability to really "love" me. Oh sure - his version of "loving me" wasn't exactly healthy - but I never doubted his sincere affections. Still don't truly have faith someone I find appealing will ever commit to me, forever...this is a pretty messy lifestyle - and I'm a visible target. I suppose I should enjoy where I'm at - versus not. Whatever...
I'm uncertain exactly how to proceed in "this" regard. I'm fairly convinced my classic "straight guy" routine - where I focused - won't work. Most straight men live by a fantasy of that "perfect female" - I'll never be that. Besides - most are so damn boring - I could've slept through half those dates and missed nothing. *Laugh*
I've tried "gay" - they don't want all "this". I'm trying to think "outside the box". Just met a local lesbian whom I hit it off with - same age, both avid art collectors, much more in common. I'm going to try a couple of nights out with her. I've been out with lesbians in the past - but I'd be lying - if I said I was fully open minded, at that time. Likewise - I met a fascinating FTM transsexual recently - I'm definitely looking forward to getting to know him much better. Attractive, intelligent, highly insightful...but why did he have to be a damn Gemini? Gemini-Gemini? They're made to be incredible friends. Maybe that's what I need - for "this"...
Still can't ever see myself with another FTM tranny - just so many glaring "role" conflicts. However - I'm trying and keep my mind open. I ask that of others - guess it's about time I swallowed some of my own medicine, huh?
2. I was "dreaming" in regards to certain career plans - I was a just a tad bit optimistic in certain career assessments. Actually, I was far too rosy. I'm gifted - thus, people "put up" with certain things - because it's profitable. Embrace it? Nope - just not happening. Business accepts transsexual expression when it's profitable to do so. Profit - is always the very basis for success of any commercial enterprise. If I'm remotely distracting to workers, customers, vendors - I'm somewhat unprofitable - a liability. While my gifts are unique & valuable...I'm not stupid enough to overlook my increasing visibility will eventually cause this graph to invert.
Solution? I 'gotta find a sexy new venture I enjoy - that will benefit from my transsexual expression. By sexy - I don't mean "sex-related" - I'm talking "vibrant". I keep getting close to locating this new vision, just can't seem to hit the bull's-eye. It's close though - I sense that, can almost taste its aroma. I know this is my destiny - even my responsibility - to my sisterhood. I'm shorter "today" on liquid resources for a decent corporate launch - of whatever "this" might be...that scares me. I'm horridly fearful of becoming "poor". No family, no fall-backs...guess we've all got some ghosts.
3. I'm learning that fighting too many battles - might cause me to lose the war - I keep losing little battles...getting gals off the streets...finding people jobs...fighting to pry loose adequate funding... I'm also doing too many "other" things. That damn DRAG "play" - my art web site. I feel like a doctor that keeps losing patients. I'm obsessed with improving conditions for the homeless - it's my kryptonite, particularly as that condition relates to transsexuals. These are tough times. The economy is down, the market is shit...nothing is easy to accomplish. Open field running? Hard to realize - in any endeavor.
Solution? I'm not sure what's "right" here. I can't seem to keep other people's challenges at arm's length. I feel their hurt - and I can't ever seem to let that go. Drains my soul - beyond description. Kinda weird - I honestly feel more pain from another's challenge - than I ever do with my own. I must "give" - but I can't give a lot - if I'm always depressed over these "little losses". Perhaps my soul is telling me what's "little" is actually big...and vice-versa? Perhaps I'm supposed to focus on my gift - give accordingly. I just don't know.
I've no solution for this issue.
4. I'm afraid my transition "plan" sucks - Transition? "Honestly?" I'm scared - I'm really scared. I hate admitting that - pisses me off. But...I'm still not 100% convinced I can do this successfully. "Why's that?" First off - I just don't know many people that transitioned "successfully". I know a lot of gals that made a mess of their lives in that process...a few that survived it - albeit happily. I know a much smaller number that sustains a reasonably comfortable life. But a "success"? A flourishing financially liquid existence? An important contributing member of the community at large? That's about as rare as a DRAG Queen at a Ku Klux Klan meeting. Here I am - gearing for a couple of notches beyond "that". Am I that stupid...that arrogant? I'm scared, damnit. Where's my "role model" for this? Where are you, damnit?? Show yourself...I need you.
Second - I'm not convinced my present "age" - is optimal to pull this off. Younger? Definitely best. I'm stuck with the horror of having been prescribed hormones at the ripe age of twenty-three. I passed - wish I hadn't. The gift of youth? Gaining sincere please from less lofty achievements. You know...someday owning a business - versus building one of America's fastest growing enterprises. I miss that innocence - it's a better formula for inner happiness. Older? I like that model. It's sort of something you can "retire" to. Make sense? I'm smack dab in the middle - guess I just feel sorry for myself.
Solution? I'm starting to appreciate "my" transition is unique. The traditional model is to create a transition map - and do it. I'm convinced my success is buried in letting this happen - versus, "making" this happen. Make sense? Don't worry - I still can't get my hands around it either. The toughest part is going "slowly"? The desire to be prettier - appear more feminine - it's damn hard to walk at a measured pace in "that" direction.
I embrace that I simply cannot transition as fast as I'd like - and achieve most the things I hope to - with a high probability of success. I tested these waters at the upper echelons of entrepreneurial America. The results weren't pretty. I 'gotta do this "better" - far better, than the norm. It's like the black man from the 1950's...I 'gotta walk in those rooms with $2,000 Chanel & St John threads - I 'gotta look better than every other bitch in the damn room - my "deal" has to be hotter than every other proposal on the table...'gotta break down this ridiculous invisible door blocking significant transsexual successes...I just can't accomplish that in a day. Fuck!!!!
Then...I step back...ask myself "why" - why not just go "be happy"? I'm more able to do that with ease than some. I can almost feel that sand beneath my toes - hear those relaxing waves rolling in my ears. Sound nice? Trust me - it does to me "too". Then - I witness a homeless person...knowing God gave me gifts that could make a difference - and my guilt, it just won't let me rest. Why me? Why f***ing me???? I wish I was a moron - I envy not "knowing".
