Finding Love as a Transgender Woman
Without a doubt, the happiest and most balanced t-girls I've known over the years have been married to genetic females. I'd say it's safe to say we're still decades away from where a t-girl can preside in an alternative union - and find anywhere near the type of balance afforded by a traditional marriage.
If you already have a great marriage, you have a sincere congratulations. It's success is most attributable to you! If you are in marriage - but unhappily so - I offer my sincere condolences. However, it's failure is most attributable to you.
Following are ideas for couples to better deal with transgenderism in their marriage. Fortunately for you, I'm writing these sections with the help of three of the most happy married "t-couples" I know. Each of them is unique in how they deal with it - as you probably will be. Perhaps you'll discover a combination of ideas that work best for you in your quest toward enjoying this newly discovered side of the man you cherish.
The benefits of a transgender male
Before any wife considers how she might deal with all the negative aspects of transgenderism, it might be helpful to consider the positive implications of his alternative gender identity.
Appreciation of Real Female Beauty
One of the most compelling benefits? T-girls come to appreciate the inner beauty of femininity - often times even better than their female counterparts. The result of such intuitive thought, is a man who will appreciate your womanly qualities far more than your current waist measurement.
Few t-girls within an accepting marriage will even glance twice at the newest short skirt or young hard body. Why? They view things like stretch marks - as rights of passage to the alter of womanhood. They view a little extra weight in your hips - as a symbol which more clearly personifies femininity. If ever a man can appreciate a woman - for all she is - this guy is it!
A Man Who Really Knows What Intimacy Means
Another benefit? His transgenderism offers one of the best avenues to achieve a truly "intimate" relationship with a man. Why? Most every norm in society - is orientated towards men suppressing traditionally feminine characteristics such as thinking with one's heart - versus one's head. His gender expression can tear down many of these past norms within his persona - and help him better appreciate the powerful benefits from hugs - and close unions.
If ever you've had a chance to find a man that will be intimate outside of the bedroom - this outlet - is your ticket to paradise.
And the Extra's
Finally, consider the little bonuses. He'll likely spend more time shopping with you (and be loose on the purse strings *smile*). A great idea one successful couple employs is - the wife gets a new dress - every time she gets one. That sounds pretty fair. *S*
Another extra? He'll always understand why it takes you so long to get ready. Most importantly? He'll never complain again about why you can't wear the same dress you wore to last years charity ball - this year! What man could be better?
Courses of action
Before you consider what course of action works for you - lets get one thing very clear. You're man did not choose to the transgendered. I repeat - he did not choose to become this way. However, this lack of choice does not exonerate him - from being responsible for her actions.
First, lets look closer at what you're dealing with. If he's like most gals - who finally get up the nerve to share the big secret with a loved one - he's probably now between the ages of seven and twelve in t-years (and you thought only dogs had alternative life calendars - fitting parallel, huh? *Grin*).
If this is the case, you've already missed his infant years - as they have been occurring all of his life. If not, enjoy the brief solitude of having a baby around the house. If he's been pursuing this - without your knowledge for some time - you should probably count your blessings. Regardless of any feelings of betrayal that you might be harboring - you might have been lucky enough to miss his teen years. Trust me, you won't likely enjoy those moments! ((hugs))
So what are your options? Based upon interviews with a variety of happily married couples that have successfully worked through this - I'd offer the following menu of fundamental ideas.
I've seen people happily use these in a number of combinations - and I've seen them change their method - as his transgenderism - and their happy marriage - evolved.
Option One: Get Involved
If you have the sort of relationship where being apart would do nothing more than tear away at the seams of your special union, then I'd suggest you stand by her side - and get involved in everything she's doing.
Some women get involved early on - when their gal first explores this - within the confines of their home. However, many drop off when she leaves the sanctuary of their domicile. Why? First off, it's much easier for acquaintances to deduce that she - is him - when you are with him. Most people would never be able to figure out who he is while he's dressed - even if they spoke directly to him. However, seeing you on her arm - helps them work out this special math problem.
One way to stay involved is to insist ya'll play outside the home in other cities. A lot of couples use this vista successfully. However, don't short him on this opportunity - if you expect it to work. This can be special play time for both of you - balanced between his need to express her - and a terrific break away from the daily grind - for all of you.
If you decide to join him in his adventures, you'll likely meet some of the coolest people you've ever known. I'm quite sure you would anticipate an array of psycho's - but as a group - tg's possess about the highest average IQ's of any identifiable aggregation. Most are very successful, fun, and have developed a keen wit to survive the challenge of being transgendered. I promise you this - you won't likely be disappointed in either the caliber - or quality of his new friends.
I'd encourage you to get him to meet tg friends - and you go with him. If you do not feel comfortable joining him in his adventures, then I'd suggest you insist he only go out with friends. You know how stupid a guy can be when he's on his own. As much as you might fear otherwise, his t-friends will look after him, and get him back to you safe and sound - without any tall tales of consequence to hide.
Option Two: Be Supportive...from a Distance
For those of you that simply can't bring yourself to trot around with your man in a dress, you can always send him on his way independently - with specified timetables and rules - and wait until he returns home. Of course, this option requires the big T - and I don't mean transgenderism. It requires trust - and a great deal of it. If you are a particularly jealous spouse, this will all be tough assignment.
