How do you make this work…long term? Here we visit a real-life example that’s actually quite common amongst men I’ve encountered that are into transsexual women. It follows with my advice and commentary.
Additional chapters Included in this section, include:
Transsexual Girlfriend: Picking a Match
TS Dating - How to Find the Best Match
TS Girlfriend Dating - The Ten Best Options
Transgender Dating - Common Mistakes
Tranny Dates - How to Succeed
Shemale Love: What's Most Important?
TS Dating: Answers to Common Questions
Twenty Years of Secretly Loving transgender women…where do I go from here?
Here’s a real letter from an admirer whose been dealing with his attraction to transgenders for almost twenty years and is trying to resolve the classic adage:
"Where do I go from here?"
This is a common question - lets jump right in:
I just carefully read your Admirer's handbook for the third time. It's a fantastically comprehensive collection of material on a subject not usually well researched or publicized. Brilliant and thanks.
Obviously, I find parts of it highly resonant with my own situation, which in summary is:
I'm 50, fit, married, professional guy that's also well paid. I enjoyed dressing as a boy but gave it up completely at about 15, to focus on girls, sport etc - I've never gone back but still find the thought of it erotic I've always been turned on by glamorous, feminine TG girls (and silk/satin, lingerie etc) and women.
After getting hooked on the internet TG sites like URnotalone in late 90s, I started dating TG ladies about 5 years ago. I guess I've met about 50 TG ladies since then, many only once (as chemistry didn't work), but about 10 I've had sexual affairs with, including two long relationships with full-time TS girls (one married). In those sexual relationships I'm always top (although only had "A" with four girls), but happy to give/receive "O", love kissing, etc. In all of these relationships, I've had friendly and deep social contact as well.
It's not just about sex - I cant get into one-off or sex-only relationships. I've never been faithful to any of these girls, although I'm safe/discrete, etc. and don't promise anything different from the onset. I adore meeting new girls, although I also love seeing one or two girls regularly. I have also paid for a lot of things to help them - clothes, rent, breast augmentation, legal fees etc - I guess about £30k across 3 years. I also pay young TG prostitutes occasionally to give me BJ's.
All these events are undercover of my work so only occur midweek. On weekends, I stay home (although I use internet chat lines to set up dates and keep in touch with GF's). My sex life with my wife is poor - she complains, I masturbate a lot. I also date regular women occasionally, although I've not had sex with them (but I would).
So I guess that classifies me as an experienced Eroticist? Or does it?
I also cant decide how to proceed in my life - whether to give up my TG admiring and find a different compelling hobby, or whether to leave my wife and explore my TG life further, or whether to move-in with my beautiful 29 year old Pilipino TS GF and be faithful to her.
To be honest I don't really need to decide now as I'm having fun and I've just about figured out how to make this lifestyle work. And I don't want to hurt people, particularly my wife and daughters.
So, I'm interested in your views on my 'classification' and whether you have any views or experiences from others that could help inform me. Thanks so much for your time - I really appreciate it. And you are stunningly beautiful - so wonderfully feminine and stylish your partner is so lucky.
Dear Secret Lifestyle…
Yours is a very common occurrence & problem amongst transsexual admirers. You already wisely observed half the solution in your letter's closing, namely:
If it's not broke? Don't fix it
I commend you on your honesty regarding the trans-gals you dated. Most men aren't quite as balanced & straightforward in that regard.
Additionally, your willingness to help-out financially scores high marks. Transition is brutally expensive: both in terms of the expenses associated with the physical transition and the opportunities lost in most careers. Thanks for your kindness to others.
What’s wrong with where you are now? You’re having fun - you’ve got everything: why change that? Going full-time with your love of a transsexual woman might convolute lots of your present happiness. Thus, what you lose might more than offset what you gain.
I’m a huge fan of the concept: If it’s not broke: don’t fix it!
Try revisiting the girl inside you
Most guys attracted to transgender women are actually girls themselves. They're most drawn to that gal who exemplifies everything they wish they could be "as a girl". Thus, the relationship is actually a vicarious experience.
What these men don't understand is that they can look pretty as a female. Any male - can be made to look decent as a girl - if only in darker lighting. High quality temporary transformations are possible with any size & shape. It’s a skill set - and one that lots of very masculine looking guys pull off to perfection all the time.
Most men with an underlying desire in this regard always look back & say: "Why did I wait so long to re-explore this side of myself?"