Steps to success? First - and this might sound arrogant - I'm almost exclusively hanging around women "doing" what I'm trying to do...versus my transsexual family. Sadly, other tranny's usually "drag" me down (no pun intended) - even cause me to feel better than I should about my present successes. I need to stay most challenged - face the intimidations - frost the senses...take the lumps...hold my own. I'm like a child - with an adult consciousness. It's pretty weird stuff. Thankfully, most these successful business women have been quick to embrace me - that's helped.
Second, I simply must embrace that transition - for me - is a lot more than the evolution of feminine "appearances". A big fat "check" to those plastic surgeons would solve most of "that". My goals run much deeper - 'gotta plant a lot of seeds, cultivate their growth, remain patient - even compassionate. Guess what else? None of that - is very fun at this moment. I'm sure there's a better way...but I just can't find it.
In Summary - Is my life better today than 10 years ago? No - it's not. Am I happier than I was 10 years ago? Nope - just not the case. Is my future brighter now than in the past? Laugh - you're kidding, right? Am I more likely to find a loving partner? Let's not even go there...
The one key difference between then & now? I'm 100% "myself".
It's upsetting - perhaps ridiculous, the cost of being "me" - remains so very high. I'm not "crying" here...not really even "down".
Know what else? There's tears in my eyes at this moment - because I'm so very thankful - for that.
One more thing...
"God"? Please help me...I need more clarity - and much more courage.
my official indoctrination into womanhood - 1-23-03
Had to share this little "experience"...
Generally speaking - genetic and transsexual women don't "compete". Women "battle" other women - tranny's measure themselves against other tranny's. Thus, most of my closest friends are genetic females. We enjoy the intimacy of female companionship without - that feminine competition.
Last week, I attended an upscale function where I pulled out my best threads. My investments into on-line wardrobe acquisitions are impressive by any standards. St John, Chanel, Buchman, Gucci, Gaultier, Fendi, Dior, Versace, Dolce - all the chic fashion "fire power" & accouterments are situated in my closet.
This particular night - I wore a most elite outfit & accessories. Nothing short of the best - except for one small "hole" - which no one would "notice". As I made my way through the crowd I enjoyed admiring glances of my ensemble from both men & women - and gained confidence.
Without warning, this lady whom I'd never met, walks up to me - and honest to God - slowly and methodically goes over "me" with her eyes like a fine tooth comb. I felt like one of those victims from the movie "Scanners". *Laugh* Still, I stood my ground - I "had" it - and I knew it. Then - her eyes "riveted" - and a devilish grin shined from her face.
"Don't you think you should include a real Chanel purse with that outfit?"
I was nailed. That f***ing bitch! *Laugh*. She "had" me, and we both knew it.
Nobody - except the most astute fashion "police officer" could've known my purse wasn't the real deal. It's an excellent "copy" - and was buried amongst authentic garb at every other curve on my body. I meekly returned her "slam" - with somewhat smart-ass remark about how I had to spend too much money surgically changing my body to afford the purse in question. Still - the damage had already been done - I now felt like a cheap imitation. *Laugh* I'd never before endured a head on "fashion attack" from a genetic female. What a bunch of petty bitches...*Grin*
Then - it occurred to me what a huge compliment this actually "was". My first experience - at being a real female's "competition".
"Cool" - I liked that thought.
I subsequently strutted about with more pride than any other "hen" - on the premises. By "trashing" me - my newfound competitor had actually "welcomed" me - to my real goal in life.
"Indoctrination" - by default.
I'll take it... *Laugh*
a question of priority - 11-25-02
Don't you just hate rearranging your prerequisites to manage life's most crucial assets - time & resources?
"Transition" is complicating the living hell out of my already knotty priority plan. There's those "surgeries" - expensive, painful - and needing varying times for "recovery". There's that hassle of "timing" - which work projects get done under "which" persona - when I'm stuck between two genders. There's that hassle - new friends meet you as one gender - will they embrace the next? There's that discrimination - being judged - cutting at financial opportunities at every turn, even threatening my life. There's those "personal projects' - the art collection, the magic show , this web site - all are important, to me. There's that "love" - or in my case - absence thereof...whatever. There's that desire to "hurry". You know - get it all with - over so I can simply "get on" with life and living. There's that wisdom - the experience of knowing that "timing" is everything when it comes to great success. That understanding of "luck" - simply being where "preparation" - meets opportunity.
In case you haven't noticed - I'm "talking to myself" at this moment. Imagine that? *Laugh* I'm wrestling with my "priority plan".
What "issues" are presently confounding me?
1. The needs of the many - versus the one. I sometimes find myself "fantasizing" about trying to find a way to simply "vanish" to a much simpler existence in the years ahead. My present plan? To take on the world as a successful entrepreneurial / transsexual career woman. I know "I'm the one" to cross that chasm. I can do it. However, I also "know" better than most the price I'll pay in that "process". Is it worth it? Will I really make any difference for others afflicted with gender dysphasia in the years ahead? Can I comfortably "live with myself" - if I don't share my gifts with others? Will I succeed - will I fail? I just don't know...
2. The head versus the heart. My "head" tells me to stick closely to my well conceived plans, be patient, be smart, be practical. My "heart" tugs at a more adventurous path - just be the girl of your dreams...the rest - is only life's window dressing. I'm more patient than most people you'll meet in these regards. Many of my work projects require years to evolve from concept to reality. I'm quasi-skilled in the process of methodically arranging prerequisites over the course of a number of years to achieve an extraordinary result over time. Still - I never managed a project so filled with "my" "emotions". I guess I just wish my head & heart would quit f***ing arguing so damn often - their charades are exhausting the rest of "us" living in this organism known as "me".
3. "Why" - I often hate the word "why" - don't you? It tends to challenge even the most compelling plan or opportunity. Know what I mean? Ever tried continually asking the "why" - to a series of questions and responses to yourself? This is always the test for a truth in mathematical theorems. When you get it "right" - you can always answer "why" to any phase of an equation. I find my degree of understanding - is a function of how many levels of "why" I can offer suitable responses. Honestly, I'm not very impressed with my present personal "equation" in this regard.