However, not letting him vent these feelings is like telling him he's not allowed to pee. He might be able to hold it for awhile - but sooner or later - nature will take its course. In my opinion. it's far better for you to help him explore this - sanely & safely - with you by his side emotionally - than not!
I make this last statement not as a threat - but as a warning- of reality. I can't begin to tell you the number of men I've seen out cruising the popular tranny bars in search of a t-girl to hang out with. I'm talking 1000's. Most are from great families - leaders in their respective communities. They are not typically seeking sex - although most usually think that's why they're there. They are just seeking even the slightest touch with their feminine side - which they so much want to explore. They usually fear - and perhaps rightfully so - they will be ejected from their home, if they donned silk and linen.
I really can't fathom a wife who would rather have her husband be in dangerous situations - than simply work with him a bit - in his feminine adventure. Are these women that insecure in their own femininity? I simply don't get it.
A man who is transgendered - is transgendered. It's a lot like pregnancy - he either is or he isn't - there's really no in betweens. The only thing you can count on for certain is the emotion will grow stronger with age. This is why you see so many older t-girls - who withheld their desires for too many years.
Option Three: Don't Ask - Don't Tell
I know lots of women who know about their lover's tg adventures - but sort of allow him - just enough rope not to hang either of you.
The fear in this approach is several fold. The first is worrying he'll get out and do something silly that will result in embarrassment for the family unit. The second, is that he might return home with a deadly venereal disease - you could both live without. Finally, it's a natural concern that he'll develop a new loving relationship with someone accepting of his transgenderism. All of these concerns are quite valid - if your relationship is on less than solid footing.
In general, I've found t-girls who are in loving and accepting marriages - where the spouse lets them go do this - are the last ones to either hop in the sack of dangers - or go searching for affections outside the sanctity of marriage. Why? Because they already have these needs fulfilled! They just get out to work through their need to express her.
If you have a good marriage and can't really deal with being there for all of this - you will likely be fine giving him a peck at the door as he leaves with purse in hand - to go & play with his friends at school. ((hugs))
Option Four: Say Goodbye
I hate to even mention this option - but it is a reality. Some women simply cannot deal with a man who is transgendered - and discovering this facet changes the entire relationship.
I've seen this happen because the whole process seemed too overwhelming - and the lines of communication that solve such complex challenges had eroded years earlier.
I've seen this occur when the wife changed her outlook on her spouse after discovering his feminine side - and lost respect for him as a man.
I've seen it happen because their man was really a bona fide transsexual - with plans of transitioning to womanhood. In most of these instances, the couple remained friends. The bonds of marriage often result in this one person knowing, loving and accepting you better than any other person in the world. Totally severing such a close union for reasons beyond a traditional break down in love - is a loss neither of you should endure.
Besides, you might discover she - and he - become your best friend in the years ahead. ((hugs))
tools of the trade
Regardless of which course you pursue, you will need to hone your skills in communication. If your marriage is like many - this skill might not be what it used to be.
One method I've seen used fairly successful is taking out two sheets of paper and label one baby and the other bread. My rule for what items go on each sheet, are determined by the axiom: "Half a loaf of bread - is better than no loaf at all. However, half a baby - is worth less than nothing".
Of course, what we are referring to is the difference between needs and wants - but I find this crude acid test keeps me from putting too much on the needs list - and subsequently lightening the load unfairly on my wants list. If you keep this process fair everyone can walk away from the negotiation with at least a *grin*.
One of my close transgender girlfriends (Mary) has followed these rules to happiness better than most anyone I know with her wife (Frances). Since I'm still learning - and have a very bad habit of breaking rules, we'll just ignore where I'm at on this matter for the moment - and discuss Mary's successes.
They each laid out their needs and wants - then traded them back and forth - one at a time. This results in a fairer resolution to major areas of conflict. Mary offered the following as a model for a transgender couple:
- I need to express my femininity - including dressing at least once every other month.
- I need a long term, happy relationship with my wife.
- I have a desire to go out dressed beyond the confines of my home.
- I want to remove the hair from my body to look more feminine.
- I want to be sexually desired as a woman and have sex as such.
- I cannot deal with my husband having sexual or emotional relations with another woman
- I can have no diseases in my home.
- I want a long term, happy relationship with my husband.
- I do not want to know the details of her activities.
- I do not want other to be aware of his transgenderism.
using your list to make decisions
Mary and her wife worked hard and long to resolve the issues on Mary's list. Mary committed to do nothing t-related until the issues were resolved and her wife (Frances) agreed to reach an agreement to this arrangement within the 90 day period.
The end result was as follows:
The final analysis
In general, most well adjusted t-girls in happy marriages make the best spouses you could ever hope for. They tend to be less stressed than the guy you knew the before. I'm not really sure if its because taking on an alternative persona plays a role in relaxation or dressing releases a pent up desire that is boiling over - or both. But I can assure you will notice a more relaxed partner following a good dose of fem time.
Good Luck! *S*
Additional Chapters in This Section Include:
Tips for Wives and Girlfriends of Crossdressers
Loving a Transgender Person
Managing Your Transgender Partner
Finding Love as a Transgender Woman