Know why transsexual women never want date a beginning cross dresser? There’s an old adage in the trans community: What’s the difference between a cross dresser and a transsexual? About five years.
Full-time transsexual women know that many beginning crossdressers will discover they can look great as women and also that some will desire to go even further. Going further? That means “transition” - a very brutal and long-lasting process no full-time gal ever wants to re-live - even through another person. Hence, the hesitation.
I'd almost insist that you at least try this vista before contemplating any long term, more commitment-based association with a full-time transsexual female. I suspect you’ll eventually discover lots more happiness!
The Most Common Type of Guys into Transexuals
Which one are you?
Guys attracted to transgender women have been given a wide variety of terms & labels over the years – some not very complimentary. The term “Transsexual Admirer” was born from the earlier days of transgender existence when girls where almost always performing in clubs as a means to support themselves. Admirers provided attention and even varied forms of financial support. It was & is a term of respect that cast such people beyond the realm of the tranny chaser.
Although it's progressing at a geometric rate, real-time transsexual relationship exploration is still fairly new. Thus, beginning admirers (also called “novices” in the transgender community) constitute the lion's share of the market. This early-stage allure is typically more sexual-based than similar female-admirers. That's because it usually takes men longer to reach a sense of balance & acceptance of their transgender desires.
Additional chapters Included in This Section Include:
TS Dating Attraction to Transsexuals
Transgender Date: Transgender Sexual Orientation
Sorting Out Your Sexuality with an Attraction to Transgender Women
Transsexual Dating: The Five Most Common Types of Transsexual Admirers
"Accidental" Transsexual Orientation
Are You a Guy Who Secretly Fantasizes About Becoming a Woman?
TS Dating: Common Traits Between TS Women & The Guys Who Seek Them
How TS Admirers Evolve in Their Attraction
Date a Crossdresser: What Men Tend to Like Most About TS Women
What Men Tend to Dislike About TS Women
Amongst these beginners, it's been my experience that there's five core-types of admirers pursuing their trans-orientation issues. Actually, most individuals are actually a combination of one or more grouping. Some people? They relate to almost every category. However, you'll rarely find an early-stage admirer outside these basic parameters.
It'll help immensely if you can determine which group you identify most closely.
Because that'll eventually help us find the perfect trans-girl for you.
Beginning Male Admirers
Almost every beginning male admirer is primarily drawn to trans-females on a sexual plane. Their approach might be to first befriend such a prospective lover before attempting a roll in-the-hay. However, a varied approach isn't a root change in desire: it's just a difference in style.
Almost every male admirer is drawn to that unique blend of masculinity & femininity that makes up the presentation of transgenders. Their exact equation for how much of each component is known as their personal recipe for a trans-dream partner.
Let's explore the five core types of beginning male admirers:
The Hidden Bisexual
This individual fits the old-school model for transgender attraction discussed previously. Alas, in our world of increasing freedom of sexual expression - they're less common. It's just not that big of a deal anymore - at least compared to historical norms - to privately admit gay or bisexual leanings.
Still, such men do exist.
These individuals exhibit strong bisexual tendencies but are uncomfortable exploring those leanings with a traditional male. They see a pre-operative tranz-female as the ideal bridge. The tranz-woman tend to represent an ideal middle ground - the smooth, soft femininity of a woman coupled with the intensity of a man - among other things.
The Timid Bottom
Even as a growing number of men are confident exploring bisexual or gay fantasies, there's still plenty of them that can't readily admit their need to assume the traditionally submissive or yielding role in a sexual union. Nothing tends to offer these individuals more intensity via fantasy - than the thought of a sexually submissive role with a stunningly beautiful non-operative transsexual female. The bottom line? These men are most attracted to feminine beauty and being on the bottom.
Unfortunately, this is perhaps the most challenging admirer persona when it comes to ever discovering sustained, real-life satisfaction. Why's that? Because so very few t-girls sexually identify as "tops".
Some of these men can eventually unearth pleasure with the right smooth bodied, very attractive guy or a DRAG queen that's willing to humor his needs.
For the rest?
Real-life associations will probably be some combination of professional escorts & trans-pornography.
The Latent Crossdresser
The next group is what I term the latent cross dresser. These men are actually t-girl's at heart, but for whatever reasons...be it their lifestyle, their physique, their access to appropriate cross-dressing tips or transformation services, or their fears...they have not - and may never cross the line of full feminization. They'll usually wear lingerie on occasion or at least get very turned on by the thought of doing so.