4. Fear - That word tends to wreck havoc on any "plan". I'll be the first to admit - I'm often scared to death. It's my very nature to tread where other soles rarely stroll. I can't help "what I am". However, the confounding challenges of my transsexual expression cause these already weed infested paths to seem impassable at times. I "cry" more than I ever did before - and I sometimes cry out of "fear". I recognize that besting my fears takes "courage" - and that real courage is not the absence any fear - but an ability to overcome it. I find my courage is heightened by desire and faith. However, those roots get lost as I question "why"...and so the viscous cycle continues.
I'm sure anyone reading this entry is pretty much convinced I'm "insane". Don't feel bad - I agree with that assessment. And so - I begin another day staying focused on a prearranged list of priorities.
It just sucks that I'm only "focused" on item number "3,670" - out of 36,700.
I hate the limits posed by time and resources...
And on a much "lighter" note...
Emma & Rose visited from Cincinnati this past week / weekend. What a cool "couple" they are. I really enjoyed the time we spent together. I also enjoyed some quality time with "Kevin" - a dear friend from Alabama. I'm very proud of his recent accomplishments and growth as a person. I made a number of interesting new acquaintances Saturday night - plus saw a lot of old friends. It's strange - I'm noticing I there's often a much "cooler" crowd - when the outside weather is more chilly. Weird, huh? It's like the summer months bring out all the assholes. Could be due to the fact there's less "students" around - and that related male testosterone-ego crap I encounter in each walkway.
Finally, I danced my ass off late Saturday night. Almost three straight hours of intensive movement. By the time I got home - I could barely walk from my car to front door due to stiffness. "Somebody's" been sitting on her fat ass in front of a CPU screen too much lately.
It was nice to go sweat out a bit of the lard - in that "regard".
living between the lines - 10-31-02
Most everything I'm buried in at present - is going "ok". Additionally, my future - is pretty much laid out to a "T" (no pun intended - *Grin*)
The challenge? How I deal with my evolving gender and appearance changes over the next 12 / 18 months. The impact of HRT, a scheduled face lift, adding silicone to my hips and "behind" - only a few issues I must manage during this horizon. I'm not afraid of "the knife". One gift of my age and average female "looks" - is that I embrace the fact I'll forever endure the surgeon's scalpel. I understand I'll never look as femme or stunning as many Queens I encounter. Still, I'm dedicated to presenting a "look" that's lovely - and perfectly suited to me - and my goals. In reality - these are the "easy" part of the next year+.
My greatest challenge? Most projects I work on - include extended time horizons. How do I deal with which ones get presented as "a transsexual person" - versus my male persona. Tough choices. Always an issue - not matter which gender is represented. It feels like an intense chess game. The movement of even minor pieces - affects both offensive and defensive elements. Simple decisions can become draining endeavors.
I continue to respect the challenge of this "process". My concern is real. I never encountered a transsexual that achieved what I'm "after". Thus - I know my specific goals and comprehensive dreams are not easy to achieve. I gain comfort in believing the path I'll create - however small - might illuminate directions for certain other "girls" in the future.
Finally - I had a fabulous time during my visit to Tampa. I couldn't have enjoyed a more caring or gracious hostess than my dear friend Deborah Allen. Such a lovely lady - I appreciate her friendship more than words could express. She's beautiful - inside & out. I'll include some photos from my trip soon. Lots of special memories.*Smile*
I'm tired. Need sleep.
drum beats - 9-26-02
Do you hear that "sound" in your ears? You know..."that" drum beat - which pounds from your soul and establishes the tempo for your dance - through life.
Yeah, that one.
The sounds from my drum are becoming more vivid. The result? I'm dancing better. Oh sure - I still tangle my feet at some point in just about every song of my life. However, when I "fall" - I don't stay down as long as I did in the past. I'm even learning to laugh at myself more readily when I bust my rump.
"The good tunes?"
I'm confident regarding my future plans - but I'm not cocky. I'm excited about my transitional progress - but not remotely euphoric. I'm concerned about a number of issues I'll face soon - even scared. However, I seem to muster just enough courage to best this trepidation each day. I'm even starting to "believe" I'll someday discover a long term committed relationship with a person ideally suited for "me". I think that confidence is arising from my lack of fear of "falling" - and a growing belief in what I offer that person. In summary - I'm staying at a fairly even keel. I'm flowing to the music known as "my life". Ugly as it often looks - I call it "dancing". *Smile*
Yep - still got a bunch of "those". *Laugh* I'm trying hard to develop new and better friends "outside" the world of transgenderism. Friends that are comfortable with me - being me - but not caught up with my same "issues". I've noticed too many tranny friends - causes my life to feel out of balance. Make sense? Thus, most of my newer friends are "gay". Go figure. Likewise, I'm focused on new friends residing in my "immediate area". I just can't handle any new long distance associations - they cause me to feel so very "isolated".
In a similar vein - I continue to find that the more I'm around most "other" transsexuals - the less I seem to want to be around them. Weird, huh? Transsexualism is littered with people desperately needing to be heard - and almost no one in the community actually "listens". Of course - basically nobody outside this realm could give a hoot in hell, either. I suppose I'm just lonely - but I'm getting there.
It's my problem. I'm not skilled at shedding the weight of personal issues shared by others. Does this mean my "weight" remains too heavy? Probably - but it doesn't really matter "why". It's the way I feel.
I'm finding my best odds for cashing Happy" chips - is derived by not sitting at the table. I applaud and support those individuals dedicating their talents and heart to our "causes". Alas - at this point in my life - I need to step away from the incubator of on & off-line transgender support - and face the music of daily life on my own.
Finally...I just returned from another lovely SCC conference. This one - was especially important to me - as I sought and discovered solutions to particular challenges. Of course - it was wonderful to forge a host of new associations - and visit with old friends. And I'll never complain about being forced to "glam" it up for a simple dinner. *Smile*
grounded - 8-26-02
I can't say I'm "totally" pleased with my therapist. Not a great deal of original "thought" results from our encounters.
Her skill in regurgitating my "issues" - and holding me accountable to my own standards - is starting to make a difference in my life. Slowly but surely - I'm beginning to effect "changes". These are positive changes that cause me to feel better about "me".
The biggest "changes"?
I'm appreciating "what I have" more often than "what I don't". I'm starting to "like" the way I look. Trust me...it's a very tough day in any tranny's life - when she finally embraces the idea she'll never be "a princess". Laugh if you want - but it's a very challenging to let that "dream" go. Alas - being a "Queen" isn't all that bad. *Smile*
Most importantly, my "love" - for me...just the way I am...is rising.
Of course - like "a good little" obsessive compulsive - this is never a static equation. I push myself - hard. I'm somewhat "alone" - and wish that wasn't the case. However, I'm developing more and better "real time" friendships. These cause me to fell less despondent regarding my "isolation". They're also causing me to be less "hesitant" in putting an immediate "stop" to an obviously "dead end" relationship. And while I'm less apt to let another tranny's differing viewpoints raise my ire - I'm still challenged in this regard - when their triage is directed at a less experienced gal. If you ever want to see me - lose my "cool" - watch what happens if I witness one tranny "pick on" another for the edification of her own insecurities. My blood still boils every time when "that" happens.
My "habits" are improving. I'm limiting my on-line / chat time each week to a grand total of "two hours". I've cut my "night clubbing" activities to one night each month. Last Saturday night - six different people called to try and figure out "what in the hell was going on". *Laugh* Guess what I "did" instead? I went bowling with a girlfriend. God, I'm terrible at "bowling" - but I had a blast. *Smile*
My "weight' is beginning to normalize. HRT was giving me fits with both my diet and my exercise regimen. Nothing worse than being bloated and overweight when you're trying to "love" yourself. It's a definite inversely proportional relationship. *Smile* I'm still ten pounds over where I "need to be" - but I know my improved eating and exercise habits will resolve that issue in a healthy manner soon enough.
Although my appearance continues to evolve towards a more mainstream feminine "look" - I'm faced with many challenges with "functioning as a woman" each and every time I go "out". The damn "bathroom issue" - is always an issue. It sucks in more remote areas. I think I'll start lobbying for a "tranny toilet"...*Laugh*
Things are going "ok" - and so am I...
I hope "you are" as well. ((hugs))
thinking "sdrawkcab" 08/06/02
Since childhood, I read words both “forward” – and backwards. I’d also rearrange letters – discovering “jumbled” terminology. I still recall the first time I learned one could decode – a word spelled “backwards” – by looking in a mirror. I subsequently decided that the answer to any puzzle – is always staring back at us – from the mirror.
A result of my “sdrawkcab thinking” – is I often ponder issues - outside the box. I recognize most of this effort is a waste of time. What can I say? I'm as easily amused as I am bored. *Laugh*
Recently, I studied my options regarding “SRS - Sexual Reassignment Surgery”. You know - where they slice my penis, "fold it inside" - and subsequently create a vagina. Make no mistake, the "process" of living as a woman is much easier "after" this procedure. Our laws, our beliefs as a society, our traditions - don't readily embrace the concept of a "chick with a dick".
As always, I not only reviewed the reams of medical data forward – but I considered it “backwards” - as well. Know what struck me as I poured over all the reams of medical data? How very "similar" - my penis already is - to a potential vagina. If you read this data from a "backwards" perspective - it's rather illuminating.
Of course, I subsequently "pissed off" the doctor counseling me in this regard. Seems I was the first person to ask these pointed questions. No worries - I'm used to "that". *Laugh*
So why would I "cut" mine off?
To conform? “Yes - that's an issue”.
To be able to change the gender on my birth certificate? “Whatever”.
To be a woman? "I don't require a procedure - to be what I already am"
I don’t have vaginal "envy". I don’t “hate” my penis. While I’m fairly concerned with what others see of me from the "neck up" – I’m not overly concerned with what almost no one sees beneath my skirt. Honestly, I'm most interested in what others see of my soul. Did I make a person smile today? That matters most - to me.
I simply wish to live as the woman I was "supposed to be" since birth. I recognize and appreciate the need for medical and governmental rules regarding the appropriate sexual identity of each person. I further understand some beginning tranny's pursue "this" option as more of a fantasy - than a core sense of reality.
Certain people tell me this "line of thought" - means I’m not “really” a transsexual. Whatever... Somebody clue me in - is there some sort of important award that a person gets if they somehow “prove” that – is what they are? I could care less what a bunch of emotionally insecure transsexuals think of my life. Get a life "bitch" - mine's already taken.
A transsexual woman - that keeps her penis is neither ugly – or a freak. She's simply a lady with a different configuration of the same tissue between her thighs. We live in a world where being pretty - from the "neck up" - is considered a lot more important than being "different" - from the belt "down". That - to me - is what's ugly - and freakish.
Those that know me best are aware my life includes significant experience with "death". I’ve lost a lot of people I love. My transsexuality dictated a lifestyle that doesn’t permit "regeneration". I don't - and will not be - having "children" of my own. Thus, I suppose I worry over the “process” of living - more than some. I consider each breath a gift. This - is all I have.
I happen to believe God made each person the way they are. I also believe "God" - doesn’t make mistakes. I'm a transsexual. I was "born" one. I'll take my hormones and alter my "temple" so that the public versions of my appearance conform with my real identity. My privates? They're just that.
I'm not a mistake. And neither - is my "penis".
I'll deal with the "conforming" issues...one at a time.
almost "home" 05/30/02
I'm almost "ready".
No, silly! Get your mind of that gutter...*Smile*
My life - is almost "ready"...to move forward.
What's that Renee?
You're not "ready" yet??
Honey, if they offered "awards" for planning one's future "as a female" - I'd be the Queen of Plans. *Smile*
It's pretty cool...*Smile*
But - I'm "ready". ((hugs))
On a lighter note...
I'm planning to shoot some "birthday" photos this weekend. Since nobody invited me to an "event" worthy of my new formal dress - and I'm missing SCC this year, because of some facial reconstructive surgery - I figured I might as well go ahead and "tear the tags" off the damn thing. *Laugh*
Of course, formal attire necessitates "elegant dining". Don't you agree? *Smile* I'm cooking steak & crab legs. I "invited" my "Labrador retriever" (her name is "Princess"...cause I'm the Queen - *Smile*). She "ordered" the steak. *Smile* BTW - If any of you male "readers" have, like - these visions - that I'm a "good cook". Hate to burst your bubble - I'm terrible. *Laugh* Besides, my best skill "lies" in that other room...of the house...*Laugh*
I'm in a good mood - in case you haven't noticed.
Don't know "why"...but I'll "take" it. *Smile*
I'm hoping this b-day goes better than my last. It "sucked".
I had a great time last weekend. I shot some killer new photos. However, like an absolute idiot - I decided I wanted them "perfect" and showed how unskilled I am in the use of "graphics programs".
I "ruined" a number of pictures by trying to "touch them up".
I usually don't do much of anything to my pictures other than fix "red eye".
My conclusions regarding photo "touch up?
I can reapply my make-up and re-shoot a photo in less time than it takes to "touch up" pictures. Just a thought for you beginners. Trust me - it's easier to just start over...((hugs))
Still, there's a few great pictures that I didn't screw up.
Incidentally, I "taped" my face. In other words - my facial skin was pulled tighter than Miss "Lizzie" Taylor. *Grin* I wanted to "see" how I might look after the knife gets done with me.
Hard to tell, though. I'm getting my chin bone shaved down "big time". Sadly, tape - won't change "that".
I watched "Flashdance" tonight. I love that movie.
Hot music, great costuming, romantic moments, sexy scenes - and an emotionally charged "finish" - offering courage for the accomplishment of your dreams. Nice combo.
Know what? I want to find that white cotton vest/shirt & cuffs Jennifer Beal's wore in the "lobster" dinner scene. Anybody know where I can find one of those? I looked once - I think those "Chippendale" male dancers wear them as well.
Hey! Guess what I "found" out today? You know those "membership miles" you get for using your American Express card? Well, I forgot about "mine". I failed to change the mailing address for such notices when I changed the location of my office years back.
Anyway - I discovered I have over 400,000 unused "points". I wasn't really impressed by "that" - until they told me that equated to 16 "anywhere" round-trip air tickets in the US - or a number of decent "cruises" - for two. Cool, huh? *Smile*
I think I'm going to "save" these little jewels for later use. I so much want to make an extended trip to Europe at some juncture. That - could "help".
I'm sure ya'll are getting bored with this "entry". Sorry - I'm rambling - and no one is here to talk to "me". Princess doesn't "count". She doesn't even nod her head in "agreement" now and then - just to placate me. *Smile*
Okay, that's a wrap.
I'll talk to ya'll again...when I'm a forty-one years old, bitch...*Smile*
i don't have to be "poor" - and neither do you... 04/26/02
Well - my future plans are really starting to "gel". I'll be including "details" in a future update of my journal. Honestly, I'm so damn busy "implementing" my dreams - I'm finding almost no time to "write" about them.
That - is a good thing. *Smile*
I've prepared and planned for my future "as a female" - more than any other tranny I know. I patiently accumulated well over $1 million in assets - to insure a more comfortable existence once I made the "dramatic" change. I forfeited the opportunity to raise children - and a host of similar human "gifts" - to be all that I am.
I decided - my "plans" - just weren't good "enough".
I "planned" - to face hoards of discriminatory issues. I "planned" - for a fruitful life without any need for dependence on another human being. I "planned" - to never be able to make any decent money again in my life - because of my decision to "transition".
I "planned" wrong.
I'm "40-years-old". That means I'm just now reaching "the peak" of my skilled income capacity. I've no desire to "stop" contributing to society - and myself. Why would I "plan" - for such a dismal future - at this "peak" moment?
"Simple". I recognize the potential implications of "discrimination".
Does discrimination mean I still can't build another successful enterprise "as a tranny"?
No. It just means I must approach it differently - than I did as a "WASP" male.
Following is a reprint of an article I recently drafted for publication at the "Transgender Forum". It details how "you" might approach a more successful future in your alternative gender - based upon some research I completed.
Will I continue to attain success comparable to my achievements "as a male".
I don't know - but I've decided - I'm sure as hell 'gonna try...
A transsexual “millionaire”. Sounds more like the definition for an oxymoron - than a reality, doesn’t it?
Transsexuals are nothing more than an “oppressed” minority. They often face immediate challenges of discrimination and prejudice – before the value of their skills is considered in the workplace.
Guess what? This “situation” – is not unique. Countless other Americans face this exact challenge in their quest towards financial independence.
In preparation for a higher likelihood of “success” in my new gender, I interviewed a wide range of successful “self-made millionaires” – from equally challenging minority backgrounds.
Following is a summation of common characteristics of financially liquid minorities:
Your first business – is your own checkbook. Successful minorities consistently mentioned they never achieved success – until they learned to optimally manage their existing income – however small. The Internet is awash with helpful hints in this regard. It requires discipline.
Corporate America is usually a “dead end”. Traditional avenues for success are often filled with people of highly “traditional” values. Regardless what’s printed in the employee “rule book” – you’ll likely face an “invisible ceiling” – limiting your potential income.
Embrace your minority status. Alternative gender expression is sometimes a transsexual’s first taste – of what “discrimination” – really feels like. Bitterness, in this regard – results in failure. Highly successful minorities embraced the fact they’d face “discrimination” – and build companies in industries where this issue wouldn’t hinder their income growth opportunities.
Franchised businesses are a good “haven” – Established franchises offer a proven business model to prospective franchises. However, to minorities – they provide a much more valuable “service”. How? They instantly create an “All American Image” – and thus alleviate certain prejudice.
The more “established” a particular brand is in the marketplace – the more a franchisor usually charges in “up front” fees and ongoing royalty expenses. However, such recognizable brands tend to cause consumers to more easily overlook “minority” ownership.
Focus on businesses with consistently high “exit” values. What’s the first rule in evaluating a new business opportunity? Most commonly, beginning entrepreneurs inquire as to “how they can get in”. Those minorities that proved most successful seemed more devoted to “how they’d get out”.
Certain businesses – like retail clothing stores and boutique restaurants – are notoriously impossible to eventually “sell out”, for any price higher than the final liquidation value of the inventory and fixtures. However, other businesses like convenience stores, franchised hotels / restaurants, and dry cleaners – usually can be sold for an established multiple of sales and earnings.
Another reason “exit value” is of heightened importance to minorities is that many started their first business with very modest “start up” capital – and used the increased value of their initial enterprise – to fund the development of a more lucrative company.
The difference? That “dress shop” you always wanted to open might eventually be “sold out” – and net you almost $40,000 at the end of your journey. That “dry cleaner” you could have started – can easily line your bank account with an additional $400,000 – when you sell out.
Clearly – a highly liquid “exit” opportunity – means value.
Exercise caution regarding your own “great idea”. You “might” have the perfect idea for a new business – you might not. The downside of “this” type of pursuit – is that any “new” idea – often involves an inordinate amount of personal contact and “selling” to get it off the ground. Banks, customers and investors rarely buy into “new ideas” from minorities. Successful minorities tended to start businesses where their “great idea” – was their willingness to work harder than their competitors.
Be wise about starting a business using your “existing” skills. Some skills developed in your male role might easily transfer to rapid wealth accumulation– as a minority. However, if you operated in a primarily white collar, upscale field – let’s face it – discrimination is more likely. Consider leveraging your accumulated business savvy in an alternative field.
Learn on somebody else’s dime. Not sure if you could serve hamburgers – and still “serve up” a smile? The best way to “find out” – is to go and work at an established business in the industry sector you find appealing. The most successful minorities consistently “worked the business” for someone else and learned the secrets to success – before risking their own money. In several instances, their “employer” helped finance their new venture.
Get ready to get your hands dirty. Millionaire owners of small businesses didn’t start by “hiring others” to mop floors and iron clothes. They began each day performing these “dirty” tasks themselves. Successful entrepreneurs do every task their hourly wager earners perform. Only difference? They usually do it “better”.
You have to want “more”. Successful minorities consistently wanted “more” from life. They refused to accept the face value of the cards they were dealt at the onset. A burning desire – is the mother – of financial success.
The Future of “Transsexual Millionaires”
A net worth in excess of $1 million doesn’t make one person better than the next. A million dollars doesn’t “buy” personal happiness. Succinctly stated, adequate financial liquidity – buys freedom – to enjoy life most fully.
Likewise, a large number of financially successful people arising from a particular “minority group” – can cause their brethren to be more “accepted” amongst traditional society. “Right or wrong” – traditionalists – tend to respect financial success.
Finally, highly successful people are important to the “advancement” of minority causes – through adequate funding of important specialized interests in education, research and community visibility.
Will we see a host of wealthy transsexuals in the decades ahead? The “Minority Millionaire’s Rulebook” says it requires hard work, smart business analysis, a positive mental attitude, and financial discipline.
However, most importantly – it requires a burning desire to “change” your life, coupled with a willingness to risk everything – for the accomplishment of your dream.
Can you name a transsexual that’s not already an expert in “that” – most crucial – finishing criterion?
I can’t either.
Move over “Wall Street”. The “trannies” are coming.
i'm a wimp 03/26/02
Ever met a person who is like a total "cry baby" when it comes to "pain"? Well - I'm one of them. *Laugh*
It's strange. I used to "knock people silly" - when I played football - now I run for cover at the mere sight of a needle. Actually, I've always hated needles. *Laugh* And spiders - God, I hate "spiders".
I bring this up because I'm really starting to tear into electrolysis next month. I'm using an anesthesia to numb my face so my technician can "work for hours". I almost died when I saw the monster needle that wench pulled out to "numb" my face. Still, it beats going so "slow" on electrolysis. That - just makes it all more expensive. I'm even "cheaper" - than I am a wimp - I suppose. *Laugh*
I've really been working hard on building a first class female wardrobe. One of these days I'll have to shoot some photos of some of my stuff. "Classy" - yet sassy - just my style. *Smile* I'm going to sell all the rest - once my wardrobe is completed. That - will be one big ebay sale. *Laugh* Unfortunately, I'll have to wait until I get moved. I've already packed a lot of "that" stuff.
I'm visiting "Miami" next month in order to evaluate it as a potential option for my upcoming "move". I've chilled just a bit on New Orleans. The local economy in New Orleans isn't very strong - and it's not ideally suited for my retail dry cleaning operation. (My fall-back plan if "writing" - doesn't pan out).
Anyway, I like Miami - so we'll see how it looks beyond the clubs in South Beach. *Laugh*
'Gotta run - we'll chat again soon!
knowing where you're going - powers your drive 03/09/02
Had a good week on the "future plans front".
I knocked down some important upcoming career "decisions" and "preparation" projects.
One worth sharing...
I've been "hesitant" recently.
I didn't know "for sure" - where I was moving - geographically speaking.
Actually, I knew "where" - but didn't feel 100% comfortable with "why".
I'm not "a mover" by nature. I don't enjoy that process. I'm a "nester". I'm a "builder".
Moving involves "tearing down" a prior nest. This "feels" wasteful, counterproductive - even depressing - to me.
A key challenge? I could "move" anywhere. I'm almost finished selling all my local interests, I have no children, no immediate family, no obligations. Sound "inviting"? My more "nomadic" friends think so - but trust me - there's a high cost to my inherent freedom.
What's the big "expense"? I've no place "I need to go". No place - that "needs me".
Thus, it's relatively easy to discern "what" I want to do - but "why" becomes a more brutal - and frightening - assessment.
I fear there's no "perfect place" for me. Thus, I suffered from a bit of "analysis paralysis" on this issue.
I've embraced the concept I'll eventually reside in "two cities" - with a condominium in one area and an even smaller one-room apartment in another.
Although I'm approaching the "addresses" carefully & methodically - the smart money is betting I'll make "New Orleans" my primary residence - with a few months each year spent in an apartment in New York City.
We'll see - but I feel good about the "dual" option. It suits my life - and lifestyle - best.
the incredible resume called life 03/03/02
Had an interesting conversation with my business partner today. We found ourselves facing the same life "problem" - albeit from different landscapes. He's one of America's Most recognized entrepreneurs - but it's already been a few years since he's done a "major", highly recognized "deal".
In my "area" - I've stepped back from the plate as well. Am I simply taking practice swings - or pulling myself from "that" game. I wish I knew - because i need to decide.
Try as you "may" - whatever you've already accomplished is always minimalized by today's new objectives. The past is fleeting, the present is "in your face" - and the future - is always "moving".
I've created a trophy room of sorts - filed with positive memories, publicity on my various exploits, awards - you know the drill. My goal with this "environment" was not to foster my already large ego - but support it - at those times it feels most fragile. I've noticed being surrounded by such propaganda also tends to reinforce the "need" to do so much more in life.
Is that right? should I be striving toward major new objectives or simply relishing the gift of life during my brief visit "here". I'm convinced happiness - for a person "like me" - is found in some balanced equation between these two polarities. However, I'll be damned if I can find an equilibrium that feels "right".
transition: it's a journey - not a destination 2/28/02
I had a lovely conversation with a friend last night who shared a story I could really relate to.
Her husband, also a very dear friend - is a recognized champion and teacher of Tae Kwon Do Karate. Invariably, the first question asked by new students is - "How long before I will become a 'black belt'?". He always replies - "if you come to class twice a week and work hard - about three years". Some will subsequently ask: "How long will it take me to get my black belt if I come to class three days each week". He replies: Then it will take you five years to get your black belt.
Those that still don't get it will ask: "How long will it take me if I come to class five days each week. He replies: Then it will take you eight years to achieve a black belt.
Most can't help but inquire why it would take longer if they come to class more often. His reply: Because you're focused on the destination - and not - the journey.
I related well to my friend's insights. There are two phases of transition we all tend to interrelate which are independent - beauty - and pretty. Pretty is "applied" - beauty is "brought out".
I've been doing DRAG for a number of years. If you want to have a "pretty" contest - I can hold my own. Beauty - is much more challenging.
When you rely on "pretty" - life's happiness is always conditional. When you can count on beauty - life is happiness.
Transition - to me - is a process whereby I'm embracing all the beauty inside my soul & bringing the full spectrum to the surface. I'm not taking away part of myself - I'm adding to myself.
I like being pretty. I'm not ashamed to admit I spend a lot of time and money working at being even prettier. However, I thank God I understand that "pretty" is only skin deep - and that "beauty" - is a part of my very soul.
I'm on a journey...not a destination.
"luck" - is where 'preparation' meets opportunity 2/24/02
Based upon a few "comments" from friends - I'm afraid I've given the wrong "impression" on my present "state of mind".
First off, I'm a "preparation" freak. *Laugh*
I prefer to "prepare for" and "address" the 90% of foreseeable problems - before I begin a major journey - so that the 10% I can't predict are "manageable".
Neurotic? *Laugh* Sure I am! *Grin* However, I'm in good company on that "trait"...*Laugh*
"Murphy" was an optimist...and so is "Renee". *Smile* I have tremendous self confidence - and strong belief in my "plan". I have a burning desire - and the will to see my dreams to conclusion - regardless of obstacle.
I've been called "lucky" many times during my life...even "happy-go-lucky". My good friends know "better". I'm "intense". And I'm intensely "interested" in always tipping the scales in my favor - through preparation - whenever possible.
Honestly, I'll take "luck" any day of the week. However, most people aren't "lucky" because they weren't "prepared".
"You know", don't you? Remember that piece of property you almost bought years ago that's now worth "seven digits"? Remember that "stock" you knew was going to roll?
It's all about preparation - be it financially, business acumen...even "love"...requires "preparation" of the heart, body & soul.
I'm remorseful - I never found a "role model" congruent to my personal plans & desires with the tranny community. I'm saddened - by the number of lonely transsexuals I've encountered.
I'm blessed with awesome friends, belief in a power greater than myself, good genes, a keen wit - and a very, very well "prepared" transition "plan".
I'm "prepared" - to get lucky. *Smile*
happiness in "qualitative" goals 2/22/02
I spoke with a good friend this AM.
Seems every time I talk with another tranny they're most interested in "where" I'm at - on the list of "quantifiable" tasks relative to "becoming" a woman. Trust me - few people are more "anal" about goal & objective planning and resolution - than yours truly. *Laugh*
However, I've "accomplished" some fairly monumental achievements over the course of my life. I've "acquired" things most people only dream of "owning". Through these "experiences" - I've found - for me - "happiness" is not found in the achievement of quantifiable goals or acquisitions. They give me "rushes" - they give me a strong "sense of progress". That's nice. *Smile*
I don't consider "transition" an overly daunting "task". What worries me? What happens when we nail down all the quantifiable goals of transition? We're left mostly with "qualitative" goals. You know...being "happy" - with who you are...enjoying what you have...being of benefit to society...exploring your spirituality...helping others...etc., etc. etc.
My happiness is not gender "conditional". I'm a "human being" before I'm a man, woman or tranny. Every human being has "needs" - far above "gender". I'm no exception to this "rule". I know "living" female will make me happier - for a variety of reasons. I also recognize it will "add" new aggravations. I'm "hoping" - for a net zero summation - in that regard. *Laugh*
I don't believe "quantitative" & qualitative - feminine development - are independent events. I can't healthily "transition" one - without the other.
My body is a temple "for me". My mind and heart are the foundation of this temple - not my growing breasts or thickened lips.
Don't ask me again "where I'm at" with my transition - unless you're interested in hearing the comprehensive summation of my status. I define "transition" differently from you.
You're not wrong. I'm not "wrong". We're just "different" - and that's not wrong...
other trannys don't "matter" 2/17/02
Ever noticed how the simplest issues are the most challenging to resolve? I've been obsessed with what other tranny's are "doing" - versus focusing on what "I'm" doing. Why do I worry so over "that"? Probably because I'm afraid I'll end up exactly like the ones I don't admire. Bitter, opinionated, and unhappy, Please "God" - don't let "that" happen to me.
Everyone keeps telling me my life is about "my life". However, when you can't find "another" like "you" - don't you think you'd feel like you're headed in a dangerous direction? What if, what if, what if...whatever...
"formal" issues - 01/26/02
I recently purchased the most incredible "formal dress" I've ever slid on my loins. Where did I get it? This killer "designer" shop went "out of business". I waited & waited to "stop in" - until the very last week. Prices were then at "90% off" original retail prices. I "stocked up" on a number of first-class wardrobe additions. However - "this dress" - is the bomb.
I'd actually "seen" it before at Nordstrom's - albeit with slightly different rhinestone trim. Same designer - just a different "touch". Nordstrom's sold that dress for over $3,000.00!
Upon entering the store, I saw the dress - checked the size - and noted a ton of "make up" stains around the collar area. I asked the sales lady: "How many people have 'tried on' this dress?" She laughingly replied: "Every size 10 that's walked in the door since we hung it out".
I scurried to the dressing room...it fit "perfectly". I simply had to stroll "out" and announce to the other shoppers - "This dress was designed by a fag. No way a real woman's body would ever fit in it". They all laughed heartily - and agreed.
I bought it for a grand total of $126.00. You couldn't color me "happier" with a box of "64 Crayola's". *Grin*
I've been strategically buying high-quality "timeless" fashions at great prices for almost a year. Not bad, huh? From this same "sale", I also "added" a white knit jumpsuit trimmed with silver "nautical" stylings. Really classy looking: high neck, long waisted - perfect "for me". An ideal "cruise" wardrobe" in the making?
I now ask myself: "Where am I ever going to wear these clothes"? I rarely "date". I don't "travel" - as Renee - yet. My "intended" career requires khaki's and jeans.
Why am I buying "this" stuff? Like I really need to build a "cruise" wardrobe. "Get real", girlfriend.
Screw it! Show me a woman that doesn't own a closet full of classy outfits "they never wear" - and I'll show you a lady on Prozac. *Laugh*
"what i want"...random entry
I spout off about no one "having" what I'm after. What is "that"?
- Unwavering self confidence in myself as a woman, as a contributing member of society - and as a human being.
- A successful business where I neither tout or deny my transsexuality.
- Financially "liquid" - with adequate resources to support causes important "to me" - and the world.
- A lovely home ideally suited to display my fine arts and antiques.
- Monthly performances of my magic "act" at a venue I find appealing.
- Surgical enhancements making me prettier and more confident "as a woman".
- A loving and committed relationship with a man I find highly appealing.
- Free time - to enjoy time with loved ones, pursue my interests in art collecting and teaching, develop reneereyes.com, and occasionally "travel".
the dangers of "goal euphoria" 12/22/01
I met an "interesting" transsexual today. Ever meet those tranny's where it seems their whole lives revolve around "transition"? She - was that way. Every question I asked about "her" - about her future plans - revolved around "transition".
I know "lots" of women. Their lives and their ability to find "happiness" is always challenged. They don't face the daunting task of "transition". Why do so many tranny's become convinced they'll be any "better off" than genetic females when it comes to life "after" transition. The usual response when you quiz one of these girls is "I'll just meld right into society" then.
Well, doesn't "that" sound like a picnic?
I'm convinced it's easy to get caught up in "goal euphoria". I've undertaken a number of complex projects over the course of my life. Moving forward on "them" - when you enjoy the task - is intoxicating. Transsexual development exhibits all the trappings that make "goal euphoria" likely during transition. How?? It's a "big" project. There are a large number of quantifiable means to measure "improvement" along the way. It represents the fulfillment of a lifelong dream & "a burning desire".
Why am I concerned over this? Because I've learned "goal accomplishment" is fun - but not the root of "happiness". That - comes from self evaluation, contemplation, spiritual awareness - and love. I don't want to "get lost" - during the most important journey - of my life.
"come join us in hell" - the weather's great... 12/19/01
Ever told another tranny you are "planning" to transition? Don't.
Better yet - do so - very selectively.
"Oh Renee, congratulations".
'It's about time, girlfriend".
"That's fabulous...big ((hug))"...
Give me a break!!
You want to congratulate me for making a decision where I'll be forever "reducing" my ability to earn decent money?
You want to encourage me to pursue a lifestyle where finding a date that really "cares" about me is as common as a millionaire in Bosnia?
You want to ((hug)) me for getting ready to face "discrimination" at every turn?
Are you nuts?
I'll tell you one thing I've noticed. The only tranny's that do "this" - are the ones who've been fully transitioned for less than seven years. The rest - breath deeply - and ask: "Are you sure about this?"
This is not an easy "course" - and I know it...
minor league home run champion 12/12/01
Ever see the movie "Bull Durham"? I love that movie. *Smile* Anyway...remember the part where Kevin Costner breaks the record for "the most home runs" in the minor league? What a double edge sword "that" was. I can "relate..."
I've probably spent more time en femme and on gender related issues "without" visibly moving forward with transition - than anyone else I know.
Is this going to make me "better"? Am I fucking up with all this "preparation" of life, career, wardrobe, feminine skills, etc. etc. etc.???
Why do I hesitate?? I "prepare" because I've not witnessed another tranny who "has" what I want in life - as a woman. I prepare for the worst - to achieve the best "for me".
Who's keeping score of home run's in the minor league? "Nobody" - and that bothers me...
i don't "want" this...11/13/01
I never "wanted" transition. I don't know a single tranny that tried any "harder" not to transition than yours truly. You too? "Bullshit". I was first diagnosed as a tranny in 1983 and prescribed HRT in '84. I still haven't taken "them". That's almost twenty years of "knowing" what I am - but steering clear of the traditional course of "further" action. I tried "performing", I tried "sex", I tried a large web page...I tried "everything" - not - to change my gender.
Why the wait? Because I never "found" a tranny I considered "successful". You know...great job, happy marriage, lovely home, strong sense of self... We all "hear" about how the "successful" tranny's simply meld into society and are never heard from again. I don't "believe" it. I actually offered a "bounty" to certain therapists and doctors to "introduce" me to such a person. All I discovered where the same old insecurities, "blocked" careers, loneliness and related stuff.
A few - had "most" of what I "wanted". I learned much from these fine ladies. ((hugs)) Why am / was I so obsessed with finding such a "person". Because most of my life's success is based upon "mentoring". Blazing new trails is fraught with danger - and usually - a waste of time.
Can "what I want" - really - be had in today's age and time? I doubt it. For the simple reason that "transition" - itself - causes "scars". And "scars" - stick around - for the rest of one's life. I believe "theoretically" - there is "a way" - to live in both genders. I believe in about 100 years - tranny's - will do just "that". I base this belief on the small number of female-to-male transsexuals. Women - have already bested what I can't achieve - damn it.
I've tried, I've tried, I've tried...I gotta get on with "this"....